Hardly faking it anymore: Puddle's third thread

[Puddle]

Hey ST, Heim, and everyone!

ST, I get what you're saying about being careful. Right now I'm asking myself what I really want, re this guy, re the M, re any future R, etc. I'm trying to get a handle on the vulnerability question. I guess I'd say the big difference between the sitch you described and me is I'm not feeling very married these days. I know you weren't at the time, either, but I feel like we're in the end game here.

And thanks for pointing out the possibility of the kids seeing me getting picked up/dropped off---it hadn't even occurred to me. (Duh. Hello?) And as it turned out, since H and 7-year-old were waiting out front for me, that would've been awkward. I was only thinking about dealing with questions from H.

Um, yeah, what ST said, this guy is interested in you.

I'm telling you: still unconvinced, except maybe in the general guy sense of being interested in having sex with someone, but I'm not getting a whole lot of that vibe, either. Hey, maybe that's his special guy superpower: attracting women by seeming uninterested. Seems like I've read about that somewhere.

(don't forget about me and CVA, sniff, sniff)

Are you kidding me? Never.

You sound great, but just be careful. I know you're somewhat disgusted with your H right now, but don't do something you'll regret (whatever that might be for you.

I'm struggling with something here. When I look at H right now I feel nothing positive, nada, no wanting, no hoping, and also no regret, no guilt, not even sadness. I'm trying to figure this out: This doesn't feel like loving detachment, but maybe indifference with a hint of disdain. What does that mean? Is this progress? Just a stage? Did I skip something?

This doesn't feel like DBing to me. I don't feel like I'm hoping for anything with H, other than he'll move out ASAP and I can be free of him. Last night I thought, wow, this may be one of the last nights we ever live together, but it was only the vaguest whisper of a sigh, nothing more. I even thought yesterday that I'd like to get the talk over so I can take this ring off (then thought, you know, I really like the ring, maybe I should just keep wearing it? I think I'm loony).

I guess what I'm going to do is just watch things develop, see what feelings come up when H actually moves out, then is gone, etc. If I were to continue feeling this way (this lack of feeling), maybe I am just one quick getter-over. Does this sound familiar to anyone?

And Heim, re doing something I might regret, right now the question for me of whether or not anything happens with this guy feels like it is 100% all about me: whether I like him enough, whether we're just too different to even consider something (this guy's idea of travel is hopping freight trains, and last night he told me about digging a snow cave ... I'm more a European coffeehouse/margarita on the beach kinda girl myself...), whether or not it would hinder something in my own personal growth.

What I mean is, I'm not even thinking about H in any of this, other than being sure I'm on solid legal ground. I think it'd be the nail in the coffin for any hope of reconciliation, and right now, I don't care.

Maybe that's exactly why I shouldn't do anything? Maybe I *do* have an inner pusher that's just wanting this to be done? Maybe the idea that H might change his mind is too overwhelming so I want to even avoid the possibility? I know feelings change. Heck, I'm muddled.

I danced a lot, if I can recall, with some chick in a devil costume. I ain't judging.)

I'd've paid good money to have seen that. Are you sure it was just dancing? maybe devil dancing?

He may be trying to get attention from BOTH of you.

Oh, this is a good point, thanks. I've just realized that while I'm chomping at the bit for H to leave, I'm going to have to free up my schedule pretty well for a while to be there for the kids, even on "my nights." I can imagine getting a lot of those late-night "come home NOW!" phone calls from him pretty soon.

Next time, YOU'RE driving, baby! You control this crazy ride, not anyone else.

An excellent reminder, thanks, though I'm not really feeling like a driver with a clear view right now (see above).

at least it's equally likely that he forgot to tell you as you forgetting.

I don't doubt he told me. I've been known to need to hear things a couple of times before I really hear them.

You handled it nicely, but, in my mind, were under no obligation to do so.

Thanks, Heim. It bothered me a bit that I had that same old familiar reaction---"Oh no, H is mad at me because I did something wrong"---but pleased that it was a very mild version. I think that reaction says more about me than it does about me and H.

If anyone can make any sense of this, please give it a shot. Can it be possible that I just don't care anymore? I'd never have imagined that 12 weeks ago.

Thanks, everyone. Take care.