Okay, some pretty big things I need to post about.
I had my Halloween party Sat night and it was awesome! Lots of friends, and I have to admit that, like Heim, I went way over my limit, and the last hour or two were a bit of a blur (thank god I didn't have to leave!). Well, by the end of the night my inhibitions had become non-existent, and I ended up sleeping with one of the 19 yr old girls from my dance night.
I have to say that I'm having mixed feelings about it. I've accepted that my M is over and that the D will 99.9% likely go through come December, and since my W has been with her BF since March and is has been living with him for the last several months, my sleeping with this girl doesn't feel like a bad thing. Unfortunately, I don't feel any emotional attraction to her, and it is now apparent that she is hoping for more of a R (crap!). She is just too young/immature for me to have an emotional connection with her, but I'm having a hard time figuring out how to explain that. I do think she's okay with things not going any further, but it is obvious that she would like them to.
So, I've done what I said I didn't want to do, and am not sure how I feel about it really. People (including mutual friends of W and I) know about it, so I'm sure it will only be a matter of time before she hears about it. Quite honestly, I'm not really concerned about it anymore. Her being upset would kind of be calling the kettle black, though I don't expect her to get upset (I think she's too far gone for that). I hope to continue having a better communicative R with W, whether it leads to reconciliation down the road or not. The kids deserve that, as well as the two of us.
I know that I think about W a lot still, but am feeling less sure about not wanting another R. There is someone who is a cousin of a friend of mine that has apparently asked about me and has shown interest in me, and I have know her for quite a while. I have always found her attractive and enjoyed hanging out with her, and am a little curious as to what an R with her would be like.
My how feelings change.
I've really come to accept my M is over, and cannot continue to wait for W to have a change of heart (despite how much I still would like her to). I do intend to continue focusing on me and making myself a complete person without the need of someone else, but have also decided that it may be okay to explore the possibility of another R with someone that is willing to be friends and take things slow. I think I've come a long way during the last 6 months, but also believe I have much room to grow into the whole man I would like to be before making committments in a serious R. Man, this stuff is confusing!
On a side note regarding my current communication with W:
It's been two weeks since I've seen her. I texted her yesterday to tell her I left a bag with some of the kids' things at daycare when she picks them up. She texted back later to say, "Ok, thanks." I texted back, "Ur welcome." That was that.
I did leave her a note in the bag that went over some things that I felt were important -- upcoming parent/teacher conferences, D3's B-day party plans, splitting the phone bill, etc. I just said at the end to call me if she had any ideas or wanted to discuss anything with me. This was yesterday, and she hasn't called, and I hope she does soon because one item in particular would be best handled tonight. I'm trying to continue giving her the space she needs and her own time to contact me.
So this weekend is salsa dancing and poker night -- I'm excited about getting it started, but am feeling a little depressed and guilty about not having the kids every weekend now (even though the schedule is now equal). I know it's best for the kids to see W more, but I'm sad about losing more of my time. Thought I'd enjoy having every other weekend free, but am finding that not to be exactly true...
She is just too young/immature for me to have an emotional connection with her, but I'm having a hard time figuring out how to explain that
IMHO, there isn't a need for full disclosure here. It's already happened, so unless you plan on seeing her again, the "I'm not really into you" talk has no value.
Maybe the less said the better is the way to go, just a bit of that famous distancing we're all so familiar with.
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My how feelings change
Funny that we become so much more aware of this statement the longer we've been here, isn't it!
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Thought I'd enjoy having every other weekend free, but am finding that not to be exactly true...
1) I think it's good that you're not concerned about this re W, not worried about what she might say or think about it. It says a lot about where you are.
2) It sounds like you've been mulling over (or maybe just subconsciously exploring) the possibility of dating someone else, despite your previous thoughts on the matter. It would've been better, of course, to choose more, um, soberly to be involved, to make a really awake, conscious choice. I wonder if the mulling and the drunken choice are connected, though. The part of you that's ready to move on---already thinking about this friend's cousin as a potential R---sabotaging the thinking you by getting you when you're drunk? Or heck, maybe you were just randy.
3) Big bummer about the young woman, though. That's unfortunate. I'm sure you'll be kind, though. Be kind!
Why guilty about not having the kids---general guilt about them or because it was your choice? I think I missed something.
Oh, here's an example of how I'm using your "sop technique" to stop the negative inner dialogue:
-"Hmmm, I wonder why H is so pissy. Could it be he's jealous?"
-"Irish guy walks out of a bar ... hey, it could happen."
-"But he could've wondered where I was headed dressed nicely and rushing out the door..."
-"Seal walks into a bar. Bartender says 'What'll you have?' Seal says 'Anything but a Canadian club.'"
IMHO, there isn't a need for full disclosure here. It's already happened, so unless you plan on seeing her again, the "I'm not really into you" talk has no value.
Unfortunately I see her twice a night -- once on Lindy Hop night and again during dance performance team practice (she's on the team). This kinda sucks...
Puddle,
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It sounds like you've been mulling over (or maybe just subconsciously exploring) the possibility of dating someone else, despite your previous thoughts on the matter.
Oh sure, I've thought about it, and I was pretty sure that this girl in particular was interested. However, I had no intentions of going there until a) she made many not-so-subtle hints that night, and b) I got drunk and, well, you know...
