Hardly faking it anymore: Puddle's third thread

[Puddle]

Hey Heim!

Gotta find that vintage shirt.

You better get on the stick. I casually mentioned going skiing next year, and she didn't say no.

Because, well, who in their right mind wouldn't want to go skiing with a bunch of people in the throes of serious R problems? But actually, I think we must be the hotties of the 30- and 40-something set; those with a little water under the bridge can appreciate the experience factor, I think (I hope).

I meant regarding the marriage, not just helping him through his issues.

Well, they're related, aren't they?

Sounds like you two have been missing each other (connection wise) for a while.

For a very, very long while, mostly, though we had our moments.

That said, doesn't matter cuz your hubby don't care.

About that, no.

Unshaven, bra-less women running

How unshaven?

Um, very unshaven? Is there a degree of unshaven that you're interested in???

I have this image of a bunch of really smart people sitting on comfy couches, taking drags on cigarrettes while saying in faux french accents, "I am so bored." and "Camus was a poseur." And "Foucalt. He's just fou."

Hey, you'd fit right in! Actually it's not nearly so high-brow, though there are a surprising number of high-level physical scientists and academics among us. There's a lot of "I'm plain bored. Someone say something witty and funny." And a weirdly high number of fire-artists and Burning Man types.

Oh, and about the walls comment earlier, my point -- I did have one -- what happens if your H does start reaching out to you?

Are you trying to scare me? Wow, Heim, I have no idea. I'd be shocked, first off, and very suspicious about his motives. I think I'd be very, very cautious, but my usual casual and friendly.

I don't think I'd freak out and go running toward him, if that's what you're asking.

If he actually came out and said he wanted to work on things, part of me would want to run. Fast. But to be honest, I haven't entertained the question much, since it seems so unlikely.

But if he were serious, I'd have to give it a shot. Otherwise I'd be doing the same thing I'm so disappointed in him for doing: giving up without giving it the effort we (and the kids) deserve.

Thanks, Heim. Take care.

[Heimlich]

I just ask about reaching out to you because it strikes me that he's groping towards something and he doesn't even know what "something" is. In doing so, he might do a 360 and end up right back with you. Not saying it's likely or probably, but just a random thought I had when reading your last few posts.

How hairy? Right now . . . even 2-day old stubble (the worst in my opinion) would be GREAT!

By Feb, I hope to be semi-hot. Well, at least warm and not room temperature.

Good weekend. Time for a quick run so that I can reach "warm" status.

BD

[S.T. _I Made It!]

I think on the hangout...that you should show an appearance on occassion just to catch up, and if people do know what's going on, they may just feel bad for you or think that you might not be doing well, and if that's true, you can definitely prove them wrong, and by not hanging out there all the time might show them you have a life.

I'm glad H is going to talk to his C again.

I'm not sure if he would take any kind of advice from you right now, but with his depression, it would really help him to get on a better diet. depression can be an imbalance in the body and nutrition plays such a big part in the way people feel, both mentally and physically.

[Puddle]

Hey Heim,

I just ask about reaching out to you because it strikes me that he's groping towards something and he doesn't even know what "something" is. In doing so, he might do a 360 and end up right back with you.

Wow, that's something I haven't been considering. He is clearly moving toward something, and I agree that he's not even sure what that is. I think he'll have to get there, though, to figure out if it's what he really wants. We'll see where we get. I think the door's still open, but the work it would all take can be overwhelming even to consider.

He told me that a friend told him last night, look, you're going to be miserable for a while, so embrace it, go through it, and deal. The same friend told me later that he told H not to "burn his bridges." Ha.

And Heim, very hairy.

Hope your run upped your temperature.

Hey ST!

I know what you mean about diet. H is hardly eating right now, and he's never been able to regulate his diet on his own much. He hasn't been eating with us for a long time, just grabs something out of the fridge that doesn't require any prep (like ham slices or something). I don't know what he's eating otherwise. Again, though, that's something he'll have to figure out.

I went to the hangout last night, which made me feel a bit anxious. I saw a lot of people I know, all of whom were kind and seemed happy to see me. COW's psycho ex gave me his phone number, told me if I ever wanted to talk about anything (yeah, right) to call him, that this had all hurt him, too, that he'd sent apologies to me through H (never delivered), etc. One friend told me she'd been waking up worrying about me, felt she had somehow contributed to my sitch (she's a mother-hen type), so I was glad to talk to her and reassure her that I'm fine.

In general, it was absolutely fine. I had a friend meet me for some moral support; she arrived about a half hour after I did and left an hour before, but it was really nice to have her there. One of H's friends from work showed up; I missed the moment to say hi if I was going to and that was a bit awkward.

And the truth is, after I got over the weirdness factor and had talked to everyone, it was the same-old, same-old---a little dull. I'm so glad to have gone back, but I don't plan to spend much time there.

