Well, uneventful night. W skipped school last night and we went out to get the kids halloween costumes and then went out to dinner. Had an ok time, nothing much happened. Came home and she got on the computer and we sat around for a while. She actually IM'd me, got some chuckles from her:
W: Hey there Me: Yo W: a/s/l? Me: 30/m/10 feet W: HAWT Me: you please me W: creepy man
Dunno about the creepy part, here I am trying to say I enjoy her and I get that. Ah well. Went to bed later and fell asleep, W came up around 12. At one point in the night I woke up and rolled over and my hand brushed hers. She grabbed it and we fell asleep holding hands. It was nice, but I'm pretty sure she was half asleep or she'd never have done that.
This whole situation confuses me endlessly. I'm somewhat jealous of the guys around here whose W's are clearly done and have no emotional investment in the M. I get so many mixed signals it's driving me crazy. One day I'll just start to feel like she doesn't give a damn about me and the next she does something that seems to show she really does care. No idea what to do about that, the yoyo is getting tiring. There are so many signs that she is obviously still emotionally invested in me, and it seems clear there are things she still wants from me. Yet I feel like I'm flying blind, like there are things she needs from me but either won't let me give them to her or won't tell me what they are. And she still wants me to be more open and honest but I haven't figured out how to do that yet, I can't see what good it would do to pour out my feelings for her constantly...
I do feel it's all a big test, like she's just sitting back waiting for me to show her the man she wants me to be. Yet how can I do that when I am constantly rejected and unloved, when I get all these mixed signals, when she clearly wants things from me but won't say what they are? I feel really unloved. It's hard to continue to be strong and confident and let her know I care about her when I'm rejected at every turn. The part that really pisses me off though is that this could be so easy to get out of if she would just be willing to try. If she would let me be close, make some efforts to tell me what she needs and what we should do to fix our M, we could make a go of it. But she won't. I can see in her eyes at times how she wants to be close, but she won't let herself. She needs to forgive me but she has to make that choice. She needs to give me a chance and take that risk and let us get close again, but she isn't willing to.
So yeah, today I'm just feeling frustrated. I keep thinking about how many women out there would appreciate me and love me for what I'm willing to go through, for my devotion and desire to grow and make a R work. It seems so much easier to just give up and move on. Why shouldn't I? Yet I think that desire comes from feeling hurt and rejected and not from my desire to truly move on. But that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.
