The WAS controls the fate of our M's and yet WE cannot control them!!! INCREDIBLE!!!
Only in part - The LBS can choose to exit the marriage if they want to. Many of us don't, but I'm sure that there are plenty of LBSes that just call it quits for an easy life.
Remember - your W can't control YOU. That is the most important thing. While M has legal and perhaps religious significance, we all know that it is mostly a state of mind. My W and I probably felt MORE married before we were legally married, simply because we had a lot more balance and we were working together more.
It sounds like you're way too focused on what your W does, and how it makes you feel - It is understandable. I've been there. You can't control what she does, so don't spend your time worrying about it. You don't want that stress coming through in whatever contact you both have - Too easy to fall back into the habit of pressuring her.
What you have said is exactly what I am talking about. I don't dare show any emotion or I run the risk of pushing her away. That is what I mean by SHE controls the situation. She wants out and makes no effort to seek MC, IC or anything since OM is now her "kight in shining armor" that will bring her eternal happiness.
The LBS is left holding the bag and has to walk on eggshells so we don't come across as mean, indifferent, uncaring, cold, or trying to manipulate or control.
THE WAS GETS TO CONTROL THE LIVES OF THE WHOLE FAMILY!!!
Me: 41 W: 40 D5, S4 Bomb Dropped: 7/8/2007 Status: W has moved out with kids 8/25/2007
You can stop beating now...I think the horse is dead.
You don't HAVE to do anything. You don't HAVE to walk on eggshells. And you are missing the point entirely. Your goal is to focus and work on yourself. You can choose to hold on to this anger and feel like your being picked on if you like, but it is really unattractive. This stuff coming through on the message board is a part of how you are. If we see it, your wife probably does also, and it's unattractive. Why would she come back just because you feel entitled to it? If you are walking on eggshells for her and kissing butt, but secretly seething about it, it isn't an actual change, it's just a ploy to get her back. Can you imagine if she actually came back to you thinking that you didn't have these issues?
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I thought this was a place to vent. I do not want to come across as unattractive but where else can I have my say w/o being judged?? I am certain that many here feel as frustrated as me but don't want to put their thoughts on the board in such a way.
I hear what you are saying but I didn't quit...she did.
Me: 41 W: 40 D5, S4 Bomb Dropped: 7/8/2007 Status: W has moved out with kids 8/25/2007
What you have said is exactly what I am talking about. I don't dare show any emotion or I run the risk of pushing her away. That is what I mean by SHE controls the situation. She wants out and makes no effort to seek MC, IC or anything since OM is now her "kight in shining armor" that will bring her eternal happiness.
I realize this is hard. I'm here too. I went through the same stages of anger that you are going through. My W saw it, it pushed her further away. Need to get a handle on it - See a therapist, exercise. Whatever it is that you do to relieve stress and anger.
As for OM - Forget about him. You can't change the way she feels about him. The more you try to pull her in, the more she's going to cling to him. You have to remember that their relationship is more than likely not going to last long. My W has an OM. For the first two months or so, they talked every night for hours and my W thought he was the greatest thing on the earth. For the past few weeks they have argued pretty much daily... It comes and goes. Eventually he'll get burned out on someone who is so erratic and unstable. I know my W's OM has started dating other girls, even though my W is still emotionally attached (I have no idea if it turned into a PA or not).
Don't be emotionless around your W. Why would she want to be with someone like that. You have no idea how many times when my W and I were living together she'd come home angry and upset, not want to eat or do anything. I'd be pretty upbeat and tell her I was going out to dinner with D, and she was welcome to join us. I don't think she ever once refused to go, and usually she spilled her guts to me when we were there.
It's not a question of whether your W chooses between you and OM. You need to ask yourself if she'll come back to you emotionally when everything she's trying to put around her to feel safe crumbles. It's the whole house on the sand, house on the rock analogy. She's building her emotional house on the sand right now. Where do you think she's going to go when it falls over?
Dude, we are all frustrated. I would love to, as someone wrote today, smack my W in the head with my copy of DR. Sure, it's tremendously frustrating to believe to your core that you now have the tools to make a great M and R with your S and your S not being interested.
That being said, no one is judging you. We've all acknowledged that you have every right to be angry. Vent away. However, you've been beating this horse for a while. It's not productive. If you're focused on this in your daily life, rather than just occassionally blowing off steam here, your W can feel that even if you're not expressing it to her.
You have two basic choices: 1. you can keep the focus on your W and blaming her for what she's doing or 2. you can start focusing on yourself and making yourself a more attractive person so that either your W becomes interested in coming back or someone else does down the road (with the occassional venting here).
We can only go by what we read. What I'm reading is someone very angry at his W. Blaming her because of the EA she's having (as hard as it is to accept, accept this: an A is a symptom, NOT the problem). Someone too focused on his W and trying to win her back.
For now, she's gone. Take care of yourself.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
I thought this was a place to vent. I do not want to come across as unattractive but where else can I have my say w/o being judged?? I am certain that many here feel as frustrated as me but don't want to put their thoughts on the board in such a way.
Venting is fine. We've all done it. It's part of the process. At some point you have to let go of the anger - It is REALLY not going to get you anywhere.
My W has been night/day different with me since I stopped being angry at her. Even when she does something that I'd previously blow up at, or at least be short with her, I instead talk to her about it and act out of love and friendship, rather than anger. You don't want to be a doormat, but you don't want to be a locked door either. She needs to know that you will be there for her, and that you're not going to hold everything that has happened against her, otherwise she's never going to turn around. It's hard to do. It's REALLY hard.
I say if you need to vent; vent away. Get it out of your system so your wife doesn't see it. But, by the same token, you need to show some initiative and figure yourself out, otherwise all you've got is your anger.
I do not think that is a fair statement to make. Did she quit or did she get tired of trying? Have you always been trying or just recently started when you seen things in the M were bad? Is she the only one responsible for where things are today? Did you give up (quit)on the M years ago and now are trying again? I ask you these things, because they are thoughts we have or at least I have? It is easy for the LBS to say that the WAS is giving up when they walk away or have an A. We are just as responsible for where the M is today as they are. Can we truly blame them for not wanting to try? Just because we finally lite a fire under our own asses and want to try. We all came here in the beginning out of desperation to save our marriages. Not, because we were just sitting around one day and said to ourselves "Hey, I wonder what I can do to show my S that I love them more. How can I show them that I appreciate them and want them to be happy." I wish that we had came here to better our already decent marriage, instead of looking for a life preserver to rescue our already sinking marriages. But, know that we are here. It is beyond time to point fingers and place blame. It is time to react and to make changes in our lives and adapt to what is happening the best we can.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
But many of us are seeing a man stuck in the anger loop. You were hurt, the hurt signals anger, you get mad and resentful (a form of aggression) and so you hurt some more. And the cycle repeats.
What can you do to break that cycle? Before the cycle breaks you?
