What's going on?

[very sad]

Hi - I've been posting in newcomers but I think I belong in MLC. I'm really not sure if my H is in a MLC because he's only 35 but it seems like he has the signs. I will make this short here is my story.........My H told me in March 07 thyat he loved me but was not in love with me and wants a D. I did all of usual stuff like crying, begging, pleading, telling him ILY and hugging him until he told me that it made him feel uncomfortable so I stopped. Then in August 07 I got a letter from Husbands L telling me to get a L. I tried again to talk to H about it but he just gets mad and wont really talk about why he doesn't love me he just says that I didn't show him enough love then he told me he is seeing someone. I am just crushed because I love him so much and it was just such a shock because I had no idea anything was wrong. I bought Micheles books and I asked H to go to counseling with me but he wont he said this can not be fixed and wants a D. He emailed me about 2 weeks ago asking if I found a L yet so I went out and got one. My L says he has no grounds for D but H seems to really want one. We have been together for 17 years and married for 6 of them and we have a 3 year old S and H still lives at home. I guess I just need some advice as to what is going on and what to do because like I said I still love him and do NOT want a D. My H has been so different since this started back in March I mean he is a totally different person like an alien and I just cant get through to him. For the last month I have been trying to give him space and have not brought up R or the OW but it doesn't seem to help he just seems even more distant then ever. My H used to be the best guy in the whole world and the way he is acting is so out of character for him. Can someone please give me some advice because I'm so lost and confused and just dont know what is happening. Any advice would be so appreciated. Thank you so much for listening.

[kissak]

Very Sad...so sorry to see you here, but you will find some great advice from everyone.

[angelica]

Hi very sad. I am so sorry to find you here, but you have come to a good place. First of all take some time to read the MLC resources at the top of the list of threads, and do lurk around on other threads too, visiting topics that look interesting. It may depress you to see how 'common' this stuff is, but equally, you will realise that it happens, and there are ways of coping.

MLC takes time to work through, and a lot of patience and forebearance on the part of the lbs.

Angelica

[a new 2moro]

Hi very Sad , you have indeed come to the right place...our heavy hitters will all chime in soon. They are a wonderful source of info...and encouragement.

yes your H is an alien! Look at his eyes there will be an erie emptiness that is downright scary.

My H said the exact same thing yours did...ILYBINILWY.....classic MLC speech...their No # 1 choice...learned on the mothership. My had an affair with a piece of pondscum 1/2 his age and filed for D ..we went to court once....3 weeks after that he asked to come home this was about 18 months in duration...but had started several years before so total MLC was 4-5 years with a 18 month replay...raging affair for a year.

many MLC's take longer...its a tought ride . we are there to support you with love, info an an occasional 2 x 4.

[Upside]

Hi vs-
I am so sorry for your situation. Sounds like you have been on the boards for a few months, so hopefully you have been reading all of the resources as well as doing your own research. If your H is having a MLC, this is going to take time. There is no quick fix. Sounds like you handled thing in the beginning the same way I did and it just doesn't work. You have to back off and let go. This is completely out of your control. My H has filed for the D over 2 months ago but has yet to have me served. I told him that I don't want the D but if that is what is going to make him happy, then we should do it. It seemed to make him stop the process for now anyway.

If your H is having a MLC, he has issues that he is avoiding dealing with...try to have compassion and understanding...like he is sick...this is a good way to lessen your pain. You need to take stock of what you did wrong in the M, but not blame yourself for where your M has ended up. Your M the way you knew it is over...but there is always hope that you can rebuild a new R/M with H.

Keep posting here...you will get lots of great advice and it helps to just vent. Stay stong.

<3
Upside.

[Rollercoasterider]

Very Sad,

So get a lawyer, but do not discuss it with your husband. This may anger him; TOUGH. Refuse to discuss legal anything legal issues. Tell him he can talk to his lawyer.

We've been in your place. I refused to discuss any legal proceddings and always refused Sweetheart to the lawyers. He was pissed when I got my own layer, was pissed when I refused to help him fill out his paperwork--he should didn't need me to tell him my soc #, date of birth or our wedding date!

