care, I did that upon recommendation from a friend of mine. I'm not making the call for him. he already has another name thru ow (her mediator for her divorce). what I don't want is for him to assume he gets to make all the choices. that, and if this is going to happen, I'd like someone who was recommended to me, that I know people who have had good experiences with.
I will not do his work for him. he needs to make the calls, set up the appts, etc.
so that is why. its something my friend thought would be beneficial for me in the long run. and its something that still keeps the ball in his court.
and there is where I wash my hands.
had a good w/o at the gym, did my ab tape, am getting back to my life. I'm back to making my list of things I like to do. things that I want to learn, things that I want to accomplish, things that I want to do and want to make sure I don't stop doing because H isn't here. things that I can still love, even though there is a part of me that wants to deny it because they are things he doesn't like now, or ridicules, or whatever.
back to working on me.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
got the mail and in it was an envelope for h. I do all the bills, and pitch the junk. normally other stuff i just set aside for him when he comes by. the envelope in question looked like junk, so I almost pitched it, but opened it just to make sure first.
omg.
it was for a checking acct he opened up for himself. and in it was a deposited amount of money that I knew nothing about. I thought at first it was the stock money (turned out it wasnt), which just enraged me. either way, I just feel like I cannot trust this man anymore.
nope, didn't wait 48 hours. nope, didn't treat this as a civilized crucial conversation. instead, I called and reamed his ass. told him not to bother calling the mediator, I didn't trust him enough for mediation anymore, he would have to serve me. we would spend the $ and get the lawyers. he was practically hysterical, really upset, told me he was doing nothing wrong, told me that he didn't even think to tell me about the checking acct, that it was none of my business, told me a lot of crap. told me spending money on lawyers was insane, told me there was nothing I couldn't trust him about, that he still gave me his checks and he was willing and ready to make sure I didn't have to go to work and such. maybe so. but the truth of the matter is I don't trust him anymore. I don't. I don't even know him. told him as much.
I am ill.
I am pissed.
I am downright angry.
he told me he would never file, that he would never spend $12k that should be for the kids on a divorce. yeah, I like how he tried to guilt me about what I was doing to the kids by spending that kind of money. f him front and back. f him. I flat out told him in the scheme of things, this was the least of what was done to the kids. f him.
I finally got him to admit he was living with ow, btw. he kept trying not to, then finally said I was right. I didn't accept that, made him say it straight out. I know that's neither here nor there, but its been bugging me, so I did it. don't care.
guessing when he cools down (and he is MAD right now) he'll go ahead and file (he said he never will, we'll live our lives just like now if necessary). but f him, he's going to have to.
I know its shooting myself in the foot. I know I'd get a better deal in arbitration. and maybe when I cool off I'll rethink. but maybe not.
Last edited by morgan; 10/29/0705:32 PM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Since you just hung up on me I will just have to write you an email which is not really what I want to do. The discussion that we just had on the phone is a microcosm of what I feel and have felt about our relationship for a long time. It seems that no matter how much you talk about controlling your emotions you will always be the person who makes a big deal over issues that don’t need to be blown up to that point. I have already deposited that stock check in the account today and I have every right to have my own checking account just as you do.
The idea that I have anything to hide financially is a joke. I have never once stopped supporting you and the kids and have every intention of doing so moving forward. I have continued to direct deposit my checks into our account and have left the bills with you. There is nothing else to hide. You know what I have and the idea that you would consider throwing away thousands on attorneys when we have so little is shocking to me. The only questions at hand here would be financial and the kids. I think we both agree on issues with the kids and since I literally have nothing else financially why would we do that?
You are an intelligent person Morgan and you have obviously done some research on this and you are aware that you wouldn’t have to agree with anything if you didn’t want to. Why would that not work?
my response, unfortunately, will be one I probably live to regret. but I am blinded by anger right now. I am so angry I can't even see straight (edited because this is a nice, family site...no, normally my mouth isn't this bad):
fck you.
fck you for continuing to blame me for everything wrong in our relationship
fck you for demonizing me
fck you for all of this
fck you for being a fcking loser bastard lying cheating [censored]
fck you
this, H, is why our relationship went wrong. and fck you for never wanting to make it right.
gee, ya wonder why I don't trust you to do something right via mediation? what is there to trust? the funny thing is, I would have trusted you again someday, if you were half the man I know you are. fck you for going in this direction.
ya know what, h, you show me your fcking proposal for the divorce. show me that, then I'll decide whether mediation is even going back on the table. because you know what, h? right now its far from it, and its going to have to be a fcking good deal for me to even go back to considering.
choke on your lies, [censored]. choke on them. I did NOTHING in my life or our life together to warrant them. all I've ever done is fcking love you, and when I found out something was wrong, try to fix those things. and you saw stuff that was wrong but never had the fcking guts to try to fix them. just like (your friend). he doesn't love (his wife) anymore, but instead of trying to fix his marriage, he just blasts it to other people. what the fck happened to stepping up and trying before just giving up.
fck you. hope you and fcking OW will be very happy. hope you both choke on each other.
Last edited by morgan; 10/29/0705:47 PM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
oh yeah, saffie. I said, in a nutshell, that I doubt if she cared since she had no problem sleeping with a married man to begin with, but its something I would have liked to have known, and then I told her we'd been sleeping together. told her that part was likely over now, but it was, and i understood that she probably wouldn't believe me, but that was her choice to make. she has the info, do with it what she will.
omg, I'm a runaway train and can't seem to stop. I'm thisclose to calling h's friend's wife to give her a heads up on their marital problems.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Try to take some deep breaths and slow down. You're only human so it's understandable that after the few weeks you've had you finally reached a breaking point. But backing off and cooling down right now would be best for YOU.
A question I had for you about your conversation with your H this weekend is WHY does he want you to file? Is there something else going on? Does OW know the whole story or has he told her that you want out of the marriage equally???
Oh and by the way you are NOT a f'ing loser for wanting to stay married to your H and the father of your children. If he cannot see the strength that takes, then HE is the f'ing loser.
Can you go work out or go for a run???
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
well, just got a tearfilled call from H asking why I did that...that now she has left him, that it was over, she won't take him back.
I went off on him some more. I am so angry. did he think he can just juggle things and lie about them all and noone would ever hold him responsible.
told him not to worry, she'd be back with him...they have such a freaking twisted relationship I have no doubt. but the truth is, a year ago I would have liked the same call from her. would have hurt like hell, but I sure would have liked to know.
i won't call h's friend's wife, I'll just feel bad for her.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
