More complicated than I imagined...

[Michael Mc C]

Do you mean making life easy for her while you do all the work? The question should be what are you going to get out of it?

Yeah, that is definitely something that has been on my mind, as well as the minds of ALL of my friends and family. "Why let her have it easy when she is showing no sign of trying, let alone caring?"

If we end in D, I want it to at least be amicable. I do not see me wanting to remain "best friends" with her if that happens but I'll need to be able to socialize with her, and her with me, for the sake of our kids. Also, if she is still here, regardless of where she is sleeping, she can more readily see the changes I've made in myself - the fact that I do not NEED to remain married to her to find fulfillment in my life and that she can also be her own person while remaining married.

As for NC, that's a tough one. I want her to go with us for selfish reasons but also because I'm not detached enough. I want her there because I love spending time with her (at least I used to). No access to her game down there so she'd be forced to be distracted some other way - not saying distracted WITH me, but maybe distracted enough to start to feel there are some things she might miss. I know that I will miss her down there. If she stays in NJ, she will miss the kids. If she goes to NC, she'll get a dose of reality in seeing something else she'd be giving up, as small as it may seem in the larger scheme of things.

I don't know. Our anniversary is a week from today. Still trying to figure out what the hell I'm going to do about that. Nothing? Give her a card? She knows how I feel and I can't say that she's happy about it. My guess is that even a card would seem over the top. However, IF she ever comes around, I want her to remember that she has been loved and supported through all of this.

I guess that's what I'm working towards in the end. I want to be in a place (within myself) where I can give unconditional love and to be ready to let her go when/if the time comes. Apparently I have a long way to go still.

[hopeforfuture]

MCC,
What part of Jersey you from? Northern or Southern? It would be nice to do a happy hour with some other DBers.

[Michael Mc C]

Northern NJ.

Up in beautiful Sussex County - bears, cows, condos - we've got it all! How about you?

Happy hour - now that's GAL!!

[hopeforfuture]

Northern also. Can I send you an email?

[Michael Mc C]

You sure can: [e-mail]

[Michael Mc C]

Since reading DR and posting on this board, I have a conflicting view of what acting "as if" really means and when it should be applied.

DR seems to indicate that you act "as if" in situation specific moments - i.e., act as if the outcome of a discussion is going to be positive.

Some postings I've read have members stating that they will continue to act "as if". Does this mean that with every interaction they have with their spouse that has the possibility in ending in a negative way, they will act as if the outcome will be positive?

Or does it mean that we should begin living our lives "as if" we weren't really going through any of this?

In my case, I can see acting as if my wife didn't want a D. It would certainly help in my daily interactions with her as well as help to build some confidence and comfort for both of us. But is this really a healthy thing to do? It seems awfully close to denial.

Just a question. I've seen the phrase used in different ways so I'm wondering what everyone else thinks about this.

[SingleAgain]

DR seems to indicate that you act "as if" in situation specific moments - i.e., act as if the outcome of a discussion is going to be positive.

It all depends on the situation and perception.

A relationship talk is coming up. You are aprehensive and nervous as all get out. Rather than telegraph those emotions you act "as if" otherwise things can and will go south very quickly.

I would not characterize the technique as denial if you can do it for the right reasons. You can use it to get a reaction also.

mcc_xfer, I am in Bloomingdale (Kinnelon, Butler, Pompton Lakes, West Milford area)

[hopeforfuture]

I've struggled with applying this also. I think you are supposed to act 'As If' everything is fine and keep a positive outlook on things. The idea being that it is hard for someone to stay mad at you when you always have a smile on your face.

I think there are times though when you should drop this and stand you ground. Not need to be a doormat.

BTW, you have email.

[Michael Mc C]

Ah ha! Right up 23 (actually down 23). I'm in O'Burg (Franklin, Sparta, Lake Mohawk area).

You've probably heard about our world famous zinc mine...

[Michael Mc C]

It all depends on the situation and perception.

A relationship talk is coming up. You are aprehensive and nervous as all get out. Rather than telegraph those emotions you act "as if" otherwise things can and will go south very quickly.

Right, I see what you mean. I'm not living a lie, I'm projecting my PMA instead of appearing to be beaten before the discussion even begins.

I think there are times though when you should drop this and stand you ground. Not need to be a doormat.

And I agree here as well. I've let myself feel trampled before and it doesn't do either of us any good. I have been "graciously" letting her know when she's expecting something from me for which she should have no reasonable expectation. Didn't do that enough in the M maybe.