Plank removed from my eye, too late for WAW? 7

[Lissie2414]

HI Heim
I think you did great too. It is tough to schedule the kids but your W needs to realize that the world is not always going to be perfect and changes and adjustments are going to have to be made. Life is not that simple and straightforward. Again I think you did a great job handling that convo. Good job

[waw1978]

Heim I think you handled it well. Schedule changes are just part of the rollercoaster ride. Some of your spouses (and some of us) are better at coping than others. I think you did great! I have to agree with OT that there certainly may have been an underlying agenda with W but you didn't bother insinuating that.

Keep up the good work. Hope things get smoother with the kids. I am going through similar sitch with my daughter...acting up for one or both of us, basically acting out because of the separation.

[Heimlich]

Thanks, everyone.

OT, I thought about OM plans as well, after I got off the phone -- that's generally how little I think about that now. Could be. Who knows.

your W needs to realize that the world is not always going to be perfect and changes and adjustments are going to have to be made. Life is not that simple and straightforward.

This is more the issue. She's never been a fly by the seat of her pants gal and needs a schedule to feel in control of her life (that may be overstating it, but not by much).

I guess the other source of aggravation was that I had already outlined to her what I was thinking of doing but was waiting to talk with my dad Sunday or yesterday to confirm plans.

Also forgot to mention that when I said that this is me giving you the space that you want, she said something like, "I don't want to talk about that" or "I don't want to talk about that yet." Note, the space statement was that, a statement. I didn't leave it hanging out there as a "please, please talk to me" piece of bait. Possible opening? Again, who knows.

Still love her. Still not totally detached. But getting closer.

WAW, hang in there with the D. For the first couple of weekends, I dialed up the excursions/fun factor. This last Saturday, we just hung in the apartment mostly. I keep having the feeling that once it settles in that this may be permanent, we'll start seeing more reaction from them. Just have to wait and see.

BD

[Heimlich]

Hope,

My W regularly tries to convince me that if our R goes the way of D, we will be able to handle situations with the kids well since we are both loving, caring, rational parents. I've always been skeptical of that and know that nothing ever goes as planned.

Well, this IS true. The crux of the matter is that my kids, your kids, everyone on this board kids will be OK. They'll just never be as OK as they would be with two happy parents in a committed M. That's the part about the WAS that bugs the hell out of me.

I don't subscribe to the theory that a D will ruin my girls' lives. I do know that it will affect them in ways that I'm just not smart enough to anticipate right now.

BD

[Puddle]

Hey Heim,

I started calm, cool, and collected. After a while, when the person you're talking to is almost willfully twisting what you're trying to say, you just get tired of it.

I totally get this part. I just think you could've done without calling her a biatch. I'm pretty sensitive about this kind of language, though---to me, calling names has always been the ultimate form of verbal disrespect.

One thing also sticks in my mind. For a number of years I've been the "yes, dear" husband.

I wouldn't have guessed that about you.

However, at some point, you can't just get walked over. She's was starting to walk. One, that's not the kind of man she wants to be with, I don't think.

I can see your point here, too. And everyone else seems to agree that you were on the mark in your responses.

Two, if she were to come back because of that (she can do as she pleases), that's not the kind of woman I want to be with. That make any sense?

I don't think you need to be walked on, and I guess I don't think a momentary flare of self-defense is a bad thing. I'm not suggesting you should've given up and settled for her demand to stick to the schedule; I just wonder whether you could've stood up for yourself without the name-calling and sarcasm. I'd like to find the fine line there, myself, since we obviously all have to deal with stuff like this.

So, yeah, all in all, OK with the way the conversation went.

This is, of course, all that matters.

Puddle, you're one of the most clear-headed folks here, you're always entitled to give advice.

Thanks, Heim, just not feeling it right now. Funny that when all I feel like posting to people is, geez, get over it and move on, everyone else cheers the way you handled this and I'm the voice of caution.

OT, I thought about OM plans as well, after I got off the phone -- that's generally how little I think about that now.

