that rush takes away the "not right feeling" so they will do whatever keeps it at bay. its that addiction thing....
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
My H had erectile problems with OW not with me. Guilt was his problem.
When I found out about the A I initiated ML for me, (sex I guesss for him at that point). He tried to reject me but then found he couldn't. I do beleive it was a bit of a turning point for him. Before that time over the preceeding 18 months things had slowed down badly between us. I was suffering from depression and although was aware of the lack of intimacy I was trying to work on H and I interacting on a relationship level rather than a sexual level. H has always been the sort of person, (like myself), who didn't want to be intimate if we weren't getting on. Sex with Ow during Reminding him how good it was between us was the right thing to do. As far as I am concerned OW was the one who shouldn't have sex with my H NOT me.
I don't think I could have gone on for a prolonged period though with him doing cake eating. Infact as far as I am aware he was never intimate with OW again after our ML after dropping the bomb. I guess I am very lucky that it all went on whilst I wasn't really aware. I just wish he had kept the whole sordid thing a secret. Living with it still hurts so much. I think the betrayal is worse than the physical act.
saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Been gone all weekend and thought I would offer my opinion on this since I seem to be in the minority of people who are ML with their MLCer.
Notice I said ML - not have sex.
It's a tough call for me. Really tough. One I struggle with all the time. In fact H and I just talked about it this weekend. Should we keep going or should we stop? Was it healthy? Etc. Etc. We couldn't really come to a conclusion.
We both decided it was very intimate and emotional for us. It feels good on many levels and I truly believe it's what has kept a connection between us. When he came back the first time he even told me that ML was a big part of why he wanted to come home.
This quote really hit me.
Quote:
The MLCer who wants to be home but is feeling the addictive pull of OW/OM is a different situation from the one who is cake eating, and often times it's too confusing to figure out what's going on.
That's where I am right now.
Is he cake eating? I don't get that feeling from my H. I get the feeling that he wants to be home, but can't seem to pull away from OW.
We had a really good discussion on Friday about this very thing. H is very confused right now. He doesn't know what he wants to do. He misses me. He loves me. He misses the kids, but he loves her too and doesn't know if he wants to let her go or not.
He's clearly not ready to.
He's told me it's going to take him some time to sort some stuff out.
He told me that he's not going to ask me to wait for him as that would be unfair.
He doesn't want to give me false hope about anything because he truly does not know what will happen with his life.
When I left him after dropping the kids off on Friday he gave me the saddest yet most intense look.
There are a lot of other things there that I'll try to post later in my thread, but I honestly don't think he's a cake eater.
I think he's confused. Heck, I know he's confused. He's told me in so many words that he is confused.
Now whether or not I'm prolonging things my continuing the sex with him I don't know.
I don't think so. I don't think that anything we do can prolong it just like anything we do won't shorten it.
BFM
I think it just has to run its course.
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
Butterflymom, Looking back, I have to say that I gave my H the benefit of the doubt by looking at his invlvement with both ow and myself as an addiction. In actuality, there was also the cake-eating element; like a manipulative child, if he could have it all and get away with it all, he would have. It is part of the confusion and failure to mature and be responsible.
I don't feel there is one way do handle the sex dilemma. I do know that engaging in a sexual triangle can wreck havoc on self esteem.
I tried to have faith that the best part of him would win out. Addiction and/or cake-eating is no way to go through life.
As I have said before, the MLCer needs to have hope that there can be a sexual relationship. The maturity comes when they realize it's more about intimacy than sex, and that problems can be handled together rather than running away.
I was continuing to have sex/ML w/H up until recently when even though I felt "connected" and for 99% of the time I did not feel used...I felt I could not go on like this forever, which is how I feel his stated of confusion will take especeilly if I make it seem OK to sleeep w/ two women.
I guess the reason why I didnt feel "used" was b/c H is the type (sort of reversed roles here) like a woman...
I always wanted to have "make up" sex after we faught. H would hold on to his anger until the next day and refused to be touched by me. H is the type that if you make him angry or sad he simply doesnt have the mood it takes to ML.
Looking back at these past few months that H has wanted more and more sex w/ me its (IMO) b/c he has been fighting and having the REALITY day to day prombelms w/ OW. I feel inside me that their sex life was prolly close to none exciting at one point when were doing it all the time. I happen to put two & two together the other day of why? has he been wanting this so much? And it wasnt until D10 told me of how him & OW fight all the time and H even called Ow the B word!!
Now I have stoped all sexual encounters..I think simply b/c I feel like I really dont NEED it? H was sad I asked him to stop teasing me or pursuing me. You see all duting this He has been the one to iniate all the time. Some of the times when he didnt I woudl just give him "the look" and of we went.
I thought I was the one in our R w/ the highest sex drive b/c it seemed like I was the one doing all teh iniating, but H told me that was not the case..it was my "attitude" that would get in the way of him wanting to do anything... We use to argue alot, I would react to his every mood, but all that has changed. I have done alot of growing... So in ways I am thankful for this wake up call for me.
I do know that and it has probably meant we have been better about working on the M together but I have gotten very close to being a WAW at times since the bomb dropped.
Don't get me wrong. I love my H but sometimes I find it all a bit overwhelming.
saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
hell yeah saffie.....ive been sitting here wondering lately if i should ask H to move back out or at least back upstairs.....im very conflicted. Im back on anxiety meds. when they return is not all cut and dry. they are still conflicted. We have not ML since his return. we only 2x after the bomb. my guess is until the cow is completely gone it wont.
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
