More complicated than I imagined...

[Michael Mc C]

I know what you mean HFF. I have to get better at dodging, better yet, get better at catching that ball - anticipate it before she launches it at me!

Spent the last couple of days reading Frank_D's sitch from 2005/2006 (not sure if it continues into 2007, still reading). It has been very helpful in that I've been able to get a better grip on my contributions to my marriage's current state. It has been amazingly therapeutic for me. I don't mean to imply that I feel better about myself, far from it. I know from what W has told me how my faults have brought us here. What she hasn't told me, I can see through Frank's postings.

The real things, not the fact that I never fixed the ceiling, or that I take too much time cleaning the garage and that I'm never around for the kids (that one really hurt because I am always here for them!)

I think (and that really is a "think") I have a much better understanding of how W is feeling and what has really gotten us here. One of the big ones seems to be our dependence on one another for fulfillment that we should be looking within ourselves for. Granted, husbands and wives do need to fulfill one another but we cannot be the primary source of this!

I woke up this morning still feeling the affects of the epiphany I received while reading. I had a great day.

We took the kids pumpkin picking and I felt like the old "me" again. Joking around, taking family pictures, boosting the kids' egos and really being carefree for the first time in a long time (even before our sitch began). From the morning until now I have been very upbeat (getting tired now, upbeat is fading quick!)

W, on the other hand, was in a mood most of the day. It could be anything - thoughts of still feeling trapped here, not wanting to do "family things", missing the OM and, quite possibly, not liking the fact that I can still have a great day (and will continue having them) while we are going through this.

I think I may have found the "key" to my PMA. It came to me while reading last night: I started thinking about how much easier this would be if I happened to find someone new, something unexpected and just begin again with them. I knew immediately (well, almost) that this is not what I wanted nor needed. It wouldn't do me, "them" or my family any justice. The idea isn't to find someone new to fulfill me, the idea is to fix me so I don't NEED someone to give me all of my fulfillment!

So, as corny as it sounds, the new "love of my life" is me. I thought I knew me very well but I've decided to take some time to find out what really makes me tick. What is it about me that I like (love)? What things about me give the fulfillment I'm looking for? If I'm not fulfilled by me, then I'd better damn well get off my a$$ and do something about it.

This is the thinking that got me to my carefree/upbeat attitude today. I believe it can continue but even if (when) there are bad days, I'll have this one in my arsenal to help me get through.