Now what? Wait it out?

[Tara_9]

Had a weird weekend. First, Friday night I went to my friends' cottage a couple of hours away. As I was leaving, my partner texted to let me know she would be at my nephew's football game. I texted back to say I would be there as well, that it was nice of her to go because it would mean a lot to him, and that I was away. She of course asked where the dogs were, but I didn't text back until the next morning to say they were at my parents and would be there until Saturday afternoon. I never heard back, and when I picked up the dogs I found out she never went by to see them. She had alluded to being away with the OP at the cottage, so I then knew for sure she was away. Subday morning, she texted to say she would drop by to see the dogs at my parents' house on the way to hockey--I told her the message was from Saturday, and that the dogs were back with me. So, she texted to find out if she could come and pick up her stuff. I said I was leaving the house, but I was leaving a garbage bag full of her shoes, boots, and jackets on the front porch, but that the rest of the stuff would only be ready at the end of the week. I had spent almost 2 hours yesterday morning cleaning out the closet and vacuuming pet hair off her stuff I left her on the porch, so thought she'd be happy. Wrong. She had a fit. Started calling and calling...I finally called her back and asked if she'd called. She went off about how I was hanging on to her things and I say I'm not mad, but I'm being passive-aggressive by keeping her things, that she wants to come by and get them....same song and dance. I said that I haven't been mad, but she sure was making me angry right that second. I reiterated that she was not allowed in and she knew why. But she kept having a fit, saying that she had been freezing the week before and had to ask me to collect her jackets for her, and I said that I assumed she would have taken all the articles of clothing that she'd needed when she came and got her clothes weeks ago. She said it had been warm then, and I should have know she'd need them when it got cooler. Then she said she needed our old cordless phone for her shop, since she'd gone over her cell minutes by 130 minutes last month. Then don't call the OP so often!! She said she wanted all her slides/photo albums and was all panicked about them like I was going to throw them away. Before my nephew's game I stopped and got the slides and the phone--I was really upset that she was so angry. She showed up to the game--she even holds herself differently and her voice sounds different. Not in a good way. She looks really pale. Anyway, we joked a bit and watched the game. I tried to keep it not awkward. She did, however, spend much of her time texting (I assume) the OP. She also mentioned that they had also been away in the same area I had been at the cottage. My sister-in-law asked me if I wanted to go to coffee after and I said yes, but noticed that Jen looked like she wanted to come and I felt bad she felt left out, so I asked her to and she said yes. On the way to the car to get her stuff, she said she was going to ask me to go for coffee, but that Joanne beat her to it. When we got to the coffee shop she stayed in her car on the phone, and I was angry because I thought it was with the OP, but when she came in she made a point of saying it was her friend Sue. So we all sat for about 45 minutes and had a decent time. It turned out when she came to pick up her bag from the porch, she peeked through the mail slot and got the dogs all excited. I wondered why one of the dogs had brought his leash to the door. It got their hopes up. My sister-in-law was joking with my partner "why did you do that?" and my partner took it to mean "why did you leave home?" rather than "why did you get the dogs excited by looking through the mail slot. So my partner kind of jokingly said "that's my cue to leave". We looked puzzled and I realized what she thought, and I clarified, but was also surprised that my partner thought we'd joke about something like that, and that she'd treat like a laughing matter. Anyway, she said she had to go because Sue was calling her back any minute. I texted her to say my sister-in-law felt bad and that she wouldn't joke about that, and that it was good to see her, but it was back to business as usual and saying to let her know when she could pick up her stuff this week. Why was she going to ask me for coffee? Why did she show at my nephew's game and then text the OP the entire time. Then today I get an e-card notification on the old joint account--guess the block sender thing doesn't work, and couldn't help but look. My partner sent the OP an e-card saying that she couldn't work today--"I hate Mondays, especially ones that come after a great weekend--thanks for Saturday. XOXO"
Arrrgggghhh. I guess I read too much into everything.

[Tara_9]

Ok. This may sound silly, but I'm very anxious. I haven't heard a word from her since Monday. She sent an e-mail that didn't require a response, so I didn't answer it. This is the longest I think I've gone without hearing from her, and I'm scared she may be letting go entirely. She is totally infatuated with the OP and could not seem to care less about me. And now no contact whatsoeve. Do I continue to not contact her? I did see her on Sunday (see above post), but she seemed to do an about-face come Monday. She is getting all her stuff that is still here on the weekend, and then I'm afraid I'll never hear from her again. How will she know I haven't given up on her and still hope/want her to do the work she needs to do and maybe see that she could give us another try? I'm still going to therapy, and trying to GAL. I'm taking classes, doing physical activity. I just really miss her and our life and can't believe she gave up something real for something so superficial and adolescent. She is really over the top about the OP, and the OP was still maintaining as recently as a week ago that my partner was way more into it than the OP. Should I be concerned about the lack of contact since Monday?

[Tara_9]

??

[RedHeadWife]

Well, I think you should continue to just go about your business and try to get a life w/o her, honestly. I think you should go ahead & just allow her to make the contact. If she's all about this OP, the A is going to have to run it's course, as much as that sucks. When she does come get her stuff this weekend, just look really good and be really upbeat so she'll wonder what you're so happy about. You can't worry that she's completely done yet or that anything you say or do will push her to that b/c it's either going to happen or not.

This is the most important thing I'm going to say to you though right here: You need to work on YOU so that you are happy w/ you and your life with or w/o her.

[LL44]

Hi.

There isn't much you can do. If you contacted her, she will see it as pursuing, even if you have a good 'reason' to call. Its horrible but there is nothing we can do, until we are totally done with it. When we have had enough, then we make decisions. I don't think you are ready for that, a lot of us (me!) aren't.