Some people were talking about COW last night and her insecurities regarding her hair (!). Then last night I dreamed I finally found out what H had spent that $650 on that he mentioned in week 1 or 2 (when he said it felt strange to spend so much money "outside the family")---her hair appointments. In my dream I freaked out, said angrily, "I need to talk to you" in front of a bunch of people, dragged him outside, and started yelling at him: cursing, calling him names, telling him that was the last money he'd ever spend on her, etc. It felt really awful in the dream---I was completely out of control and everyone felt sorry for me.

I woke up feeling pretty bad; isn't it funny how that happens? I guess there's still some anger there (ya think?)

H just asked me how my night was, then asked me where I went. I have the strong impression he already knew, since he never asks me otherwise. I told him, and that it was fine. Don't like that he knew, though. He told me he's working on his PMA, and he sounds a lot better. The old yin and yang, but I'm determined to stay up this time!

Take care, everyone.

[SunnySeason]

Howdy Puddle,

I hope you're enjoying the weekend so far. Your thread moves along so quickly that I figured I better get current before I've missed a couple pages of posts.

But if he were serious, I'd have to give it a shot. Otherwise I'd be doing the same thing I'm so disappointed in him for doing: giving up without giving it the effort we (and the kids) deserve.

This is probably the mindset of many/most of the LBS's here, I know it's mine.

He told me that a friend told him last night, look, you're going to be miserable for a while, so embrace it, go through it, and deal. The same friend told me later that he told H not to "burn his bridges." Ha

.

Yeah, it prolly really helps with your H's confusion having pal's like that to offer what looks like conflicting advice.

I woke up feeling pretty bad; isn't it funny how that happens? I guess there's still some anger there (ya think?)

It's difficult to not feel bad in a sitch where it appears that with some/a lot of effort it might be turned around.
Could also have to do with your dream-don't ya just love the ones where you're out of control & can't stop it?

Let us know how the kickball went.


L&L,

Sunny

[Puddle]

Hey Sunny!

Happy ash-free Sunday to you.

Yeah, it prolly really helps with your H's confusion having pal's like that to offer what looks like conflicting advice.

I hadn't thought of that. The friend told me in confidence (and H told me later he told him the same thing, again in confidence ) that during his 20-year R, they've been separated twice, and have made it through. He's a sweet guy, but not the rock to lean on, that's for sure.

Could also have to do with your dream-don't ya just love the ones where you're out of control & can't stop it?

Oh, it was all about the dream. I hope it's my subconscious working through the anger instead of it trying to tell me I need to deal with it while I'm awake. Wouldn't it be great to do all the working through stuff while you're asleep? Probably not very restful, though.

Let us know how the kickball went.

Kickball has apparently morphed into barbeque and frisbee, not that I care. I'm really looking forward to it, I tell you.

H is irritated with me again. Apparently COW's psycho ex told H I'd said H hadn't passed along his apologies, and H swears up and down he did, at least twice. I said, "Wow, I have no memory of that. I'm sorry if that caused some awkwardness for you." He said, "It's not awkwardness, but it's a pet peeve of mine when the truth of my actions is questioned" or something equally stiff and awkward. Then he proceeded to ignore me.

This reminded me of an argument H and I had months ago. Whenever he'd be mad at me, I always assumed I had done something "wrong" and very much wanted to make it right. Back then my C said, "Can you tell yourself, 'Sometimes H is unfair'?" I thought, wow, is that possible? It's not all my fault? And I'm keeping that in mind now. I made a mistake, didn't remember something (apparently) the way it happened, and apologized.

I still feel a bit of that anxiety, though, wanting things to be right between us (about that misunderstanding) and I have to find a way to let it go. I'm in a place that's 100 times better than where I was a few months ago and slightly less good than, say, four days ago. It's the old up and down, I guess.

So I'm *really* looking forward to today. And if it turns out this will be a quick, couple-hour thing, I have a friend on call for this evening. This is all good stuff for me---reaching out and lining things up to avoid being at a loss about what to do.

And this week I'm going to a volunteer meeting with an organization I adore, which is full of wonderful, centered people (mostly women). I've been wanting to hook up with that crowd, so I'm excited about that and proud of myself for reaching out.

Good things are happening, and I'm determined to focus on those. Right now I think the only thing I'll feel when H is gone is relief. In the meantime, I just have to figure out how to keep his mood/feelings for me from affecting me. Since it seems to be proving difficult right now, I think I'll start by focusing on not appearing affected.

Have a great day, Sunny and everyone. Take care.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

your C was right about telling yourself sometimes H is unfair. And I think what you said "Wow, I have no memory of that. I'm sorry if that caused some awkwardness for you" was that bad. You didn't actually specifically appologize for "not remembering" and that it was your fault. it's sounded more like you were sympathizing with him. And, you didn't accuse him or fight him on who was right either, which I think was a good thing, cause it really doesn't matter.

