Well, had my grandmothers stone unveiling today. I saw my grandfathers stone for the first time in a year.
After the viewing three different family members said to me that they just don't get it. Why is it that W and I seem so good with each other and yet we are not together. I told them because it is not what is meant to be. There was a lot of head shaking and looks of confusion.
I did feel a bit odd at the cemetery, I miss my grandpa... I actually wonder somewhat if I went into a bit of MLC when he passed away in 2002. It was shortly after his passing that I began to withdraw from my W and kids. I almost wonder if I was a bit lost at the time.
I am going to go up to the cemetery and talk to him tomorrow when I can be alone with his gravesite. This may sound odd to you all, but I need to spend some time talking to him. I think I missed out on telling him what he meant to me and I need to do that.
No I am not crazy, I know he won't answer. I just need to tell him. I miss his guidance and his gentle soul. He would have known how to talk to me about all this if he were still here. He was my mentor, my role model, and the man that I always tried to model myself after.
Crazy how you don't think about how someones passing may have affected you until way after it has happened.
I couldn't help but to think about what he would tell me to do right now regarding all that is going on in my life. I miss having that one man in my life who I could connect with and simply trust that he knew what he was talking about. \
In fact I can honestly admit that one of the things that hurt me the most through all of this is my thinking that he would have been so disappointed in me. That he would have never allowed me to behave in the way that I behaved for the last 2 years of my marriage. He would have sat me down and straightened me out and then some.
Anyway, enough of that stuff. What I know is that I need to get myself back on track and out of this mini funk that I have been in for the last week.
I find myself withdrawing right now and that is not healthy for me. I do not feel like I have been myself this week, Lissie bean can attest to that. She has asked me every day if I am okay, reality is I have said yes even though I know something isn't right with me, I am sorry Lissie Bean......
I have been questioning myself all week, wondering if I am doing the right things for my kids. Wondering what my motives are behind my decisions and questioning my own decisions.
I really need to get my head screwed on straight or I am going to end up in a place that I don't want to be.
I have made a mini list for myself this week, things to do to get out of this funk. Here it is:
1. Visit with my grandpa at his plot. 2. Spend one night solo with each of my kids doing something fun. 3. Make a list of expectations for my D14. 4. Evaluate my financial position and make a budget for myself. 5. Read "When bad things happen to good people" again. 6. Take one night for myself, maybe get away for a golf outing (this one's on you Kev)
Anyway, that is what I am going to try and get done this week. Maybe getting these items taken care of will help get me back on track and being Ian again.
Thanks for listening...... I know it was a ramble.....
