Have a better tomorrow Morgan. Your sitch is giving me a major flashbak to when my mom finally had it out with my Dad. I almost forgot I walked in on that day. She had a box with all this evidence and she was crying and yelling in a weird lucid way as though she held it in for years and almost memorized the speech and it poured out. Like a purge. It just has to get out once and for all. I think we both had those epiphanies this week, you and I. Guess what? It won't be the last one either. Maybe the last major one but you will need to gather more strength and DBing may still come in handy. Use all your resources. Detach as LWB mentioned. You have been so kindhearted to your H throughout this process, it is time for you now! Take care of yourself first. I know that seems hard when you have been a wife and a Mom first but you need to be selfish now more than ever. remember your core Morgan. You are all grace and kindness. Your story has done so much for others. Cry it out like you did in the beginning and look ahead to something brighter. I saw a lovely scen in Gilmore Girls where Lorelei got a panic stricken look on her face realizing she may never get married to Luke. As if there really are no guarantees even if she was wearing an engangement ring but she took it one step at a time and hope for the best. That is all we can do. Your life is better than theirs. You win in the game of life.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
I had a really hard time going to sleep last night. think the after effects of the rage. I talked to my friend for a long time, not to mention 4 other friends/my sister, and they (as well as posting here and reading all your responses) all helped in different ways. I fell asleep around 1 this morning, but was up by 3 or so for a bit...until around 5, then was up a little after 6 because my eldest had a nightmare. so not a lot of sleep, but had a nice time with S5 this morning snuggling in my bed. my kids never come in my bed, it was kind of a special time just cuddling and talking this morning. then we decided to go ahead and get up and surprise the twins with mickey waffles for breakfast.
I know as far as marriage saving, I did everything wrong yesterday. but I don't regret it even now, because I think my marriage is truly beyond saving. its nice to have the lies out in the open. its nice to let go of the stupid things that kept me hanging on. so much did...the sex, of course, but also him going thru my phone, or getting mad because i put his coffee pot away in a cabinet. and to a large extent, this board. it did. it gave me hope. I spent the last several months believing stuff I did would make a difference. and it does in some cases, but not in mine.
in a way, letting it all out yesterday was a weight off of my shoulders. I have a long way to go to fully let go and heal from all of this. I did a lot of stupid things yesterday...that e-mail was one of them. my friend was right, I made him look like a hero, like he has this crazy lunatic of a wife, what else could he do but go elsewhere? she is so angry at me for that e-mail. say it, don't write it, always. she is right. but too late to change it now. and oh how good it felt to type.
amazingly, I'm eating. shocks me, because part of me is ready to succumb to the infidelity flu again. but the other part of me feels like the letting go makes it somehow easier. I don't have an apetite, but I can eat. big difference from last spring when I had to literally force half a grilled cheese down each day, and it would take me an hour to do it.
he's due to call soon, if he is brave enough to. I'm just going to be me. but I need to pull back from the friendly banter. don't care if he thinks thats normal or not. going back to my crucial conversations today, too. will read some, but will also re-process what I've already read, and try to get back on that bandwagon. its a healthy thing for me. my friend is right, too, the more emotional I get, the more sane he gets, and vice versa...on saturday, when I was in control and really doing well, he was the one who got emotional. maybe someday we'll both be more even keeled at the same time, instead of one or the other. who knows. I just know its time to move on for me.
tonight h is coming, I plan to head out. think I'll wander over to the disney store and get a half price princess costume for d3 for christmas...she adores dress up. time to think of the kids, and to think of me, and to forget the rest.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
well, he just called to say goodmorning to the kids. he was civil, but distant. not angry, just distant. guess that's what its going to be for a while for both of us, until (if) I am ever ready for us to be friends.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
yep, saffie. I finally realize that's all I can do. before, I just kept thinking someday the fog would wear off, things would fizzle with he and ow. I just couldn't believe what we had could just be over. a year ago I was one of the happiest people you'd ever meet...secure in her marriage, in love with her husband and with the knowledge her h was in love with her and her marriage was forever.
amazing what a difference a year brings.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
the more emotional I get, the more sane he gets, and vice versa...on saturday, when I was in control and really doing well, he was the one who got emotional. maybe someday we'll both be more even keeled at the same time, instead of one or the other. who knows. I just know its time to move on for me.
Oooh ooh....Casey puts her hand up.
btdt soooo bad.
big hugs Morgs....let's go out and get life shall we?
donna, I have only been on it since the middle of march...he has been on it longer, but I was clueless. sigh. ahhh well, live and learn.
just got an e-mail from him about rolling the pension money and asking what I thought would be best for it. guess he's figured out I am not going to budge on it. maybe that's wrong, I don't know, but my dad drilled it into my head a long time ago that you don't touch retirement money. one of his options was to put it into 529s for the kids, but I won't do that...I want it for retirement.
am I being too stubborn? funny how some things get so drilled into your head...like mom's insistance on good shoes, and they have to be of natural material (like leather).
Last edited by morgan; 10/30/0701:22 PM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
