I had a really hard time going to sleep last night. think the after effects of the rage. I talked to my friend for a long time, not to mention 4 other friends/my sister, and they (as well as posting here and reading all your responses) all helped in different ways. I fell asleep around 1 this morning, but was up by 3 or so for a bit...until around 5, then was up a little after 6 because my eldest had a nightmare. so not a lot of sleep, but had a nice time with S5 this morning snuggling in my bed. my kids never come in my bed, it was kind of a special time just cuddling and talking this morning. then we decided to go ahead and get up and surprise the twins with mickey waffles for breakfast.
I know as far as marriage saving, I did everything wrong yesterday. but I don't regret it even now, because I think my marriage is truly beyond saving. its nice to have the lies out in the open. its nice to let go of the stupid things that kept me hanging on. so much did...the sex, of course, but also him going thru my phone, or getting mad because i put his coffee pot away in a cabinet. and to a large extent, this board. it did. it gave me hope. I spent the last several months believing stuff I did would make a difference. and it does in some cases, but not in mine.
in a way, letting it all out yesterday was a weight off of my shoulders. I have a long way to go to fully let go and heal from all of this. I did a lot of stupid things yesterday...that e-mail was one of them. my friend was right, I made him look like a hero, like he has this crazy lunatic of a wife, what else could he do but go elsewhere? she is so angry at me for that e-mail. say it, don't write it, always. she is right. but too late to change it now. and oh how good it felt to type.
amazingly, I'm eating. shocks me, because part of me is ready to succumb to the infidelity flu again. but the other part of me feels like the letting go makes it somehow easier. I don't have an apetite, but I can eat. big difference from last spring when I had to literally force half a grilled cheese down each day, and it would take me an hour to do it.
he's due to call soon, if he is brave enough to. I'm just going to be me. but I need to pull back from the friendly banter. don't care if he thinks thats normal or not. going back to my crucial conversations today, too. will read some, but will also re-process what I've already read, and try to get back on that bandwagon. its a healthy thing for me. my friend is right, too, the more emotional I get, the more sane he gets, and vice versa...on saturday, when I was in control and really doing well, he was the one who got emotional. maybe someday we'll both be more even keeled at the same time, instead of one or the other. who knows. I just know its time to move on for me.
tonight h is coming, I plan to head out. think I'll wander over to the disney store and get a half price princess costume for d3 for christmas...she adores dress up. time to think of the kids, and to think of me, and to forget the rest.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
