Good advice cliffy. Especially the business like but friendly bit.
I think its a given he'll get mad for a bit like yesterday and the day before, but once he has some time, I think he'll calm down and understand it's for his benefit and d's too.
Thanks for some male perspective Cliffy...haven't had that for a few posts!
Up early this morning to go to the gym. Pump some iron (Rrrreeooowww! <--- that's supposed to be a lioness growl). Man if my weight training buddy stands me up AGAIN I will be peeved, I need someone there to make me laugh and if h rocks up to the gym (he works there) I can ignore him. Urgh...not smart I know but I don't actually need to talk to him at the moment.
The flat mate he had falling out with (nothing sexual - I think she maaaay have been sorta on my side) will be on the front desk. I get sympathetic hellos from here more recently.
today J is picking d up from ASC care. I rang her to confirm plans once I got to work this morning. Everything is fine, though J did say that she discovered that she doesn't have to play netball till 9pm so she wont' be taking my d up to the gym where h works. I'll just pick d up from J's place.
Now....in my letter to h yesterday I said d would be up at h's work. I did also ask him to tell me if he wanted to pick d up from there that wwas fine and let me know so I could inform J.
He hasn't indicated in any form that he was going to try and see d tonight, so I shouldn't need to tell him of the change in plans. However.....if I don't tell him of the change in plans and he does go to the netball courts to see d (and doesn't find her) - I'll be in the poo AGAIN for not keeping him informed as to d's whereabouts (fallout from the babysitter debacle the other week - he demanded that I tell him d's whereabouts at all times - if not with me).
so I feel damned if I contact him to tell him (even if it is a txt) and possibly further damned if I don't.
I was going to txt, but I don't want him to call me back. I could email, but he might not read it in time (he doesn't have an office job) I don't want to call him. I don't want to talk to him at the moment. It's too chilly. How do I draw the line between what's sensible info to pass on and what he will think is my lame attempt to have connection with him (and then give him a chance to make me feel bad again and misinterpret my actions)
CaseyMooCow: I just read this post where you were asking for advice. My H and I just came back from a very productive session and we are getting information and getting comfortable with what a split would entail.. We are considering a mediated divorce if and when we decide things are still not working for us given some more time. All I can say is that you need to start talking to councelors who know what mediation is so you could feel comfortable with a future decision so that you could make sure your daughter won't suffer.
You don't sound like you feel you are entitled to take a stand with your relationship.. you come across almost powerless and afraid. This is how you tell him you want to hold off on the dance lessons... "I want to stop the dance lessons for a little bit".
And you are right... as we were told.. couples can actually be good friends after divorce because they aren't in each other's face anymore and can be great parents to their children. It does sound like you both want to be friends so just be true and start respecting yourself... Your daughter will appreciate you more for it than to hide behind the fear.
Me: 37 (2nd M), H:35 (2nd M) Our DSs (4, 1.5) M: 4 years
Casey..You probably heard from me enough but I am going backwards in time to read more of your posts... I find you interesting and feel inclined to keep adding my two cents. I just read what you right and certain things leap out to me...
You are the ONLY one who can make you feel bad. Remember that.. you seem to be filling your head with all these assumptions and second guessing yourself like you are constantly on the receiving end of a tennis serve. Try serving for once... maybe your H won't feel so inclined to take so much advantage of your good nature.
You seem to be like me in many respects because I know you want to do the right thing for your daughter so that means putting up with the crap your H is throwing at you... It just seems like you have to put your foot down and make it all unacceptable.
It;s getting late here and I'm getting weary-eyed.
Me: 37 (2nd M), H:35 (2nd M) Our DSs (4, 1.5) M: 4 years
journalling from yesterday...copied from an email to my sis
he hasn't called or texted.
I have the micorwave in the boot of the car for him. I was going to txt him that I have it but I won't approach him about it unless he wants the rest of his stuff. His precious bike is still here. I'm worried I'm going to knock it over. there's no room in the shed for it. never mind.
we have a counselling appointment for 3.30pm tomorrow with d. he is going to pick her up from school adn I'll meet them there. won't this be fun. d bought home a picture/card she did for a friend of hers and inside there is a picture of a broken heart with mum and dad written above it. poor kid. I asked her about it and she got sorta coy/cheeky/guilty and asked if she was in trouble. I said of course not, I was just interested what it meant and why she drew it. I think it's her way of telling her friend what's going on...i dunno.
i really should go to bed. I'm missing him, but i know we are not what the other needs right now or any more. urgh...feeling rather pathetic. go to bed. got 'ringside' in the morning at the gym....belt the sh1t out of someone else (holding pads of course). Hopefully my training buddy G will be there. she knows that i told him we can't be friends. her words were "can't he understand what you're getting at?". the answer would be no...or maybe it's yes...maybe he's pitying me and giving the poor woman time to sort herself out.
neve rmind me...just rambling.
Ps we lost water polo *pout* I got drownded a couple of times but got my own back. I think I like this game....just got to be fitter and remember not to swallow the water (or breathe it)
ringside was great....I was a little bit late. L (instructor and according to h has been his 'confidante') is cool and I like her. She always pairs me with a guy because she says I'm strong. I belted the crapola out of the guy holding the pads for me. Poor man, I actually missed the first kick of the session and got his elbow *cringe* I did apologise and we did swap pads later so he got his own back (not that he is _really_ going to try and hurt me). He said at one point "geez! what do you do for a living??" I think he was expecting me to say a copper or in the army or something. A geologist seemed to fit though...playing with rocks, belting the crap out of things...ya know.
I went upstairs afer the class and asked for h. he came out of the office and hardly looked at me. He said "whaddya want?" I said, "i have the microwave in the boot. Do you still want it?" He said "I'm busy".
*sigh* he can't even answer a straight question. Yes I can appreciate he's busy but by the time I got back down to the car I realised that he hadn't said if he wants it still. (the place he is in is furnished so he doesn't need it now but he wants to find a place closer to his work once his six month lease is up so he might need it then. He said the other day that he could put it in his storage room). I'm tempted to just take it to Cash Converters. A guy at work said he took an old crappy boomboxy thing in and he got 50 bucks for it. Of course, if I did that, then h would get shirty becuase he still wanted it. On the other hand, if I'm switched on enough and had have thought to ask "ok you're busy, that's ok. But do you still want it?".
And he accuses me of not saying what I mean....helloooo?
And my training buddy piked...again. It's okay, I'd rather pair up in those classes with a guy so I can hit them hard. Aren't I mean??! Mwahahahahaaaa. <--- evil laugh
A friend asked me in email this morning if there was any chance of reconciliation, I thought i woudl post what I sent back to her as a record for me if I can add to the list...
Quote:
At this point in time and with E's past behaviours (and my own issues, like codependence and self esteem) i would not want to go back into a relationship with him. Things I would need to see would be counselling (joint and individual for both of us - preferably with the same C who could join things up again), honesty, openness, clean communication, massive reduction of passive aggressive behaviour, doing things together, planning ahead, budgeting, listening and validating, respecting my boundaries (and me learning to keep them!).
so...I guess that means a no to your question of reconciliation. And I'm sure that list above is not complete either!
First off, gotta love someone that plays water polo. I haven't played in years and miss it. Just wanted to catch up on your thread and see whats up. I am not sure what to say, but keep following what is in your best interest. If H is an a$$ then sobeit, number one importance through this is your d, as you know. Quit being his caretaker, he has choices that he made. Who knows what will happen if he pulls his head from where the sun doesn't shine.
Especially the business like but friendly bit.