In my experience staying calm doesn't always deflect the anger, so don't feel you have done it wrong if you get waves of anger.
This is true. And in my case, Sweetheart did show less anger than many...or at least it was not as lkong-lived. BUT he also stopped projecting it and blaming everything at me. When I stopped reacting, he found others who would react.
The main thing is not to fear these moods. Many fear the MLCers anger and back down; weakening their position.
Conistency is one of the most important things in dealing with and MLCer and Standing for your marriage. Know when to change, when to be flexible with boundaries, but know when toremain firm.
I flexed boundaries when I had reason--and always gave the reason to my MLCer, otherwise he would have thought I was weakening and he would button push more. But I rmeained consistent in what I was doing.
And what I was doing was Standing for my marriage. I told him I wwas not going to date (someone else), was not interested in dating and thta I would NEVER date someone else--unless Sweetheart died. I did nt always say I loved him verbally, but I showed it. I acted married.
Acting married doesn't mean that I treated him as a husband when he visited...cleaingin up after him, cooking for him, wifey things. It meant that my public persona at work and church etc was of a married person. Sweetheart couldhave simply been overseas in the military--he wasn't, but as a married person, my job was to condusct myself as married. And I did that consistently.
Consistent also meant that I did not waiver on wanting my marriage. When there was a divorce in progress, I contested. Later when he threatened to start another divorce process, I told him that was fine, I would do the same thing I had done previously.
I did not waiver in my love for Sweeteart. Or my belief regarding marriage. He saw that. I also didn't waiver by falling onto the doormat and allowing him to see the OW. If he chose to be with her, I told him he was thus choosing not to be with me--that is, he was choosing to live somewhere other than our house--and he always chose the OW's. Fine. I knew it wouldn't last and it wouldn't be pleasant for him at her house. I got to have space and free time, he got a woman who monitored his cell hphone through an online account--that she set up for him and only she used.
Be the example. It takes TIME, but MLCers affair down. They usually find someone opposite of the spouse. OWs are jealous (um, yeah, dating a married!), and controlling. Let it happen. If you fight it, you are the jealous and controlling one and she can relax.
And if yoiu've got a mean and angry MLCer...do you want that right now? Laugh as she gets the Monster, because you'll have the good part later.
