NikkiB #21

[SDFoundGirl]

Got a book my friend told me about last night that might help you as well:

_Why Your Life Sucks_ by Alan Cohen. Apparently he is an engaging writer who uses humor to teach some pretty important concepts. In a nutshell, here's why your life sucks according to Cohen:

1. You give your power away.
2. You expect it to suck.
3. You get fooled by appearances.
4. You waste your energy on things that suck.
5. You keep trying to prove yourself.
6. You say Yes when you mean No. (one of the points under this chapter is you
don't set healthy boundaries, and you participate in toxic relationships...)
7. You think you have to do it all yourself.
8. You try to fix other people.
9. You starve your soul.
10. You forgot to enjoy the ride.

She gave me a typed packet that goes more in-depth on each of these principles, and I have to tell you I see a lot of DBing-type stuff in here as well as many other items. It helped me to understand why, in some ways, I felt happier during the crisis with H than I do now that we're reconciled....essentially, focusing on ME, GAL, PMA, acting as if, etc.

It's my feeling that H is enjoying the reaction he's getting from you while he's texting. If you're in the room when he starts to text, get up and leave it. If he says anything, smile that pretty Nikki smile and say, "I cannot make you stop texting or disrespecting me, but I CAN choose not to participate." Then go do something happy-making.

Your H sounds passive-aggressive...is he?

Take your focus off of H. It most definitely is possible to live in the same space with an alien and keep a nice little bubble around yourself, but it takes work and determination. It helped me to give my H's alien persona a name and identity, because I didn't really know that person, and so it was easier to depersonalize his actions and find compassion for him. My name for H was Phantom of the Opera. Liz's name for her H was Woodtick. Maybe it might work for you?

You're giving your power away to your H, and even in the BEST times in our marriages, that's not a good thing. Choose for you. Set your boundaries. You can't make your H do anything, but you also don't have to participate.

Good luck sweetie! Make your day great!

SD