NikkiB #21

[NikB]

OT
I like that, thanks!

ST
Sadly it's not even an online purchase, it's a local store!! The guys were really nice when I made the purchase... turned shady as soon as they had my $$. Grr.

Yeah, I do need to focus on the positives. And there are quite a few, actually... I should post more about those.

I definitely know not to mention the job or phone things right now (well except the texting if it happens again). When he's acting "normal" (as in the way I remember him before all this), he talks about changing jobs. When he's involved in the EAs, the teenager-y behavior, and the ignoring family/friends, his current job is the best place ever. So.. he's in the second frame of mind right now, no more talk about other jobs. He could honestly switch jobs in a day. Good mechanics are in short supply around here and he's got job offers thrown at him regularly. None pay as well as where he is currently, but some come close (and the pay cut's a helluva lot better financially than what the D is going to cost him if it comes to that).

I love those pumpkin carving templates but I think it'll be a pretty basic design just due to time limitations. I do want to do something kinda cute though. Will just see how creative I'm feeling later on.

Thanks on the wall pic - no worries! I am patient..hehe. It's a very small room and by the time you account for the cabinets and closets, yes, it'd be a pretty small job to paint it, so I may do at least that. The rest of the stuff I'd just make sure it's things I can take with me - art work, curtains, etc.

[SDFoundGirl]

What about Teeny-Bopper for his alien persona? H when he's normal, TB when he's reverting to high school? I agree--no bad names for H, but the alien persona...well, I think finding something that allows you to detach and sort of see things in a humorous light is helpful. Humor is healing!

Have fun carving your pumpkin. I am SO not the Halloween type. Just want to get through tomorrow with my students and their sugar highs....

SD

[NikB]

Thanks SD - I like it!!! I'll try it on for size the next few days, but I think it's gonna work.

I ended up skipping my dance class.. I am soo bad. I skipped it last week due to a sore ankle. This week I developed a bladder infection and fever, went to the doc this afternoon, and by the time I should have been going to class I was super tired. Need to get back to it next week!!

But, I did get a lot accomplished so I am happy for that. Got ready for a work potluck tomorrow, and carved a very cute semi-scary cat pumpkin. I took some pics and will have to share them. I think it turned out great!

Also picked up a few more paint chips, and a magazine with a bunch of inexpensive decorating and room makeover ideas. Oh! And my closet setup arrived - I bought one of those Rubbermaid 'closet systems' rather than a garment rack. Figured it can still move with me if need be, it's a lot more flexible, and much more durable too. I may have mentioned that if I can (OK WHEN I DO!!) install this myself it will be a big accomplishment for me. It involves finding wall studs, screwing in some anchor bolts, etc. Stuff I just haven't ever done because H is so good at it. The box was SO HEAVY I almost couldn't get it in the house - but hey, got that done, so hopefully the install's easy from there.

SD - hope the sugar madness isn't too bad tomorrow! I think I'd hate Halloween if I were a teacher. My mom's a teacher and I know she dreads it every year.

This is actually the first year I've done a pumpkin in a long time. Used to always be excited to do it, but I stopped when H got kinda "bah humbug" about it and wouldn't do it with me. Silly eh? Felt good to do it and have fun with it.

[LooseThread]

"that is *really* unattractive"

and then leave the room or immediate vicinity

Gee....I wonder if that could become a stock standard saying that i could use whenever h does something that makes me feel less of a person or that I don't count. Or gets shirty, or is intolerant or just rude.....

[S.T. _I Made It!]

I'm sorry you weren't feeling well.

will love to see your pumpkin pics! Definitely take pics of what your room looked like before an after, so we can see the great transformation you creating!

[S.T. _I Made It!]

Recommendations for Bladder Infections:


* Herbal detoxofication products for the kidneys and bladder may be helpful for people with bladder infections. If interested, we suggest using organic whole herb formulas. Take a look at the Kidney Bladder Formula and Hot Cayenne Extract to learn more.
* Pure, unsweetened cranberry juice produces hippuric acid in the urine (acidifies and inhibits bacterial growth), drink up to one quart per day. In one study, cranberry juice was found to be an effective inhibitor of E. Coli bacterial of 75% or more in over 60% of the clinical isolates. ( Journal of Urology, 131(5), May 1984, p.1013-1016) In another study, it was found that drinking 4-6 ounces of cranberry juice for 7 weeks prevented urinary tract infections in 19 of 28 nursing home patients. ( The Journal of Naturopathic Medicine, 2(1), 1991, p.45-47
* Drink a minimum of eight glasses of distilled water per day as this is extremely beneficial for urinary tract infections.
* Eat three to six cloves of raw garlic a day- an incredibly potent natural antibiotic.

Things to Avoid:

*
All foods that destroy including, alcohol, caffeine, soda, chocolate, and refined or processed foods. These foods have an over-all depressing effect on the immune system and provide the ideal environment for invading infection.

[NikB]

Thanks ST! I am drinking lots of water and taking cranberry tablets. I can't drink that much cranberry juice or the garlic due to my stomach issues (produces so much stomach acid, I'd be miserable!). I'll see if any of those herbal products look like they might work.