HUGS! It hurts like heck.

[Tara_9]

Hi there,
I took your suggestions and did not contact her. She however, has contacted me a few times commenting on things I wrote on my Facebook page--saying that she laughed her a$$ off at one thing involving me and the dogs and the dogs locking me out of the house. She also told me to keep her furniture until I didn't need it anymore--she just wants pictures. She is still with the OP, so I guess I shouldn't read too much into things. It's just everything that isn't an angry interaction is a sign of hope to me. Am I reding too much into it? I took a giant step back this week, and she seems to have softened. My friends think she is just being nice until she gets her stuff and then will stop talking to me, but now she's asked me to keep a bunch of her stuff....

[lovelyolive]

I don't know if it's a huge sign but she has certainly changed her behavior since you have backed off. Is she softening to you? It certainly seems like it. What does it mean? Who knows..

Remember to look for the positives (no matter how small) and keep doing the things that seems to have brought about those changes - i.e - showing her you are gal and having fun (and still have a sense of humor!); stopping all pursuing behavior, etc.

[Tara_9]

I brought her the pictures she wanted plus a lot of other things last night. We didn't fight, but it felt really awkward. Is that bad? I tried to be upbeat but I came off as more aloof. I think. Neither of us could look the other in the eye and we both weren't our usual "fun" selves. I'm glad we didn't fight, but all I could think when I left was her saying to herself "I'm so glad I'm with the OP--things aren't strained at all there." She wanted me to stay for a drink, but I told her I couldn't because I had to meet my triathlon group. She seemed a bit disappointed. I asked her if that was a new sweatshirt she was wearing, and she said it was "borrowed", meaning it is the OP's. I told her about the dog's ear infection, and she asked if I was having trouble putting his drops in, and I said of course--it's a two-person job (he weighs well over 100 pounds). She said she would come over several times a day to help me and that she'd help me walk them, but I won't let her in the house. True--I told her as long as she's sleeping with the OP I don't want her in the house. Am I being unreasonable? Should I let her in the house to help me with the dogs and to help me take them on walks? The dogs would like it, but wouldn't she be getting the best of both worlds? Playing house and happy family with me and having a torrid love affair with the OP? I need advice on this point. We talked for about half an hour about all kinds of things, mostly her work and how she was getting discouraged and thinking of declaring bankruptcy. I told her to stay positive and get out there and drum up business (because I know she's just been staying home and playing on the computer all day). I ran into one of her cousins the other day who told me that she wrote saying she was with "someone new" and that it was going "really well". But everyone who sees her says how miserable she looks (it's true, it's written all over her face). The funny thing is, the things she cited for leaving me (that she wasn't funny anymore, that she had lost her personality and independence)...no one noticed any change in her back then--it was all inside her. But now, people are saying that's exactly what she's become since having left--they say she has no sense of humour, that she's a shell of her former self, that she's become one-dimensional, and that her life revolves around the (busy) OP's schedule and when she can see the OP next. All the things she said that happened with me but didn't, are happening now. Yet she can't see that. I guess my other question is, should I point that out to her? As I was leaving she said she had just finished reading a good book, did I want it? I said sure, so she gave it to me... My first "present" from her in months... I guess I shouldn't read too much into that either...right?

[Tara_9]

I found a dog running in and out of traffic yesterday and managed to get him. We both got dinged by a city bus when he dashed into the road with me behind him, but we are just bruised. After I wrestled him into the car, I called my WAS. She is literally the only other person I know who would understand. SHe dropped everything to come to the vet. We named the dog and she said she would take him until his owner could be found. She referred to "us" and "our house" while we were at the vet. I checked in periodically to see how he was doing, and last night she was on her way to the OP's with the dog. I didn't get hit by a bus so she could play house with the OP and a new dog. ANyway, at 7:30 this morning I got a text saying that she didn't sleep a wink because the dog wouldn't settle. The OP was clearly not impressed because she said she had to walk the dog from 4:30 until 6:00AM, presumably so the hothouse orchid OP could sleep. If she was here we would have walked the dog together. I guess being gleeful for inadvertantly putting a kink in their romantic evening is childish, but maybe she saw another side of the OP...who knows? She would never tell me... She wants to come and see our dogs this evening at my parents (they'll be dressed up for halloween) but thinks she may be sleeping by then... I keep reading into things. How will I know what is a sign that DB always talks about or if it's just nothing?

[Tara_9]

See above...
Ok...from hopeful to crushed to I don't know...

We spoke several times today and I have to say it felt like normal. We were a team (the "hopeful" part) working together to find a place for the dog. We found a foster home for him, and she brought him to the vet for his shots, as arranged by the foster parent. I had to go to my parents' so I couldn't go. She was supposed to come and see the dogs at my parents' but she opted to head over to to the OP's for the night instead--handily, the vet was halfway to the OP's place, so despite the fact that she was exhausted and complains about gas money, there she goes. She said this experience showed she wasn't ready to get another dog, and I said she already had two dogs, to which she replied she'd written them off because I don't allow her to see them. I told her she just can't replace everything in her life. I said that getting another dog was ridiculous as one of our dogs would never get along with another dog, and she said that she had to get dog "for her" at some point. Meaning that she has no intention of being back here (the "crushed" part). Should I believe her about that? She seems to have written us off. I don't know, I just can't believe that. I told her we could walk the dogs, I just have no intention of allowing her in the house as long as she's with the OP. She then asked what I was doing tomorrow night. I asked why, and she asked if I wanted to go walk the dogs with her (the "I don't know" part). I am so down that she still hasn't even let a glimmer of a chance for "us" at some point to enter her mind. She's already talking about replacing the dogs. How much credence do I give this? She's been with the OP for almost 9 weeks...