Peicing hurts like hell and is harder than...

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Time to do a little journaling, thinking, hopefully get some feedback, get some emotion out.

But... just talked to my d11 on the phone. She was really happy and excited. It's hard to think seriously or be sad after talking to her. She got straight As, is on the honor roll, got paid for taking care of the neighbors cat, it goes on - all the good stuff. If nothing else, W is being a pretty good mom, and that counts for a lot.

Last week my son and I went to AR and visited W and d11. It was a good week in that I got to play with d11, and go to her parent teacher conferences. She's doing really well. She's a great kid, maybe that mean W and I are/were doing something right.

But the R talks with w were not fun. Nothing has really changed. She says that when she thinks about loving me again, having me live with her again, she feels like she is going back to being trapped, settling, giving in, (I can't remember the exact word she used, but that's the gist of it). She is enjoying testing her wings (her words), her new job, house, etc. Of course, she wouldn't have that without my help, but still.

It's crazy that she felt so trapped by duty, always responsible, always doing for others, when her actions were consistantly selfish over the years. She was never denied anything. But feelings are stronger than logic. Perception is stronger than reality.

So she hasn't changed, that I can tell. I probably talked too much. I showed my affection, I showed some anger, she talked a little, but never enough. I want to understand her.

One thing she said was that she wanted to be part of my life - when I went out with friends, she was jealous and wanted to be part of it. What??? She hated to leave the house. And, hell, I'd take her out now as much as she wanted.

So are these little statements important? What is important? To me what's important is that she doesn't love me and doesn't know if she will (or really even wants to). How can any of the little things that may have bothered her, or bothered me, from our past matter if the base of love isn't there?

Once a few months ago, she said we were starting over, maybe like dating. If I were dating her, and after a year of dating the relationship had only progressed this far, I'd take the hint and move on. So now I'm thinking about taking the hint.

Maybe she wants to be rid of me, but because of guilt, the kids, whatever, doesn't have the courage to say so. Maybe she's hoping I'll get tired and file myself - then she can be the good one?

I'm tired. If I detach anymore, would I be able to come back if she changed her mind?

If it wasn't for the kids, I'd be gone.

Now the Denver house, my house, our old house, is finally selling (for a lot less than we'd hoped, but for enough). Now I'll really have to leave the house. My son doesn't like it. We like this house, this neighborhood. He is feeling a little stressed thinking about the work invovled in moving while going to school trying to get As. I'm stressed because I don't want the work either, I'm comfortable here, and I feel it's unfair that I should have to move into an apartment while she lives in a new house.

If I it to do over again, I would have pushed W to take the job in AR, move into an appartment and really test her wings; leaving both kids with me. She is the one that doesn't know if she wants in the M, she should face all the consequences.

I'm being a little unfair. My W is not a lunatic, like some spouses I've read about on these boards. She is a good friend and a good parent. I wish her well.

but "let me go why don't you babe, set me free why don't you babe"

I guess that's the gist of my thinking now. I don't know how to proceed or what I really want. I think good DBing would be to keep being nice, friendly, playful, patient, giving her space. I want to tell her everything I'm thinking, talk to her, reason with her, share my feelings, but I think that would push her away. I want to push her away, I want to move on with my live and stop the constant rejection and wondering.

Selling the house: now I have to determine where son and I will live. If I am planning on moving to AR in a year or two, I should probably just rent. If I am not welcome in AR, I should buy, and build equity, tax breaks, etc. I don't know. Selling the house is a symbol, moving out will really be a symbol.

I'm tempted to do more LRT. It would be easy for me except I wan to talk to my daughter daily, and it's hard not to be rude and talk to W sometimes too.

I can tell, now especially that I've been writing, that I will wait some more - be patient. I've got very little to lose, and a lot to gain (maybe... what will I gain? My M was pretty loveless those last few years, just good friends and roommates. Would it be any different? The C thinks it would be and that the potential for real intimacy and happiness is there. Well, he's the expert.)

so, good night.