playdate just left....am pooped. lol. but it was nice, the kids had fun, I had fun chatting, and may have found someone who might know someone who can fix the roof of my shed. we'll see. would be nice to get that taken care of before the snow flies.
I love susie orman. haven't read/listened to her in a while. need to get back on the bandwagon. shame of me for sitting back on this and trusting my husband. its such an old joke, isn't it? so cliche.
yep, taking care of me. not in an angry/vindictive way. will be curious how soon H puts together a proposal for me for me to consider mediation. if he won't file, that's his only other option. guessing it will be sooner rather than later, but hey, his call, his ballgame.
sucks. it all sucks. I miss my h. I wanted to call/e-mail him a dozen times today. how sad is that? I haven't done that since I found db. I haven't. not at all. but today I just wish he was still my h, still my best friend, still the man I knew. don't get me wrong, I know he's not. I know pulling back to black is the best thing for me. still sucks though. yep, still sucks.
this is going to be a hard process.
I don't even know where i belong, now. I don't know if I belong on db at all. I don't know if I should shift over to the divorced boards, or if I should just hang out here, or just leave this part of my life behind and go back to twop and such and have some fun. no more focus on crap.
my therapist and I talked about it for a while today. about how I have been too focused on saving my marriage...that has been my whole focus. yes, I have done some gal and other stuff, but its all been to move me forward, but also with the underlying desire and hope for it all to save my marriage. that hasn't been healthy for me at all. the anger just stayed underneath, with occasional steam pockets coming up from time to time.
just wish I had had that crystal ball to realize long ago how futile this all was. I don't mean all of db. some of it has been healthy for me, too. again, the gal. the safe place here where people could understand me. the knowledge that the tears and such will not bring him back. all of that has been good. but the hope wasn't.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