Had a bit more R talk with H last night and this morning. It's been awhile - last time was basically the last bomb. He went to bed, I went to take a shower. He'd left his phone sitting out on the coffee table and it was going NUTS. Text after text, then started ringing. I tried to avoid the urge to look but finally did and yeah, a half dozen or so texts from his latest EA plus a call, all after he'd gone to bed.

H heard the phone beeps as I was looking at it. (how he can't hear the LOUD ring and text notifications but hears it when I'm looking at it and it's quietly beeping? Dunno but weird). The messages weren't THAT bad but clearly they had plans tonight (her and a group of other coworkers) that he flaked on. This has happened a few times before, every time he doesn't go wherever with her and her group of friends, she texts him CONSTANTLY, even after he asks her to stop. After he quit texting in front of me he's had to actually leave his phone in the truck because she wouldn't quit. [I can only wonder, how long will THAT be attractive??]

I know bed time isn't exactly the time to have a big talk but I did a little bit. Especially with this infection I have... we haven't ML that often but a few times when we both felt like it... and well, it got me worried (and feeling a bit stupid that I keep trusting him that he's not sleeping around).

So..

Me: H please just tell me the truth. What's going on with this girl?
H: Nothing.
Me: That's not true and you know it. What's going on?
H: She and [name] and [name] (couple of male coworkers) hang out a lot and I sometimes go with them.
Me: Sure seems to me like she's the only one that texts you.
H: Well. yeah. I'm not sleeping with her or anything, if that's what you're asking.
Me: Well partly. But I'm also asking what IS going on with her.
H: Nothing. We just talk.

I dropped it there and we went to sleep. It was really late by this time. Didn't sleep all that well but not too bad, all things considered.

I went back and forth on it this AM but finally decided to talk to him more. Not angry and doing my best to have no sadness, just talk to him. We ended up talking most of the time he was driving to work. Heck if anything a 180 for us IS talking about things instead of pretending nothing's going on.. so maybe it's a good thing. Upshot was..

Me: H please tell me what's going on.
H: With her? Don't worry about her.
Me: No in general, what's going on? I feel like you're trying to replace me then kick me out of the house. It's how it looks from my side.
H: No, I'm not doing that. We need to talk more, huh? I hate talking about this stuff.
Me: I know but yeah, I think we do.
H: Are you still seeing [our MC]?
Me: No - I saw her that one time awhile back to ask what was going on, haven't seen her since then.
H: Well I guess I should tell you what else she said. She said I need to make a decision one way or another and stick to it.
Me: While I kind of agree with that, I think it's a really big decision and not one to rush into unless you're sure.
H: Yeah, I know. But it's been over a year. [I was just happy it wasn't suddenly up to 15 years]
Me: Yeah, I know. I really regret that we didn't go see her when you first came home and things were good. I feel like we only went to her when we were at the point of a major crisis decision, never when she might have been able to actually help us.
H: Yeah, I see your point. [his tone sounded good here]
Me: I just want to give it every chance we can, you know?
H: Yeah. I'm not rushing into another R or something, you know that right?
Me: That's not how it looks from my side, but ok. So I guess I just want to know, do you have any more hope for us working things out?
H: [MC] told me I had to make a decision.
[I took this to mean that he might have hope but he's fighting it because he's made a decision... could be wishful thinking, I know]

I forget exactly the rest of it. At one point I told him I wasn't ready to file anything but I also wasn't going to roll over and disappear, or leave until things were securely in place, he kind of grunted and said "I know."

I was going to mention the sep/room thing but he was already late for work, so we agreed to talk more about it later.

So frustrating.. some of his actions seem positive. He's been coming home more, making it a point to tell me where he is/has been (all verifiable stories), things like that. All the stuff he was doing last year when he says he was trying. Hugs, kisses, goodbyes before work, etc. It's nowhere near enough, but positives. And on the flip side there's at least one new EA going on (it actually seems that the first one has died out, maybe her new boyfriend wasn't so happy with it), a complete lack of emotional connection, and he's actively distancing himself from me. And obviously, him saying that he wants it over - although he's taking no steps to make that happen. Well, unless you count the emotional pain on my side - I do think he's hoping to make it just bad enough that I'll leave, without hurting me too much. (if that makes sense... just how it feels).

So tired today.. physically, mentally, emotionally... just tired. Hoping work goes by quickly and then I can come home and enjoy handing out candy to the kiddos.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

huh. I really had the impression that things were worse right now. The whole hugs kisses stuff seems kinda weird to me. I don't think H and I were even doing that at all. well, then again, we don't do that normally anyways. dang.

I think the focusing on this other girl was not important. I think focusing on how he is feeling with his own life is what's important. He's obviously searching for something that he thinks is missing, and nothings really working. That is REALLY funny that he leaves his phone in the car sometimes so she won't text. That is great. such a plus for you. you are totally right about it not being attractive. So I would really recommend not to bring her up anymore. she really is unimportant. She is a symptom of the problem.

