Bondage

[Kettricken]

... made ya look ....

I've just been reading over on the iVillage "Mismatched Libidos" board, where somebody used the word "bonded" in context of sex making (or not making) one feel bonded to their partner ... for some reason that word struck a chord. I can't believe I've been married for 17+ years and just within the last year or so have finally realized how much that is true for me with regard to sex or just physical touch generally. Actually, I don't know that it was so much a matter of *realizing* it as *accepting* it as my truth, and valid. Partly because it so *wasn't* inherently true for my husband, and I was reluctant to rock that boat. Partly because it did, on some level, seem shallow .... as in, "You mean to tell me you are married to a wonderful, intelligent, kind, creative, funny, handsome man who takes great care of you and that you have a wonderful life with and who tells you he loves you constantly ... but because you aren't getting touched enough or in a certain way, you don't FEEL (viscerally, as opposed to intellectually) loved???" Put like that, it does seem rather ... overly demanding, one might even say "high maintenance". Finally, I can say, "too damn bad ....." It's just the way I'm wired up.

I mean, I have been "getting" that more and more ... but I had a dream the other night that just sort of drove it home. Something about riding to do some kind of construction job and sitting in the back of the van with this young (compared to me; early 20s maybe) kid who was a perfect stranger but seemed quite enamored of me; my hands were cold and he was stroking them, blowing on them and running them down his chest, all the while aiming verbal flirtations at me with very naughty eyes and smile .... and my emotional reaction was to be absolutely suffused with this perfect sense of well-being and nurturance, bliss and joy. Which is ridiculous, as I concluded when I woke up. I didn't know this figment from Adam, he might have been an axe murderer for all I knew .... he certainly didn't "love" me. And yet that's exactly how I *felt*. Truly *loved*. Not that I'm drawing conclusions about my base emotional makeup on a dream, but there can be a clarity to dreams just because nothing *is* real ... anyhow, it just brought it all into focus for me.

I guess that's probably all just a verbose way of saying "my Love Language is physical touch" .... duh .... but I'm increasingly awed by the profound power of it to make me feel *bonded* to my mate like nothing else, all logic notwithstanding.

If only there was some simple way to communicate that to people who feel more closely bonded through other means and/or don't experience that bonding themselves at all through sex/touch....

Hmmmmmm. Just thought of this. It doesn't seem to be, strictly speaking, "Physical Touch" that produces this effect. It's "Sensual Touch". A quick hug, peck on the lips, anything you would do with family or friends ... no such result. I mean, I love all that stuff and it does make me feel close to my family and friends, but that "bonding" component is absent. It has to be something that (a) feels voluntary and positive/desired on the part of my partner which is an important aspect of, (b) it must be a touch which registers in my brain as some form of caress. (I have to admit, those wires can get crossed up on occasion; I've had a few internally embarrassing emotional responses to massage therapists, male and female, but that's beside the point, I think.)

Any of you touch junkies out there find the same, that it must be sensual touch to potentiate that special intimacy? Or am I high maintenance, after all?