Butterflymom, Looking back, I have to say that I gave my H the benefit of the doubt by looking at his invlvement with both ow and myself as an addiction. In actuality, there was also the cake-eating element; like a manipulative child, if he could have it all and get away with it all, he would have. It is part of the confusion and failure to mature and be responsible.
I don't feel there is one way do handle the sex dilemma. I do know that engaging in a sexual triangle can wreck havoc on self esteem.
I tried to have faith that the best part of him would win out. Addiction and/or cake-eating is no way to go through life.
As I have said before, the MLCer needs to have hope that there can be a sexual relationship. The maturity comes when they realize it's more about intimacy than sex, and that problems can be handled together rather than running away.
RJ, I think there is probably a cake eating element there too, but in the same breath our sex is VERY intimate, not just crazy monkey sex. We are starting to talk a LOT now. Whereas just a month ago we barely spoke other than to make arrangements for the kids or finances.
He called me Friday and talked for well over a half an hour about his confusion and state of mind and sorting things out.
He then called me back and thanked me for talking to him. That he appreciated that I was there to listen. I told him I was glad that he felt he could come to me and talk and that I was there anytime he needed someone.
Things between us are becoming more and more intimate as time goes on.
Self esteem - it's tricky. Very tricky. I agree, but what part of this isn't hard on the self esteem?? I think it would be much harder on me if H was the type that acted repulsed by me and wanted to have nothing to do with me. I think that would destroy my self esteem much quicker than looking in his eyes and hearing him tell me he loves me and he misses me, but that he's made such a mess of things in his life that he doesn't know how to straighten things out or even if they can be straightened out.
JMO.
BFM
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
I get what you mean as far as the increase in communication.
Before H would alwasy be on Ow's timeclock and if he were running behind on his visits ..she was blowing up his cell.
The last few months have been w/ H in less of a hurry to RUSH back to her. If the kids are put to bed before he leaves..he lingers on and we talk sometimes for an hour or so...
He would say..dont be surprised if I come back all of a sudden...or it was good to see you (after hes been away on btrips)...or I miss your cooking, can you belive that?<<<He's a better cook than I>> Or other times how he misses objects<<my H has never been the romantic type..he has no romantic bone in his body>>> OH ..but how the compliments are all of a sudden coming out...he hugged me the other day and told me several times how beautiful I am.
Hi - I just caught up on the last few posts. My h started to get worried about impotence [quite unecessarily from an objective point of view. He then decided that because he had VERY occasional dysfunction - attributable to being tired or having a little too much to drink] he wasn't sexually compatible with me.
And of course oral sex makes this much less of a problem . .
He made it sound like something that happened ever time we made love rather than once or twice a year [in an active sex life] I tried to tell him that this was actually extremely common, but he just looked at me as if he was the only man on earth that EVER had these problems.
Regarding men who WANT to continue with ML/intimacy/sex during MLC and/or during affair with OP. I really think it is entirely down to individuals, and how they feel they are interacting.
It isn't an issue for me, but I can imagine circumstances where I would, and where I wouldn't. I don't think it can be easy where there is another person in teh relationship, but I can also see that if maintains a connnection it would be valuable. Also we are the ones with a 'right' to the relationship.
I know that many advise not have a sexual relationshp with a partner who is having an affair, but I believe that in MLC all bets are off!!
Virtually all of the people who post here are people of immense integrity, and we are struggling with a situation where there are no maps and compasses to guide us.
That is one of the many things that makes the forum so valuable for me - the persepctive and experiences of others . . .
Self esteem - it's tricky. Very tricky. I agree, but what part of this isn't hard on the self esteem?? I think it would be much harder on me if H was the type that acted repulsed by me and wanted to have nothing to do with me. I think that would destroy my self esteem much quicker than looking in his eyes and hearing him tell me he loves me and he misses me, but that he's made such a mess of things in his life that he doesn't know how to straighten things out or even if they can be straightened out.
Yes, I know - my self esteeem went through the floor, it still hurts terribly that he is repulsed by me, even though I know it is MLC. Particularly as I am much more attractive than the OW.
My heart aches at times, but I know it would also hurt if he made love to me and then went off to the OW . . .
I know that many advise not have a sexual relationship with a partner who is having an affair, but I believe that in MLC all bets are off!!
Absolutely. It's all situational and like you say there is no compass to guide us. One of the best things about this bb is that others have experiences that can help us make an informed decision (at least as much as possible).
Like you Angelica I don't have the option of making the choice (H has expressed no interest), but I do think about the circumstances where I might or might not. With my family on the line....you can bet the gloves are off.
I think as soon as his A went PA he no longer wanted me in that way. which I was fine with that! Part of the bomb was he wanted to try that R with her....amongst all the other MLC blather. Later in the summer he did go thru cake-eating...not physical....just wanting farm/home life and A with all the trappings. And he was confused....very confused. But he did go down that path all the way...
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
He made it sound like something that happened ever time we made love rather than once or twice a year [in an active sex life] I tried to tell him that this was actually extremely common, but he just looked at me as if he was the only man on earth that EVER had these problems.
Sometimes I feel that I'm gaining too much knowledge here. But this issue seems to be another trigger point in the male MLC. My husband was over oneday long ago...we were having a rather good conversation. Just so happens that Lissett called or I called her or she was on the phone heck...I don't remember that part, the part I DO REMEMBER is handing him the phone and letting him speak to Lissett.
I heard him telling her of HIS SEXUAL problems...or rather he said they were mine. Something about I watched the clock to see how long it would take him to achieve an orgasm. So he felt he was under scrutiny to perform. Now most women would want it to take awhile.....so I am only going to assume it was something he was dealing with emotionally. I mean...he actually told a stranger on the phone this.
Change the Policy. Allow PM's Free all of us.
Also some new and improved emoticons would be nice!
chicki, My H tells me I'm beautiful and sexy and an incredibly wonderful woman, etc. a lot now.
It's nice to hear.
It's hard when he tells me that one day and then asks what we're going to do with the kids for Christmas and t-giving the next day as I just want all this to be over and us to be back to normal.
I goofed today. We were talking about T-giving and I said "You'll end up getting them for t-giving even if your mom does work because your dad will cook and you'll have dinner when she gets home which just sucks!"
He got offended, but he thought I was talking about his dad cooking sucked. LOL!
I explained, "No I don't think it sucks that your dad cooks. I just think this whole situation sucks. It sucks that we even have to make these decisions. It sucks that things have to be like this. It sucks that we both can't spend t-giving with our kids. It just sucks!"
He got quiet and didn't say much after that.
Oh well. Sometimes things just need to be said.
BFM
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
