What you have said is exactly what I am talking about. I don't dare show any emotion or I run the risk of pushing her away. That is what I mean by SHE controls the situation. She wants out and makes no effort to seek MC, IC or anything since OM is now her "kight in shining armor" that will bring her eternal happiness.
I realize this is hard. I'm here too. I went through the same stages of anger that you are going through. My W saw it, it pushed her further away. Need to get a handle on it - See a therapist, exercise. Whatever it is that you do to relieve stress and anger.
As for OM - Forget about him. You can't change the way she feels about him. The more you try to pull her in, the more she's going to cling to him. You have to remember that their relationship is more than likely not going to last long. My W has an OM. For the first two months or so, they talked every night for hours and my W thought he was the greatest thing on the earth. For the past few weeks they have argued pretty much daily... It comes and goes. Eventually he'll get burned out on someone who is so erratic and unstable. I know my W's OM has started dating other girls, even though my W is still emotionally attached (I have no idea if it turned into a PA or not).
Don't be emotionless around your W. Why would she want to be with someone like that. You have no idea how many times when my W and I were living together she'd come home angry and upset, not want to eat or do anything. I'd be pretty upbeat and tell her I was going out to dinner with D, and she was welcome to join us. I don't think she ever once refused to go, and usually she spilled her guts to me when we were there.
It's not a question of whether your W chooses between you and OM. You need to ask yourself if she'll come back to you emotionally when everything she's trying to put around her to feel safe crumbles. It's the whole house on the sand, house on the rock analogy. She's building her emotional house on the sand right now. Where do you think she's going to go when it falls over?
