W has been over-sensitive to just about anything I say, like she's looking for reasons to be angry with me. Hmmmmmmm, new goal, don't give her any (not that I have, mind you), but I'll try to be even more calm, cool, and collected when we speak.
Good goal, Heim. I agree with Puddle that communication with W is best served with a good balance of standing your ground while being gentle and reasonable with presenting your needs, pov, etc. When W said she wasn't trying to be a biatch, despite being angry maybe you could respond with something like, "I know you're not. Please just let me finish saying what I need to say first?" I'm sure the latter statement could be made better, but definitely don't say, "but you are being a biatch." I'm sure you can see how that is not productive.
I can remember a few of the heated convos I had with my W following my rafting weekend when I took the kids and didn't tell her where we were going (maybe you remember too?). W had called up to the friend's house my friends and I were meeting at and left a message to call her. When I called her she just unloaded on me (something very uncharacteristic of her during our R/M). She yelled at me for taking the kids and not telling her and giving her the choice of keeping them herself. She continued by telling me how "effing pissed" she was and how her first reaction was to drive up there (4 hrs away) and get the kids. So, what did I do? I just keep validating and empathizing: "you're right, I should have told you," "I'm sorry, you're right," "you're right, I definitely should've given you a choice," "I understand why you're upset," etc. She just kept yelling at me and repeating how mad she was, and finally I said (compassionately), "I really am sorry. I don't know what else to say." Eventually during her rant she began to cry, and finally told me that she was sorry for going off on me, and I told her, "It's okay. I understand and really am sorry. I didn't mean to worry you, hurt your feelings, etc." We then made plans for her to pick them up after we returned in a few days.
Then a few days after returning home, there was a misunderstanding based on something D3 had said regarding how she got a burn on her thumb, and W called me and tore into me again. However, I just listened, validated, and empathized and told her that I was wrong and that D3 had told me something different, and that I would talk with her again. She just kept yelling once again, and I just kept saying you're right and I'm sorry. Once again, she calmed down and again apologized for going off on me. I accepted her apology and empathized with her feeling the way she did about it.
The point here is this. My former self would've gotten extremely defensive and angry during both convos. I would've yelled back, swore back, fed her guilt-trips, etc. I would've been a total ass, but instead I showed understanding and compassion. I actually listened to her and validated her feelings. A month or two later during our big R talk (only one in 9 months), she mentioned that she took notice of that and was surprised at the way I reacted. I know that she took note of my changes in behavior, and I think it has done a lot for the way she chooses to communicate with me, even when upset or angry, today.
I know that, no matter what, our communication will be healthier for the rest of our lives because of my changes, and I also know that W will respect this and appreciate this for the rest of our lives too. I think it will always help to leave the door to reconciliation a wee bit cracked, and that is also an ancillary benefit to my changes. The same needs to go for you. Show her your strength and ability to handle frustrating moments with patience, calmness, understanding, etc, despite the hurt, pain, and anger you've had to deal with as a result of the separation and potential D. You'll feel better about it, and it will help you keep the door cracked too.
Sorry for the long post -- just wanted to drive that point home (and I think I needed to remind myself of it too).
