thanks for the kind words. you are right, I can be happy that I did everything I could to try to save things. small comfort, but at least its something. it probably would be more painful in the long run if I hadn't, even though it sure hurts now.
h just left. as soon as he got here tonight I left. kissed the kids, said hello, gave him a quick rundown on their status, and took off for a short lived trip to the mall (they evacuated it as soon as I got there, no idea why). I ended up on the phone (and target, where else?) with a friend I haven't talked to in a while. she lives in CA, another friend I have known since I was 14. funny, my friend in Fl who saw me in april said how good I looked in the pics I just had taken, at least compared to how she saw me then. my CA friend hasn't seen me in 2 years and she was shocked at how tired i look. I do. I look tired and old in those pics.
anyway, it was a good talk, we caught up, I got a few things done, all was good.
got home and H had already put the kids to bed. he asked me if there was anything I needed to talk to him about, I told him no. he asked how my thing was today (meaning therapy), I told him I had no desire to talk to him about it. no desire to talk to him about anything except business or the kids. he asked why...he can't understand...doesn't understand what happened yesterday. I looked at him and just was fine...I was actually fine. not emotional, not angry or sad or anything other than just fine. I said I don't have any desire to know you outside of the things we have to deal with. and I asked him, calmly, that isn't it good to have the lies out in the open? he said no, not at all. I don't believe him, and I said, isn't it better this way? that way I can finally give up that hope he didn't want me to have any more. I told him, calmly, respectfully (not accusing, just relaying info), that all the things he had done...like the coffee pot, when he asked why I took it off the counter, why would he care (he said because its his, I asked if he wanted it, he said no...I don't understand him at all I swear)? those things, the sex, the running around storyland, stuff he has said to me off and on about he and ow not seeing much of each other, and some other things (which he now has conveniently forgotten about, I really don't care, doesn't matter), they all kept hope alive in me. the lies of where he is living and what his intentions were kept hope alive in me. he wants me to let him go. we finally found a way for me to do it. he said he doesn't want it like this. I asked him if he wanted me to have hope, and he admitted no, he doesn't.
I told him calmly and sincerely and respectfully, to go, live his life, enjoy his life. I'm going to do the same.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
