Ha, thanks ST! Maybe I should've apologized more directly: "I'm sorry, I have no memory of that..." but it's done now.
Went out with the guy yesterday, a small get-together at his friend's place. It was lovely: low-key, mellow, I got to talk to a few interesting people. This is a pretty big thing for me, because I tend to be nervous around new people and prefer to stay in the corner and watch. It felt good to put myself out there a bit.
H called around 6.30, said he was having a really hard time with the kids and wondered if I might be home early enough for him to go out. I said, "Gosh, I'm sorry, but I'm not sure when I'll be home. Would you like to call a sitter?" He said, no, he'd deal, sorry to "bother" me.
I have to say I was flabbergasted. I can't imagine calling him like that (anymore, though before we used to call for help if we needed it before things got too bad). Maybe I should've gone home, for the kids' sake, but I didn't.
Then around 9.30, my 7-year-old called asking me to come home. I asked if papa was awake (yes), why he wasn't in bed (not tired), told him to go to papa ("No!"). I got home about half an hour later, found him up waiting for me, papa had lost his temper and thrown his (H's) jacket. I went to bed with child; H went out.
Before he left he told me 7-year-old had done some crazy stuff: thrown this "fake snow" plastic stuff all over the front yard, lit some papers on fire on the stove and carried them to the sink, and who knows what else.
I used to think this kind of stuff happens with H because he's on the computer all the time---I don't spend every minute of the day right next to the kids watching them, but they don't often do this kind of thing with me. Now I'm beginning to wonder if the oldest is trying to get his attention or is feeling angry with H.
I had a good time yesterday, felt more relaxed with the guy, more myself, was sillier, laughed and joked more. It was really nice. We talked a bit about what's going on in my sitch, but only at the very end. It was lovely to just forget about that stuff for a few hours and have fun. He said many nice things about how I seem to be dealing (he's in grad school to do social work/therapy, so that was kinda funny). He invited me to go hiking/mushroom hunting soon.
One funny note: I drove to his house so I could leave H's car there (instead of leaving it at home, opening myself up to questions about being picked up and dropped off; bad idea?), and by his front door is a sign that reads "Clothing Optional Beyond This Point." Cracked me up (and I thought of CVA!). Exercised my option to remain clothed.
Lastly, I want to share a dream I had last night and how I interpret it. It might be kinda cheesey, but what the heck.
I dreamed that this guy and I were in a car (him up front, me in back) with the president, the first lady, and some secret service guys. The first lady in my dream is a woman I know from the hangout---about my age, kids the same ages, loud, and newly and extremely bitterly divorced. I've always been uncomfortable around her, even before the bomb, as she represents something I never, ever want to be.
Anyway, everyone in the car gets down, except the first lady, who panics, gets out, and is killed immediately. I was down on the floor but felt strangely calm, and reached into the front seat to touch the guy (who was intent on what was going on, if I remember correctly).
Anyway, I see this as pretty good for me. I see the first lady as being so afraid she runs right into her demise, and me staying calm and actually reaching out to touch someone (first, instead of just responding). I don't think the guy in the dream is necessarily the guy in real life; I think rather that he might represent a kind of future R, or the possibility of one.
Edited to add: H, the kids, COW, and another mutual friend of ours from the hangout played together yesterday; the kids were very excited to tell me all about her dog, which they love.
Anyway, that's pretty much what's up here. Any thoughts?
