Calling All Cats :)

[cat03]

well,I did it again, spill my heart to H, the full load, like dumping a pile of rocks over a spider web...

Won't go over every detail, but the gist of it is that H is still in the negative (numbers) as far as healing himself and the outlook he has about our M. About us not even sharing the same bedroom, he's afraid that if he "gives in" (give affection which to begin with isnt ready to give either) it will lead to not fixing our issues and that nothing would get solved. That we argue and that by not sleeping together we will argue less (*sigh*). For the record we don't argue all that, there are weeks where we don't have a problem at all or if we do is a small one.

He still needs to learn to voice what bothers him before it becomes unbearable.
And of course I said a few things I had in me, I have this naive idea that being totally honest about my fears and thoughts will help, well, it isn't always a good idea. He admitted he did not want me to hold things in but that some stuff I said act as a double edge sword. It did hurt when he said he felt there was a huge gap between us and that he has no idea at all how to fix it.

We still ended up the talk in a non-negative way, not mad nor yelling at each other as it would've happen years ago. In the morn we both admitted feeling bad about some things said and we hugged.

Our road to a "medium" size reconciliation is a long way, I need to outfit myself for that. I was thinking this morn "what if it were a physical problem, like an accident, I would be there for the long haul.. he has a psychological problem, which is as damaging if not more, I need to be there for him for the long haul as well."

Well, that's my drama for the month, I'm still going to write my 5 blessings per day, to keep myself sane and be his safe landing, because right now I'm nowhere near being that, he's too afraid of being vulnerable again by giving of himself to me.