Okay, some pretty big things I need to post about.
I had my Halloween party Sat night and it was awesome! Lots of friends, and I have to admit that, like Heim, I went way over my limit, and the last hour or two were a bit of a blur (thank god I didn't have to leave!). Well, by the end of the night my inhibitions had become non-existent, and I ended up sleeping with one of the 19 yr old girls from my dance night.
I have to say that I'm having mixed feelings about it. I've accepted that my M is over and that the D will 99.9% likely go through come December, and since my W has been with her BF since March and is has been living with him for the last several months, my sleeping with this girl doesn't feel like a bad thing. Unfortunately, I don't feel any emotional attraction to her, and it is now apparent that she is hoping for more of a R (crap!). She is just too young/immature for me to have an emotional connection with her, but I'm having a hard time figuring out how to explain that. I do think she's okay with things not going any further, but it is obvious that she would like them to.
So, I've done what I said I didn't want to do, and am not sure how I feel about it really. People (including mutual friends of W and I) know about it, so I'm sure it will only be a matter of time before she hears about it. Quite honestly, I'm not really concerned about it anymore. Her being upset would kind of be calling the kettle black, though I don't expect her to get upset (I think she's too far gone for that). I hope to continue having a better communicative R with W, whether it leads to reconciliation down the road or not. The kids deserve that, as well as the two of us.
I know that I think about W a lot still, but am feeling less sure about not wanting another R. There is someone who is a cousin of a friend of mine that has apparently asked about me and has shown interest in me, and I have know her for quite a while. I have always found her attractive and enjoyed hanging out with her, and am a little curious as to what an R with her would be like.
My how feelings change.
I've really come to accept my M is over, and cannot continue to wait for W to have a change of heart (despite how much I still would like her to). I do intend to continue focusing on me and making myself a complete person without the need of someone else, but have also decided that it may be okay to explore the possibility of another R with someone that is willing to be friends and take things slow. I think I've come a long way during the last 6 months, but also believe I have much room to grow into the whole man I would like to be before making committments in a serious R. Man, this stuff is confusing!
On a side note regarding my current communication with W:
It's been two weeks since I've seen her. I texted her yesterday to tell her I left a bag with some of the kids' things at daycare when she picks them up. She texted back later to say, "Ok, thanks." I texted back, "Ur welcome." That was that.
I did leave her a note in the bag that went over some things that I felt were important -- upcoming parent/teacher conferences, D3's B-day party plans, splitting the phone bill, etc. I just said at the end to call me if she had any ideas or wanted to discuss anything with me. This was yesterday, and she hasn't called, and I hope she does soon because one item in particular would be best handled tonight. I'm trying to continue giving her the space she needs and her own time to contact me.
So this weekend is salsa dancing and poker night -- I'm excited about getting it started, but am feeling a little depressed and guilty about not having the kids every weekend now (even though the schedule is now equal). I know it's best for the kids to see W more, but I'm sad about losing more of my time. Thought I'd enjoy having every other weekend free, but am finding that not to be exactly true...
