There and Back #11

[SallyM]

I am fried. adreneline is still surging a bit, but is quieting some. the aftermath is coming.

in some ways it was really good to release the anger. I had never done that...I had released the hurt, the shock, all that, pre-db, but have been holding the anger at bay. so there is still a part of me that feels good in a small way. I'm tired of the lies. I'm tired of the unspoken crap. I'm tired of all of it.

my marriage is over anyway, why do I care?

guessing in the light of day, I'll either regret it and see things his way, or he will go ahead and file, even though he doesn't want the lawyer fees. or we'll stay married until I am ready to file. maybe that will be it in the end.

just so freaking sad and mad and hurt.

deleted the whore's vm at least, I never have to hear that again. patronizing bitch. "I would never want to be in your shoes, I know how painful it must be for you, and saying these things are simply your way of dealing with that pain." f her.

no idea what I'm going to do tonight. kids are sleeping now.

I want to throw up.

I went off pretty blindly raging at h, really battered him. asked him how he liked being a stepfather. he said he isn't one, I said well, he lives with ow 5 days a week, he said he doesn't have any interaction with her son, doesn't even toss a ball around with him. I asked what kind of an ass of a stepfather is he that he can't even toss a ball with a 6 year old. seriously. went low and asked if he liked ow's son better than his own, since he's so athletically talented (I used to hear pre-affair all about what ow's son could do that ours couldn't...gee, did hers teach himself to read at 3? celebrate your own son's strengths, ass). he started crying, I really hurt him with all of that (bad stepfather issues growing up). I finally told him I couldn't talk to him any more tonight, that I was not in a place that I could talk anymore. its all just anger and blind rage and nothing that really matters in the long run.

I hung up and ignored him when he tried to call back over and over.

I don't know if there is any advice anyone can give me. I don't think there is anything that can be done at this point.