Hardly faking it anymore: Puddle's third thread

[Puddle]

Hey Heim,

Maybe the way that he's been acting is allowing you to really evaluate your R, and him, for the first time without blinders on.

I think this may be part of it. When I think back on our R, I realize there were a *lot* of things missing for me. My contribution probably aggravated that, of course, but the possibility of finding someone with an, um, sunnier temperament is nice.

Could be a protective mechanism to keep yourself from getting hurt. Is this a feeling you've had in the past with other Rs?

I was left once before, and was devastated but immediately buried it (only to have it---the burying---bite me in the butt big-time later). This time I feel like I felt very, very sad, but guarded against stuffing those feelings. I certainly experienced them; I'm just not right now.

You've said you have a hard time opening up. Is closing off the way you've dealt with things in the past?

Definitely one of my biggest issues. Right now I feel like I could dig down and work up some sadness, anger, etc, but why would I? Since I'm generally not good at this kind of thing, it's hard for me to tell whether I've really "gone through" it or not. Not sure how to figure that out either. Guess I'll just give myself some time.

I'm with you on this one. Snow cave? Freight train! Whoa. Sounds like you're in a good place regarding this guy. Looks like it's going down the friend road.

Yeah, we're ... different. And I threw something fairly flirty out to him and he gave me a big "Whoa...." Seems to have his head on pretty straight about not doing anything potentially regrettable, so that's good (but...damn!).

Actually, despite what's apparently a clear rejection, I'm happy about doing that. It took some courage on my part, and in the past I 1) would never have done that, and 2) would've thought, "Great, rejection, I'm such a loser..." but now I just think, good for me for going for it. And that feels like a good place to be.

And to preempt any tawdry questions, I didn't proposition the guy. I'm not that brave yet! I think I left myself a decent out and responded gracefully. I hope.

I remember thinking for the first time that I'm really free to talk to any of these women without any restrictions on what happens after. Really sunk in for me.

That's great! Freeing, isn't it?

Sigh, if I hadn't been quite so happy, might could've done a bit of devil dancin'. Poop.

You'll have plenty of opportunities, I'm sure, though maybe without the devil costume.

I still love her and all, and I'm confident we could have a good life together. Yet, the more I think about it, sometimes I'm not as quite as confident that we could be a great couple and that she can give me what I need/want in a R.

I'm finding this kind of a sad place to be. I don't mean I'm feeling sad, but rather, "Wow, that's sad." Actually, when I think back over the M reflecting on what I'd really like and what I had, *that* feels pretty sad! Maybe H is right: He was just the first one to see it.

Muddle on through

Thanks, you, too. Muddling on...

Take care.