This, Heim, is fantastic. It sounds like a huge shift for you.

when I said that this is me giving you the space that you want, she said something like, "I don't want to talk about that" or "I don't want to talk about that yet."....Possible opening?

You know, when I read your "possible opening?" I was surprised. When I read the first part it was very clear to me that W was thinking, "Damn, he's going to try to turn this into an R talk now!" and was moving preemptively to cut you off. Says to me she's still waiting for you to slip up. I could be wrong, of course.

I keep having the feeling that once it settles in that this may be permanent, we'll start seeing more reaction from them.

You know, I wonder if there's ever a point when we *stop* looking for effects of this. I mean, when they're teenagers and they smoke pot, will we be wondering whether it's because of the D? That's probably unnecessarily grim, and the why probably won't matter. I just realize I haven't been thinking lately too far beyond the immediate adjustment period, and that's probably a good thing.

You're a good dad, Heim, observant and sensitive to your girls. I know you're going to be able to help them through the very best you can.

Take care.

[Heimlich]

Puddle,

Generally not a fan of name-calling, but she started it

Seriously, she said something like "I'm not trying to be a B here." and I responded with, "you're acting like a B" or somesuch. My point, I didn't just straight up call her a bad name.

When I say 'yes, dear', I had opinions and whatever. It's just when she would suggest something and I happened to agree with it, I would just agree. On many things, we are in total agreement. Looking back, she most likely needed more conversation around the little things like that. I didn't and I think she may have felt unappreciated or that I wasn't involved. To me, we agreed, boom, let's move on to something else.

Originally Posted By: Heimlich
when I said that this is me giving you the space that you want, she said something like, "I don't want to talk about that" or "I don't want to talk about that yet."....Possible opening?


You know, when I read your "possible opening?" I was surprised. When I read the first part it was very clear to me that W was thinking, "Damn, he's going to try to turn this into an R talk now!" and was moving preemptively to cut you off. Says to me she's still waiting for you to slip up. I could be wrong, of course.

You have as even a chance as I do of being right

Thanks for the kind words regarding me girls. I do my best.

Oooohhh, pot! Confiscation!

BD

[Puddle]

Hey Heim,

Generally not a fan of name-calling, but she started it

Have you been hanging out with my kids?

My point, I didn't just straight up call her a bad name.

I got it, and I don't assume your usual interactions with your W include name-calling.

I think she may have felt unappreciated or that I wasn't involved.

Yeah, I could see that being viewed as passivity or indifference. Good to note.

Oooohhh, pot! Confiscation!

Did the cops just raid your house?

Take care.

[Heimlich]

I mean, when they're teenagers and they smoke pot,

Just making a joke based on that. Stuff just makes me sleepy and want to eat large amounts of ice cream now. I stay away.

W has been over-sensitive to just about anything I say, like she's looking for reasons to be angry with me. Hmmmmmmm, new goal, don't give her any (not that I have, mind you), but I'll try to be even more calm, cool, and collected when we speak. Throw that focus back on herself and her decisions, whatever they happen to be at the moment.

[Puddle]

Hey Heim,

I mean, when they're teenagers and they smoke pot,

Just making a joke based on that.

Duh. I'm clearly not the sharpest tool right now.

Stuff just makes me sleepy and want to eat large amounts of ice cream now. I stay away.

I'm so with you on that.

W has been over-sensitive to just about anything I say, like she's looking for reasons to be angry with me. Hmmmmmmm, new goal, don't give her any

Sounds really good.

(not that I have, mind you)

Yeah, it's been a few days.

Take care, Heim.

[Lissie2414]

Hi Heim
Isn't it amazing how they can get mad at your for the littliest thing now. It is like they are looking for reasons to be mad at us. I mean mine gets so blown out of shape for things that I would not even think of as being things to get mad over but when you are looking for any excuse then that is what you get. I do the same thing and watch everything I do so that he can not get mad at me. He still does and it amazes me the things that set him off but I figure that it is his issue not mine now. I think it is easier for them if they are mad at us then if they have us being all nice. So kill them with kindness.