I told him "I'm sorry you feel that way." When he said I was being vidictive. I told him "That's how these things work." When he complained about my refusla to discuss anything legal. And when he didn't like what I did regarding the legal issues, I balmed it on my lawyer.

But he didn't stay angry for long necause I remained calm and refused to rise to his baited anger.

MLCers will refuse counseling...some will go once or twice to help the LBS accept the end of the marriage. So let him do that. But you need to go on your own. Find a pro-marriage counselor who will not only be a therapist but also a mentor/guide, helping you leanr how to deal with someone in crisis.

No more relationship talks. No more how or why don't you/can't you love me, stop loving, fall out of love etc. They don't stop, but if this is MLC, he is so confused and wrapped up in his won confusion that his feelings are burioed int he rubble. He doesn't want to accept what is happening to him and that it is within himself. He is not happy and your marriage is the greatest life-fator, therefrore he must be not happy because of your marriage. So he will blame you and your relationship.

And maybe some of his complaints are valid. Loo into yourself and listen to his complaints. What do you need to change about your Self? Try new changes, some you won't like--so don't keep them. In the end, the changes need to be for YOU.

You need to accept that he will not discuss your relationship. HE's already done that...he said he wants out, so he may feel there is nothing more to discuss. And right now, he is correct. If this is MLC he needs to fdix himself and devote his enrgy to that endeavour before he will even be capable of putting energy back into your relationship.

So give him space. Space from talking. Physical space as needed.

Find your strength and happiness....and he will wonder. You really should be in a crisis, depressed, sad, agry etc over what he is doing, so why are you strong and happy; he's not. Maybe he should look back at you, you must know something he doesn't.

But if you seem weak instead, he will run farther and faster. And i the beginning, fake it 'til you make it. Act strong so that you become strong.

So think about what you can do to recover your strength and find Peace. List them here.

HUGS,
RCR

[angelica]

Very sad - I am so pleased that Rollercoasterider has posted to you, as she really understands the MLC process

However, I would take issue with this:

But he didn't stay angry for long necause I remained calm and refused to rise to his baited anger.

In my experience staying calm doesn't always deflect the anger, so don't feel you have done it wrong if you get waves of anger.

Anger is one of the components of the MLC, for many MLCers. We can certainly exacerbate it by handling it badly, but like the wind, it is a force of nature that at times we can only shelter from. All the stages of the crisis will take their toll of patience, and you will grow stronger and more capable, and more skilled at dealing with this alien.

A

[Rollercoasterider]

Very Sad,

In my experience staying calm doesn't always deflect the anger, so don't feel you have done it wrong if you get waves of anger.

This is true. And in my case, Sweetheart did show less anger than many...or at least it was not as lkong-lived. BUT he also stopped projecting it and blaming everything at me. When I stopped reacting, he found others who would react.

The main thing is not to fear these moods. Many fear the MLCers anger and back down; weakening their position.

Conistency is one of the most important things in dealing with and MLCer and Standing for your marriage. Know when to change, when to be flexible with boundaries, but know when toremain firm.

I flexed boundaries when I had reason--and always gave the reason to my MLCer, otherwise he would have thought I was weakening and he would button push more. But I rmeained consistent in what I was doing.

And what I was doing was Standing for my marriage.
I told him I wwas not going to date (someone else), was not interested in dating and thta I would NEVER date someone else--unless Sweetheart died. I did nt always say I loved him verbally, but I showed it. I acted married.

Acting married doesn't mean that I treated him as a husband when he visited...cleaingin up after him, cooking for him, wifey things. It meant that my public persona at work and church etc was of a married person. Sweetheart couldhave simply been overseas in the military--he wasn't, but as a married person, my job was to condusct myself as married. And I did that consistently.

Consistent also meant that I did not waiver on wanting my marriage. When there was a divorce in progress, I contested. Later when he threatened to start another divorce process, I told him that was fine, I would do the same thing I had done previously.

