just got an e-mail from him about rolling the pension money and asking what I thought would be best for it. guess he's figured out I am not going to budge on it. maybe that's wrong, I don't know, but my dad drilled it into my head a long time ago that you don't touch retirement money. one of his options was to put it into 529s for the kids, but I won't do that...I want it for retirement.
am I being too stubborn? funny how some things get so drilled into your head...like mom's insistance on good shoes, and they have to be of natural material (like leather).
Pick your battles. You may need to come up to speed on all things financial (if you're not already.) Moving the pension money into 529, last I checked, would be a taxable event, not a direct rollover.
My WAW is a mom who stays at home. I did some research (and talked to a L) in case she filed to prepare for the worst, and DB my butt off to keep that from happening. I'm still looking for ways to protect my kids if it comes to a D. I'm a firm believer of anything in the bank stays there, spend the interest (when you retire) and leave the principal to your kids. Moving my pension/IRA/401(k) to kids in any form wasn't an option. YMMV.
You may be able to roll over from pension to 2 different retirement accounts (is the pension with the current or former employer?) Each account in your own name. Then if someday he decides to touch it, your half is safe.
There is no need to be stubborn about leaving the retirement money in retirement if there really is no other option (such as 529). Although he may benefit (indirectly) from what you learn, you really will be helping yourself. Alimony stops eventually. A sahm friend of ours has been D for a few years and she has hit this point and is panic stricken. She now needs get a job, deal with what do do re 401(k) etc. and address all things financial. I help her as I can. Now she wished (and I quote her) she spent "less time on the phone with [my WAW] and more time understanding money."
Learn what you can about what assets you both currently have, and what options are available to you.
exiled, yes, them pension money is from his previous employer, he started a new job recently. it never occured to me that we could roll it into two different iras. thanks so much, that might be a very good option for us. I will definitely look into it further.
funny, I have a minor in econ, used to have a fair amount of understanding when it came to money matters...and now, well, I feel like I never learned anything. I left all our investment decisions up to him for some reason. no clue why. definitely out of practice and feel like I'm starting from square one, but I'm definitely going to spend some time re-familiarizing myself on this front. I do know where our money is, at least, so that is something. can only go up from here!
thanks much for the advice.
back from therapy and getting the kids from school. my therapist, as usual, was awesome. she called what happened to me The Perfect Storm (triggered by the divorce request on saturday, the ow talk on sunday, and the acct/money discovery on monday). she compared it to a tidal wave, and gave me some really good advice should it happen in the future. hopefully I will never experience anything quite like it again...it was scary as hell.
and yet, I'm still glad I got the anger out of me. I am. I have been so wrapped up with saving a unsalvageable marriage, that I stifled so much and it was bound to come out somehow. could have come out in a better way, been handled in a better way, but I'm still glad its out there. at least today.
going dark to H. I can't be friends with him. can't be friendly with him. can only be neutral to him, and civil. that's it. no more. not until I am fully over him.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Hi, Morgan. It sounds like you are moving steadily in the direction that is right for you at this time.
Anger is ugly. It will eat you up inside. It has to come out. The best case scenario, is that it is handled in a "nice" way. However, it is better to come out in a storm then not at all. Anyway, your H deserved it. He has dumped on you so many times. What's important is you feel better.
P.S. No need to be nice. You are a better woman than I because he probably wouldn't even get "civil" from me at this point. I would probably do the drop off at MIL like MK said.
Me29 H33 D9 months S2 S9(previous R) Sep 8-19-07 I file 11-5-07 H home (Retro) 2-15-08 "Today is the tomorrow of yesterday." -- S9
Suze Orman says the same as your Dad, bt I do not know what applies to single parents.
The Perfect Storm, three bombs in one may actually be a blessing Why drag this crap out for months and months?
Don't feel obliged to do anyting for your H.
You are not Poor Morgan. I would own those nights at home with the kids like a badge of honor. That is most sane people want as opposed to his life. Believe me, my job is to party and be out all night with a bunch of singletons and all most sane people want is a house filled the love of kids. We know this is a huge loss for our H's but it is not our job to wake them up any more. There somes a time when we must cut the apron strings. Sorry for the parental idiom but think selfishly for a change. Take care of Morgan first. This may feel foreign to you in the beginning but as Dr. Ellen says, "Feel the guilt, then do it anyways." Moms always putthemselves last, hs and kids come first automatically. Take time for Morgan. Get a sitter even on your day. Do whatever you can to make yourself happy. His loss. His loss completely. H is not your responsibility.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
playdate just left....am pooped. lol. but it was nice, the kids had fun, I had fun chatting, and may have found someone who might know someone who can fix the roof of my shed. we'll see. would be nice to get that taken care of before the snow flies.
I love susie orman. haven't read/listened to her in a while. need to get back on the bandwagon. shame of me for sitting back on this and trusting my husband. its such an old joke, isn't it? so cliche.
yep, taking care of me. not in an angry/vindictive way. will be curious how soon H puts together a proposal for me for me to consider mediation. if he won't file, that's his only other option. guessing it will be sooner rather than later, but hey, his call, his ballgame.
sucks. it all sucks. I miss my h. I wanted to call/e-mail him a dozen times today. how sad is that? I haven't done that since I found db. I haven't. not at all. but today I just wish he was still my h, still my best friend, still the man I knew. don't get me wrong, I know he's not. I know pulling back to black is the best thing for me. still sucks though. yep, still sucks.
this is going to be a hard process.
I don't even know where i belong, now. I don't know if I belong on db at all. I don't know if I should shift over to the divorced boards, or if I should just hang out here, or just leave this part of my life behind and go back to twop and such and have some fun. no more focus on crap.
my therapist and I talked about it for a while today. about how I have been too focused on saving my marriage...that has been my whole focus. yes, I have done some gal and other stuff, but its all been to move me forward, but also with the underlying desire and hope for it all to save my marriage. that hasn't been healthy for me at all. the anger just stayed underneath, with occasional steam pockets coming up from time to time.
just wish I had had that crystal ball to realize long ago how futile this all was. I don't mean all of db. some of it has been healthy for me, too. again, the gal. the safe place here where people could understand me. the knowledge that the tears and such will not bring him back. all of that has been good. but the hope wasn't.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
I'm sorry you're feeling that this was a waste, Morgan. I believe that, if you hadn't tried, hadn't given it your all, you might have always wondered if you could have saved your marriage. Now you know you gave it your all, and then some. You can now move forward, knowing that you tried, with full confidence.
Hopefully, someday, you will look back on this time and not see it as a waste, but as a necessary moment in your journey.
((HUGS))
Me29 H33 D9 months S2 S9(previous R) Sep 8-19-07 I file 11-5-07 H home (Retro) 2-15-08 "Today is the tomorrow of yesterday." -- S9
I don't even know where i belong, now. I don't know if I belong on db at all. I don't know if I should shift over to the divorced boards, or if I should just hang out here, or just leave this part of my life behind and go back to twop and such and have some fun. no more focus on crap.
I too had the same questions...should I even be here. Personally, I'd like it if you stayed! You are even changing my mind about Yanks in general! Heh....