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It would've been better, of course, to choose more, um, soberly to be involved, to make a really awake, conscious choice.
No question. Although she made the moves, I'm still pretty darn sure I would've kept myself in check if I was sober. Of course, I think she knew that and probably saw this as a prime opportunity. Damn it, I feel so taken advantage of! lol
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The part of you that's ready to move on---already thinking about this friend's cousin as a potential R---sabotaging the thinking you by getting you when you're drunk?
Maybe. I have to admit that since my weekend in Sun Valley during the jazz fest, I began to feel much more "liberated" from my responsibility to my failed M. I had some me time thinking about that during that weekend, but wasn't sure on where these feelings would lead me. Add much alcohol, and there you go! I do actually see that I'm more okay with things than I thought I would be. Not as emotionally affected (surprisingly).
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Big bummer about the young woman, though. That's unfortunate. I'm sure you'll be kind, though. Be kind!
Oh definitely! I feel bad enough as it is. I know by her texts to me all day the next day that she is hoping for us to continue down some sort of R path, and did my best to be kind without leading her to believe that we were going to go down there. I struggled with just saying I don't want that, and am trying to figure out how to tell her politely and respectfully, you know?
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Why guilty about not having the kids---general guilt about them or because it was your choice? I think I missed something.
Both. Don't think you missed anything. I have guilt for both. They've asked for mommy and daddy to do certain things with them together, to live together, etc, a few times throughout the separation, and I just wish I had the power to make things better for all of us as a complete family. I know the choice I made to start alternating weekends was the right choice, but I never wanted to lose time with my kids. It's a double edge sword. It doesn't matter what choice I make -- both have something selfish in them and both have disadvantages for the kids.
Heim,
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Wow, I'm going to your party next year.
Yeah, it was a pretty good turnout and we all had lots and lots of fun throughout the night (yager bombs and cherry bombs were a constant). You're definitely invited next year!
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All good stuff and good to see you not worried about your W's reaction. You're NOT worried about your W's reaction, right?!?!
No, not worried. I'm actually perfectly okay with her finding out. "Frankly, Scarlet -- I don't give a damn!"
Bring on the D. I'm ready to move on to the "Surviving the D" forum and with life! Just want to quit thinking about W as much! I'm in an interesting situation: I'm moving on with my life and not concerned about what W knows and doesn't know, but I still can't quit thinking about her.
W just called and we went over some items regarding the kids. I got the distinct impression that she doesn't want to see me as much as possible, but can't say for sure (trying not to read her mind ).
She's going to call our cell phone provider tomorrow and take her name off of the bill. We were then talking about how I would get a hold of her during the next few days if it was necessary, and I said I could call her at work and she said a little awkwardly, "Yeah, or I could give you...someone else's number (or another number -- can't remember)." Sheesh! Can't she just say his name by now?! It's been like 7-8 months since they've been dating. It's like she can NEVER say his name to me. Still feels guilty, I guess.
I had my duck's back activated, and said, "Okay, that'll work. Let me get a pen and paper...Okay, go ahead." She gave it to me, talked briefly about a few other things and said goodbye.
The more I think about it: yep, she's still very done.
I am glad to be able to finally catch up with you.
Just wanted to let you know that I am in a similar pickle as you and your 19 yr old friend. There is someone I have been spending some time with lately, who I like a lot, but I am very much not ready for an R. Last night he dropped the "I have feelings for you" bomb, and inside I just thought, "Crap!" I cannot honestly return those feelings for him right now, maybe not ever. I explained to him how my guard is up right now and I am not ready to let anyone in yet. I also told him that I wanted him to be as careful with is heart as I am being with mine, but I don't think he is listening to that advice. It sucks because I care about him and really don't want to hurt him. I just don't think this is going to end well, though. Anyway, if you figure out how to let someone down easy in this sitch, let me know!
^I guess that was a good argument against dating before you are ready, although I hadn't really even considered it dating in the first place. Should this go on your date/not date thread?
I haven't a clue how to weigh in on the persuing a new R, but at least for yourself it seems that you're managing to move past everything; or at least, most things.
(I'm sorry I don't comment much on other people's threads, esp. when they comment so much on mine. I guess I just don't have as much advice to give as folks here do. So, supportive comments when they seem called for is about what I can do )
GD, I gotta hand it to you. You've gone from someone who wanted to control your W with lots of anger issues to someone who is still willing to take his W back after she moved onto a boyfriend and now you feel guilty -- after 8 months of separation -- for having sex with a hot 19 year old. You are my hero.
I have no serious advice for letting someone down, since I've never actually been in that situation. I would hazard a guess though that honesty is the best policy. Straightforward, not blunt, but kind. I think you can manage that quite well.
Refraining from piggish comments through great intestinal fortitude.
I also think this will help you detach from your W. Now, the same thing could've been achieved with some heavy duty flirting maybe, but you do really think about your W a lot. In the last few weeks, you've seemed to move away from that.
If I were to guess, based on nothing but intuition, she's probably questioning her choices. As you say though, she has a lot of pride and you both caused each other a lot of hurt. As you tell everyone, she may or may not come back. I think you're ready to stop thinking about how your decisions are going to affect her and live for you and your kids, while leaving that door open in the back of your mind.
Keep on dancin'
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
). 