I did not waiver in my love for Sweeteart. Or my belief regarding marriage. He saw that. I also didn't waiver by falling onto the doormat and allowing him to see the OW. If he chose to be with her, I told him he was thus choosing not to be with me--that is, he was choosing to live somewhere other than our house--and he always chose the OW's. Fine. I knew it wouldn't last and it wouldn't be pleasant for him at her house. I got to have space and free time, he got a woman who monitored his cell hphone through an online account--that she set up for him and only she used.

Be the example. It takes TIME, but MLCers affair down. They usually find someone opposite of the spouse. OWs are jealous (um, yeah, dating a married!), and controlling. Let it happen. If you fight it, you are the jealous and controlling one and she can relax.

And if yoiu've got a mean and angry MLCer...do you want that right now? Laugh as she gets the Monster, because you'll have the good part later.

HUGS,
RCR

[Was2sad]

VSad

You're getting key advice there. Major tool for you is the phrase "I'm sorry you feel that way". It doesn't say you agree or disagree. It shows a trace of empathy for their feelings. But it does not tie you to agreeing to anything concrete.

Some MLCers will run out of D gas. Some will go fast track. You can not change his momentum. You can refuse to assist in it. Let him do his own paperwork while you do yours. Be thorough. Blame everything on the L. That is part of what you are paying for. You can't help it if your L says "do this, don't discuss that ..." and remember "I'm sorry if you feel that way".

He is probably getting a lot of pressure from someone to do this quick. You can't change that either. By showing resistance to the process you anger him/them. By resisting, you must be crushed and eliminated. Show nothing. No emotion at all in front of him.

Others in the past also suggest validating his wishes in theory so he does not feel you are fighting him. So if he says this M is over you might try to say "I understand what you are saying and I agree the M was broken." That does not say it can't be worked on or that you want a D. You avoid conflict if possible, and let him think you acknowledge his concern. Yeah, right!

Understand that the D process takes time, but not as long as a MLC. The D very well may happen before he comes to his senses. Do not measure your life by his actions or by this outcome. You are not the whole blame for what he is going through or doing. This is his D. Make him do his own work. But you must be ready to fight for all that you deserve as the MLCer will not be the one to take care of you.

The MLCer lives in "All About Me" world. Everyone is out to get them, they trust no one. No amount of good or fairness you attempt will be judged that way. You will be against him in his eyes no matter what you do, unless you totally cave in to his crazyness and that will only end up ruining your life. Don't!

The one that wants out should leave. If H says he needs time and space, you should consider offering to help him pack and move. Living under the same roof with MLC is 24x7 nightmare. By trying to get him to stay home you are not avoiding the mlc. You are only forcing it on yourself and your son. Let your H waste money on an apt and start getting the idea of what D will cost for years to come... if he insists. If you want the house and can swing it financially, fight for your family home. Protect any assets you can, he won't do this for you. Focus on you and son.

Update here, vent here, not at home.

[GoodGuy]

Hi Sad,
I have responded to a couple of your other posts, and I identify with your sitch, but I'm not sure if my wife is going through a MLC? I mean, how can we tell? My wife has been pleasant, distant and doesn't want anything to do with me, but not angry, so I'm not sure what a MLC looks like to be sure?
But mine wants a D too, asked me again a couple of weeks ago, makes me feel like crap.
I have told my wife I don't want a D a couple of times, if she asks me again I think I will tell her to file if she wants, no help from me, and she can explain it to our S, b/c telling him about us separating was tough enough, he would be crushed if we got a D!
Like I said, I'm no expert on MLC, my W is 43, so I think she might be a candidate, more so than your 35 year old husband, but again, who knows?
Are you trying to GAL sad? Going to the gym? Hanging out with friends? I don't remember if you have kids? Do you have to have a lawyer or can you discuss financial matters between the 2 of you? My W and I did it all between us, I refinanced my house and paid her 1/2, split our assets, even visiting rights with our S, none of which is easy, but cheaper than a lawyer.
Stay in touch, keep posting, I find I help myself by helping others, I answer my own questions that way sometimes.
Talk to you soon,