I've just been reading over on the iVillage "Mismatched Libidos" board, where somebody used the word "bonded" in context of sex making (or not making) one feel bonded to their partner ... for some reason that word struck a chord. I can't believe I've been married for 17+ years and just within the last year or so have finally realized how much that is true for me with regard to sex or just physical touch generally. Actually, I don't know that it was so much a matter of *realizing* it as *accepting* it as my truth, and valid. Partly because it so *wasn't* inherently true for my husband, and I was reluctant to rock that boat. Partly because it did, on some level, seem shallow .... as in, "You mean to tell me you are married to a wonderful, intelligent, kind, creative, funny, handsome man who takes great care of you and that you have a wonderful life with and who tells you he loves you constantly ... but because you aren't getting touched enough or in a certain way, you don't FEEL (viscerally, as opposed to intellectually) loved???" Put like that, it does seem rather ... overly demanding, one might even say "high maintenance". Finally, I can say, "too damn bad ....." It's just the way I'm wired up.
I mean, I have been "getting" that more and more ... but I had a dream the other night that just sort of drove it home. Something about riding to do some kind of construction job and sitting in the back of the van with this young (compared to me; early 20s maybe) kid who was a perfect stranger but seemed quite enamored of me; my hands were cold and he was stroking them, blowing on them and running them down his chest, all the while aiming verbal flirtations at me with very naughty eyes and smile .... and my emotional reaction was to be absolutely suffused with this perfect sense of well-being and nurturance, bliss and joy. Which is ridiculous, as I concluded when I woke up. I didn't know this figment from Adam, he might have been an axe murderer for all I knew .... he certainly didn't "love" me. And yet that's exactly how I *felt*. Truly *loved*. Not that I'm drawing conclusions about my base emotional makeup on a dream, but there can be a clarity to dreams just because nothing *is* real ... anyhow, it just brought it all into focus for me.
I guess that's probably all just a verbose way of saying "my Love Language is physical touch" .... duh .... but I'm increasingly awed by the profound power of it to make me feel *bonded* to my mate like nothing else, all logic notwithstanding.
If only there was some simple way to communicate that to people who feel more closely bonded through other means and/or don't experience that bonding themselves at all through sex/touch....
Hmmmmmm. Just thought of this. It doesn't seem to be, strictly speaking, "Physical Touch" that produces this effect. It's "Sensual Touch". A quick hug, peck on the lips, anything you would do with family or friends ... no such result. I mean, I love all that stuff and it does make me feel close to my family and friends, but that "bonding" component is absent. It has to be something that (a) feels voluntary and positive/desired on the part of my partner which is an important aspect of, (b) it must be a touch which registers in my brain as some form of caress. (I have to admit, those wires can get crossed up on occasion; I've had a few internally embarrassing emotional responses to massage therapists, male and female, but that's beside the point, I think.)
Any of you touch junkies out there find the same, that it must be sensual touch to potentiate that special intimacy? Or am I high maintenance, after all?
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
I'm sure you've tried a thousand times talking to him about it, but my only other thought was to start "doing" to him what you would like him to be "doing" to you and maybe he'll figure it out? Or he'll realize he likes it too and start wanting to be intimate in that way w/ you? Or have you already tried that too?
And, just my 2 cents' worth, I think we're all "high maintenance" in our own way; just depends on how we act or react to "get our way."
Last edited by RedHeadWife; 10/30/0710:15 AM.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I guess it's no surprise that you hooked someone like ME with that one Good one, Good one ! Score reads Kettricken 1 IC 0
Partly because it did, on some level, seem shallow .... as in, "You mean to tell me you are married to a wonderful, intelligent, kind, creative, funny, handsome man who takes great care of you and that you have a wonderful life with and who tells you he loves you constantly ... but because you aren't getting touched enough or in a certain way, you don't FEEL (viscerally, as opposed to intellectually) loved???" Put like that, it does seem rather ... overly demanding, one might even say "high maintenance". Finally, I can say, "too damn bad ....." It's just the way I'm wired up.
BTDT...It's hard for people that are not wired that way to "get it" If people were to look at Miss IC and myself they would probably be saying the same things..."but she's this and she does that" Yes, those things are nice but they don't make someone wired like us FEEL loved. And it goes both ways...I was doing what I thought Miss IC wanted...wrong!
Hmmmmmm. Just thought of this. It doesn't seem to be, strictly speaking, "Physical Touch" that produces this effect. It's "Sensual Touch". A quick hug, peck on the lips, anything you would do with family or friends ... no such result. I mean, I love all that stuff and it does make me feel close to my family and friends, but that "bonding" component is absent.
Ding..ding..ding !! No, these DON'T do it !! This was Miss IC's complaint.."I do hug you, I do kiss you" No, I got the quick hugs, the little kisses those just don't cut it.
(I have to admit, those wires can get crossed up on occasion; I've had a few internally embarrassing emotional responses to massage therapists, male and female, but that's beside the point, I think.)
Do tell
Any of you touch junkies out there find the same, that it must be sensual touch to potentiate that special intimacy? Or am I high maintenance, after all?
I personally don't see this as being high maintenance, just as I don't see someone that has a different love language as being high maintenance. That's just how we are
OK, my quiet time is about to end...girls are awaking.
Sounds like you've taken a step towards knowing and accepting yourself better. WTG!
I have been on both extremes of the touch issue...needing to be held and touched, and needing to be left alone. Which is the real me? I do not know, but I think wanting touch is healthier. The sensual element is something special between a husband and wife, and that to me is healthy, too.
... Put like that, it does seem rather ... overly demanding, one might even say "high maintenance". Finally, I can say, "too damn bad ....." It's just the way I'm wired up.
I recently came upon a different slant on this - it isn't HIGH maintenance, it is more constant maintenance, which a good marriage requires to keep running smoothly, just like your car or anything else you rely on to run smoothly in your life.....
“Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about getting out there and dancing in the rain."
... Put like that, it does seem rather ... overly demanding, one might even say "high maintenance". Finally, I can say, "too damn bad ....." It's just the way I'm wired up.
I recently came upon a different slant on this - it isn't HIGH maintenance, it is more constant maintenance, which a good marriage requires to keep running smoothly, just like your car or anything else you rely on to run smoothly in your life.....
“Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about getting out there and dancing in the rain."
Good one, Good one ! Score reads Kettricken 1 IC 0