Got a book my friend told me about last night that might help you as well:
_Why Your Life Sucks_ by Alan Cohen. Apparently he is an engaging writer who uses humor to teach some pretty important concepts. In a nutshell, here's why your life sucks according to Cohen:
1. You give your power away. 2. You expect it to suck. 3. You get fooled by appearances. 4. You waste your energy on things that suck. 5. You keep trying to prove yourself. 6. You say Yes when you mean No. (one of the points under this chapter is you don't set healthy boundaries, and you participate in toxic relationships...) 7. You think you have to do it all yourself. 8. You try to fix other people. 9. You starve your soul. 10. You forgot to enjoy the ride.
She gave me a typed packet that goes more in-depth on each of these principles, and I have to tell you I see a lot of DBing-type stuff in here as well as many other items. It helped me to understand why, in some ways, I felt happier during the crisis with H than I do now that we're reconciled....essentially, focusing on ME, GAL, PMA, acting as if, etc.
It's my feeling that H is enjoying the reaction he's getting from you while he's texting. If you're in the room when he starts to text, get up and leave it. If he says anything, smile that pretty Nikki smile and say, "I cannot make you stop texting or disrespecting me, but I CAN choose not to participate." Then go do something happy-making.
Your H sounds passive-aggressive...is he?
Take your focus off of H. It most definitely is possible to live in the same space with an alien and keep a nice little bubble around yourself, but it takes work and determination. It helped me to give my H's alien persona a name and identity, because I didn't really know that person, and so it was easier to depersonalize his actions and find compassion for him. My name for H was Phantom of the Opera. Liz's name for her H was Woodtick. Maybe it might work for you?
You're giving your power away to your H, and even in the BEST times in our marriages, that's not a good thing. Choose for you. Set your boundaries. You can't make your H do anything, but you also don't have to participate.
Good luck sweetie! Make your day great!
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
oldtimer You still seem so porous when it comes to H. You are doing things you don't want to do. It is sapping your energy.
Hey OT,
Would you mind waxing eloquent on your above quote? I think this is a problem for me also.
Tar
I can't speak for what OT meant, but when I read that I thought about the "Why Your Life Sucks" principle, "You give your power away." Some specifics on that concept from the book:
*You make someone or something outside of you more important than what is inside you. *You put people on a pedestal. *You imitate instead of create. *You don't listen to your intuition. (Feelings are our guidance system...use them!) *You let others choose for you. *You think your destiny depends on something outside you. *The root of authority is authenticity. *You settle for less than you want or need.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
The boundaries book covers the topic of not having much of a sense of self...
Hiya OT...I couldn't find a topic of yours to post on so sorry Nikki...hijacking for a sec.
I went to the bookshop on the way home from work. I had seen the boundaries book the other week but it was gone this time. However, I found another Anne Katherine book called Where to Draw the Line which looks like the 'sequel' to the boundaries book. I bought it and it looks good so far. I read some of it on the way home on the train.
Not a lot to update... been a pretty quiet week, just lots of contemplation on my part, and a bit of frustration.
I drove past some of the places I could afford to rent and yikes. I can afford to buy a pretty good place if we D because I'll get a good chunk of house equity, but the places I can rent are pretty scary. Not just "not that nice" - more like "not safe." I didn't realize the rental market had gone nuts along with the housing market (makes sense, but I hadn't looked at rentals in awhile so I didn't know). Still have some short term options if I need to, but long term is going to be tougher.
STILL no calls back from the ICs I have tried. Why on earth do they sign up to get referrals and take new patients if they aren't going to even bother to call back? I'm up to 4 that I've attempted now. Still have another 35 or so on the list that I can call.
To top it off the furniture place is getting shady on me. They told me they'd let me try the bed out before delivering it but then wouldn't assemble it for me, so all I could really do was push on the foam in the box. Seems ok but that's not really the same as laying down on it! I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it'll work. They said they'd deliver and set it up for me (for a fee of course) - and now won't return my calls about WHEN to do so.