Very glad that you have things lined up for you to do, and the new group activity.

"I think I'll start by focusing on not appearing affected."
I think that's a great place to start.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

"was that bad" meant to say WASN'T woops

[Puddle]

Ha, thanks ST! Maybe I should've apologized more directly: "I'm sorry, I have no memory of that..." but it's done now.

Went out with the guy yesterday, a small get-together at his friend's place. It was lovely: low-key, mellow, I got to talk to a few interesting people. This is a pretty big thing for me, because I tend to be nervous around new people and prefer to stay in the corner and watch. It felt good to put myself out there a bit.

H called around 6.30, said he was having a really hard time with the kids and wondered if I might be home early enough for him to go out. I said, "Gosh, I'm sorry, but I'm not sure when I'll be home. Would you like to call a sitter?" He said, no, he'd deal, sorry to "bother" me.

I have to say I was flabbergasted. I can't imagine calling him like that (anymore, though before we used to call for help if we needed it before things got too bad). Maybe I should've gone home, for the kids' sake, but I didn't.

Then around 9.30, my 7-year-old called asking me to come home. I asked if papa was awake (yes), why he wasn't in bed (not tired), told him to go to papa ("No!"). I got home about half an hour later, found him up waiting for me, papa had lost his temper and thrown his (H's) jacket. I went to bed with child; H went out.

Before he left he told me 7-year-old had done some crazy stuff: thrown this "fake snow" plastic stuff all over the front yard, lit some papers on fire on the stove and carried them to the sink, and who knows what else.

I used to think this kind of stuff happens with H because he's on the computer all the time---I don't spend every minute of the day right next to the kids watching them, but they don't often do this kind of thing with me. Now I'm beginning to wonder if the oldest is trying to get his attention or is feeling angry with H.

I had a good time yesterday, felt more relaxed with the guy, more myself, was sillier, laughed and joked more. It was really nice. We talked a bit about what's going on in my sitch, but only at the very end. It was lovely to just forget about that stuff for a few hours and have fun. He said many nice things about how I seem to be dealing (he's in grad school to do social work/therapy, so that was kinda funny). He invited me to go hiking/mushroom hunting soon.

One funny note: I drove to his house so I could leave H's car there (instead of leaving it at home, opening myself up to questions about being picked up and dropped off; bad idea?), and by his front door is a sign that reads "Clothing Optional Beyond This Point." Cracked me up (and I thought of CVA!). Exercised my option to remain clothed.

Lastly, I want to share a dream I had last night and how I interpret it. It might be kinda cheesey, but what the heck.

I dreamed that this guy and I were in a car (him up front, me in back) with the president, the first lady, and some secret service guys. The first lady in my dream is a woman I know from the hangout---about my age, kids the same ages, loud, and newly and extremely bitterly divorced. I've always been uncomfortable around her, even before the bomb, as she represents something I never, ever want to be.

Anyway, everyone in the car gets down, except the first lady, who panics, gets out, and is killed immediately. I was down on the floor but felt strangely calm, and reached into the front seat to touch the guy (who was intent on what was going on, if I remember correctly).

Anyway, I see this as pretty good for me. I see the first lady as being so afraid she runs right into her demise, and me staying calm and actually reaching out to touch someone (first, instead of just responding). I don't think the guy in the dream is necessarily the guy in real life; I think rather that he might represent a kind of future R, or the possibility of one.

Edited to add: H, the kids, COW, and another mutual friend of ours from the hangout played together yesterday; the kids were very excited to tell me all about her dog, which they love.

Anyway, that's pretty much what's up here. Any thoughts?

Take care, everyone.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

sorry if I was confusing, but I think your "apology" was just fine. I don't think you needed to specifically say sorry. because it was quite possible he never said it.

anyways, about your dream. I'm glad your not feeling that the guy in the dream is the guy for real.

I really really sense that this guy is hoping to get involved with you emotional/physically. Is it a good idea to be together alone? I did the exact same thing as you, and it turned into a PA. This was before I was M, but I was with my H then. I really felt like we weren't together (long story, so I'll keep it brief), and there were many reasons, one was we lived in different states which made it easier for it to happen. I just really see you on that same path that I was, everything that you are saying, I was there. I really regret what happened and I CANNOT believe that I had done that and fallen in that trap. That was absolutely NOT me.

IMHO, I think you should not go home when H calls and has a problem.. unless you think the kids are in danger. That isn't right for your H to expect you to come "save" everything and then he gets to just leave. So I'm glad you didn't leave right away, but I don't think you needed to come home as early as you did if you were having a good time. If the kids are up late one night, they will survive, and you'll get them back on schedule the next night.

I could totally see your s7 wanting attention. That IS scary with him playing with fire though. So, hopefully H isn't neglecting them, because it could have been worse.

on not getting picked up. that is best. your kids could see that too, and I don't think they need to. As well as your H not needing to know where or who you are going with/to.