Time for healing without closing the door

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Thanks Roezee.

I just feel like I've shut the door on him.

Oh yeah...and this evening when I picked up d the first thing she says is "I went to daddy's place!"

I didn't mind, in fact I'm pleased that he has shown her where he lives - it should (hopefully) make things easier next time she is supposed to go stay with him. So I made pleased sounding comments. Then she says "daddy said not to tell you where he lives"

*breathe deeply* My immediate thought was because he isn't living on his own at all and has already moved in with 'new girlie'. Unhelpful and almost certainly untrue thoughts.

"and why not darling?" trying to be calm. ...It took a little bit of maneuvering to get hopefully the right thing out of a 6 year old. Anyways, it seeeeems (keep in mind this is filtered through a six year old - though I would have appreciated it if he could have told me he didn't want me to know where he lives himself) that he doesn't want me to know where he lives so I can't come to his place and argue with him and then get upset and cry. I can sorta understand that but I'm a bit miffed that he is getting d to keep secrets. I mean I know what suburb he is in and that he is near the train station and if I really was feeling psycho I could drive around the area till I found his ute and then I'd know! Then again, if he's got a lock up garage, I probably wouldn't be able to find it...yes I know I know...stalkerish behaviour...not cool...but tempted after two glasses of wine.

I told d that I know what suburb he is in and she seemed a bit like "oh..ok". I then explained I knew roughly where he lives but not the actual street and that I won't go to his place unless he invites me. I wonder if he intended all along to not tell me his address? He has been in the new place two weeks(?) maybe three weeks now.

I need to learn how to cope on my own. He is not my father. I can do this on my own. I just hope d doesn't suffer any fallout.

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OR you could have texted him to say "need to call you to talk about arrangements for d, let me know when is a good time. also, in case your not sure arrangement today is for you to pick her up per previous discussis. let me know if that's changed."

then made sure u wrote down all the arrangements like in the email so when he calls you have it all ready and try to stick to it. and not talk about any emotional stuff.

if he trys to talk about emotional stuff say we need to have a face to face chat. if he continues to talk about it say you'd prefer not to talk on the phone about it and that you also need to have a chat about more permanent arrangements for d and you can talk about it then. and that you prefer face to face as you don't want to be hung up on again.

roe

aargghh bugger....why didn't I post here earlier!!! thanks roezee, that would have been better and less typical of me.

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Maybe this makes sense.
Just little inane conversation, small talk, giggles about silly things.

When i read "inane conversation, giggles etc" that sounds like flirting to me (or at least very close, where wires can get crossed) so I'd be cautious about doing that anyway, if it ever becomes possible again. I'd like to know what other members think about that?

roe.

By inane conversation and giggles I'm thinking of the sort of conversations you have with friends that are on the same page as you and you can relax and not worry too much about looking like a fool. I didn't mean flirty, though I can see why you might have read it that way.

[saffie]

I think your H is being very childish about keeping where he lives a secret. You are trying to set boundaries and he gets upset. Why can't he see that boundaries would give him 'protection' as well? He needs to grow up.

saffie

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Ya see...I don't get my h. He doesn't seem to be like the typical MLCer because he wants to be in my life, he wants us to be best friends, he wants to have another baby with me.

Yet...

He wants to go out and do things on his own, by himself and for himself, to prove to himself that he can do it on his own and he doesn't need me mothering him for him to do it.

So now that I am 'trying' (not terribly successfully) to etch out some space of my own he goes mega cold and lecturing on me.

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Saffie...

Do you think I should call him out on the 'where he lives secret'?

Should I just ignore this?

I feel like I'm dobbing d in if I bring it up. And I'm not sure what I would be trying to achieve by attacking him about it.

Whatcha think O Pommie one?

[saffie]

I don't think iit is worth calling him out on but it is an example of his childishness. He just doesn't seem to understand respect and boundaries and what is appropriate and what isn't. Telling you about other women - I just don't get it.

At the moment I would personally keep contact down to a minimum. I just think he is stupid because if something awful ever happened to him and your D at his place you wouldn't know where to go to help.

The spouses can be such dumb a$$e$.

I love your explanations of your comments for our US buddies I have been getting them all along!!!!! Nice to see you didn't put 'whinging' in front of the pommie bit. LOL I have uncles and cousins around Perth and my H's brother and family emmigrated to Sydney a couple of years ago. They love it out there!!!

saffie

[Miss_BB]

I think it is a bit over the top to be keeping where he lives a secret. i think it's safe to agree with saffie and say that he's being immature. but not sure if it's worth bringing it up with him.

you could say that it may be necessary to know where he lives in case there is an emergency (mobiles get lost or flat and not possible to reach him or vice versa). and that d shouldn't be asked to keep secrets. but i don't think this is a conversation for now. maybe in a month or two when hopefully you care less about it, but just bring it up mainly so he knows that you know that he's asking d to keep secrets and that it's not appropriate.

but will that help that he knows you know about keeping secrets? will he change his behaviour? i guess that's what you need to answer before bothering to bring this up.

roe.

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So peeps, what sort of interactions should I use with h and not have the relationship deteriorate further?

I truly don't want to alienate him permanently - I just want some space for now so I can reintroduce myself to him later on when I am better at boundaries instead of crumbling at the first volley.

[cliffy]

I think that your H is being immature as stated earlier, but whose isn't at this site. I don't think that the convo about his house or d being told to keep a secret is appropriate right now, let things slide for a bit on this. I am sure he will come around, for benefit of d.
He clearly wants you in his life as a friend with benefits, we have seen this. You have set your boundary that this is not acceptable. Another baby with you? WTF!
For the time being I think you need to do some trial an error stuff. Try to keep things business like, you have told him what you need right now, afterall you are trying to sort out whether you even want to be with this man. Be friendly, but have an idea of what you need to talk about when you call, don't take all of his calls. Call him back when you have some composure, etc. See where this takes you. He may be mad for a bit, but he may also realize the you are not playing games, etc and accept your boundaries.