Oh one person did call me back though - remember psycho attorney? He called to demand an answer about whether I wanted to hire him. He left VM and I don't plan to call back, but I had to laugh at that one.
Goal for today: get at least one positive, productive thing accomplished!
----------------------- On to replies... thanks everyone for your thoughts!!
ST Yeah, still working on the detaching while at home thing. It is so hard - I had forgotten. Or maybe it's harder this time because the latest bomb seemed/felt more final. I was kind of in disbelief last time - now, it feels very real.
Texting in the house is most definitely a boundary that H is well aware of. He respects it somewhat in that he's usually in the garage, truck, etc. (the times I've 'caught' him were when I went outside or into the garage). I agree - it's amazing how easy cheating is with technology now.
I appreciate the ideas! I haven't lost hope 100% either. Pretty darn close... but I do still have a tiny bit of hope in there somewhere. I fight myself on it, but the fact is it's still there.
Casey Thanks for your thoughts. I can totally relate!!
Oldtimer Hm... I do think I come across as more wishy washy here than I really am. He doesn't text in front of me anymore. But you're right, I need to be a lot firmer on this.
What you said about quitting and changing cell #s - you know what's funny about that is I know that will have to happen if we do reconcile. It HAS TO happen for our M to work.
Makes me wonder - why am I so afraid to push that right now?? I guess what it comes down to is if we don't spend any good time together, how could we ever reconnect? Flawed thinking, I know... not enough care or respect for myself in there. Just thinking out loud.
I'm still working on the first Boundaries book, but will get the other one once I'm done with that.
SD That is some great info, thank you!! Printing that out to add to my notebook that I look through when I need some inspiration/reminders.
As I mentioned to ST he won't start to text while I'm in the room anymore - though certainly if he does, I like your response! I don't think it's a good idea to just ignore it, but think your reply is perfect.
Passive aggressive - yeah, he definitely has some of those traits, especially now (and especially with me - he doesn't strike me as acting this way with other people at all).
Thank you for weighing in on the room / sep issue. I have always admired how well you were able to do that. I may go back and read some of your posts from during that time and hopefully get some inspiration! I like the ideas to depersonalize it, that's a tough one for me and I think that might help. I probably need to come up with something besides jacka$$ (that's what I've been calling him to myself when I'm in the "hating him" mode).
Definitely will keep working on the boundaries, too. At least I'm starting to understand the concept, but got a lot of work to do on incorporating it into my life.
Casey No worries on the hijack, this is a huge issue for me too so anytime you want to talk Boundaries feel free to discuss here! The book you mentioned is the one I have as well.
------------------- Whew... somehow it helped just to get all that out, feeling a weight lifted already.
Going to put a smile on my face, and figure out how to make this a great day! Looking forward to bellydancing tonight and carving a pumpkin, that's a good start.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
That sucks about the furniture. That's the bad thing about doing things online. For the most part I've had good transactions, but you just never know.
On your name for H. Definitely no bad names. the more you focus on the bad things about your H, the worst view of your H you will end up having. When I was in this part of my sitch, there was a LOT my H annoyed me with, but I tried to make sure I focussed on the positives, very little of them-but there were some, that he was doing.
I do agree that H will have to quit his job and phone, and I think that will almost need to be a requirement before getting back with him, if that happens, at least the phone.. the job part will probably take time (speaking of, what happened to that other job he was thinking about?) However, none of that should be mentioned at all unless he comes to you wanting to reconcile again.
Carving the pumpkin will be cool! Do you have plans for it yet? My aunt makes the craziest pumpkins ever. She has templates that she uses, and oh my gosh, it would take hours to accomplish.
I still haven't forgotten to send you a pick of my wall, just haven't gotten around to it yet! sorry. It does sound like you should probably not put a huge amount of effort into the room though. But painting the room might be a relaxing, unwinding thing? And it doesn't sound like it's too big of a job for you to handle. You could paint just the bottom half or top half? or maybe one wall to make it easier.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
(that's what I've been calling him to myself when I'm in the "hating him" mode).