That is really good that you did have a conversation that was calm. And your point about should have seen MC when things were okay was really good, and I'm glad he actually "heard" that.

So, you never said what H did after he caught you looking at his phone? Was he mad? Did you get defensive? Ya, it wasn't the best thing to look at it, but I totally understand. I woulda done the same thing.

hey, I'm curious, do fruits make you bloated/gassy/discomfort (sorry for the descriptions!) I found out from a cancer doctor who gives monavie for his patients, said that if people get that feeling when drinking it, it's because of Candida. It's a yeast problem that most americans have, and with fruits being a good sugar source for them, they have an "explosion" of growth which can cause those symptoms. eating yogurt, plain yogurt (not the sweetened kind) is very helpful bringing the good bacteria in balance, which is what keeps candida from "over populating".

Here's a webpage that lists the symptoms, what could cause it (and Nikki, I think you'd be a high risk for this with the autoimmune problem you had) and what are good remedies for it, like eliminating sugar and eating yogurt. Antibiotics are NOT.
click to find out about candida affecting our bodies

[NikB]

Hi ST,

Thanks for your thoughts. Yeah, I definitely focused too much on her. I guess with the ML I am worried about health issues... I was believing him, probably not smart on my part, and I wanted to hear about it if he's either sleeping w/her or attempting to. Luckily for me he isn't a very good liar, so I think he was telling me the truth. But the fact that I even had to ask - well, much as I enjoy ML at times and think it's a good way to connect also, it's gonna have to stop unless/until he recommits (and takes the other steps - new job, no more contact, etc.).

Yeah I know what you mean, it FEELS much worse than it appears right now. I think that's what's confusing the heck out of me. He was even proudly introducing me as his wife somewhere we went a couple weeks ago... then last weekend, we were at a neighbor's house and it was almost the opposite, like he was embarassed. We went to the party separately, I went after going out w/some friends Sat night - he was all happy to see me when I got there - but later on someone asked if I was his girlfriend and he sheepishly said "Um well no, she's my... wife." The way he said it was odd.

He calls me to ask me if I can pick stuff up at the store, but follows it up with "If you want, I mean, if you don't mind, if you were going to the store anyway." Does things for me, thanks me for doing things for him - even basic chores. But there's just this constant undercurrent of "It's over, but I'm being nice about it."

Someone else had a sitch like that... Donh I think it was? To the point that he and his W held hands on the way into the courthouse, and hugged and kissed each other as they left after the D was final. In watching his sitch I always went "If we end up D'd, I can see that being us." Except I think he'll get so pissed about the money that may change things. And I may not be able to stay that close to him either, I think it'd hurt too much.

Your point about nothing working reminded me - I asked him if he thought he was going to find happiness in someone else, or if that was possible. I had mentioned in a previous convo awhile ago that I was learning to find it myself. He said "I don't know - I don't know what I'm doing. I'm not looking for an R. I don't know what I want. You have nothing to worry about with this girl though, there's nothing there."

So yeah.. he's confused.. and I was also glad he was somewhat open to my point on the MC.

About his reaction - there wasn't much of one, really. When he walked out and saw me with the phone I handed it to him and said "Some girl's trying to reach you." He looked half "busted," and half depressed. He never got real defensive. At first he said "She never calls me, she always texts" then I said "Well she just did, and she left a voicemail." He just said "Oh. I'm sorry." I said "I'm sorry about looking at your phone. It was driving me crazy with the ringing/texts and then I got upset with what I saw, and wanted to know what's going on so I read the other ones. I should have talked to you instead." He didn't say much of anything to that, was nodding a little bit but mostly looking depressed. He set the phone down and went back to bed.

I went as well and that's when the "bed-time" convo happened. Afterwards I asked him if he'd please shut off his phone in case she kept calling/texting and he said "yeah I should do that" then did. So really that was the only response.

About the candida thing.. I guess the good side of them doing a complete analysis before prescribing anything is I'll know EXACTLY what it is that I have. If it's bacteria I'll go the antibiotics route (and be better about my cranberry stuff so this doesn't happen again!). I'm fairly sure it is because the home test showed high levels of both nitrite and white blood cells. I know the cranberry works to prevent infections, but I have yet to find anything that works to get rid of it once it's started.

If it's yeast/Candida, I actually have some acidophilus at home. I've thought that this was a possibility in the past and tried the really strict diet and supplements for a few months, didn't notice any difference though. I eat very little sugars or fruits and mostly eat low carb as it is, so that may be why. I don't notice any major symptoms when I do eat fruit though. Good idea to incorporate the plain yogurt back in, haven't been eating that for awhile and I know it's really healthy. Helps counteract the bad side of antibiotics too, if I end up having to take them.

[NikB]

In case this locks up soon... I've made the jump to MLC. It was that or We're Separated, but I think MLC makes more sense, for now.

NikkiB #22

Thank you all for your support here, and in advance for your support in the future. Hope to be back here in Piecing someday, but we shall see.

I have been bad about checking in on others lately but will try to get around and offer my support to everyone soon. Please know I'm thinking of you even when I'm not posting to you!