Help me thru this sitch

[Puddle]

Hey puddlemuddle snafu (I was going to shorten that but realized it would be pms... )

Welcome here. I see a couple things in your posts I'd like to respond to.

Then it took all the strength I had to hug him when he came in and I said "Glad your safe". And that was all I said. Before I would have cried and said where were you all night, how could you do that, blah blah blah.

This is excellent! Good for you, whether your knees were shaking or not. And I'm sure H was taken aback, which means he noticed a change. That is good.

Then my son left the room and my H said accusatorily, "so did your DATE pick you up or did you drive" He was asking because the gas gauge is on the same spot. (So he is monitoring my mileage and gas?) I said I drove and went to a Halloween party.

The WAS can be really strange in this way, I've found. H asked me once if I'd taken his car, since the odometer was three miles past what he remembered it had been. Whatever.

The fact of the matter is I spent a wonderful evening by myself at home, doing things for me, all those girly things we love to do. It was AWESOME!

Wait, so you *didn't* go to the party?

"first of all, I am NOT dating anyone, I don't need another person to make me feel good, boost my ego or validate my feelings right now

I'm with you right up to "anyone"; the rest sounds like it's pointed at H, as in "*I* don't need another person, but clearly *you* do..."

I am working on me and I feel damn good.

Excellent.

but we are still married and the new me would consider dating someone else cheating...unless we had both agreed on it together"

Not sure about this part. You guys are in a bit of a different place, where you've had other partners in the past by agreement, so it's a bit of a gray area. I think for clarity I might've said something like "I'd prefer that we agree to make our M exclusive," but clearly is not the time to say that, anyway. Again, I'm not really sure.

He had kind of a stunned looked on his face and didn't say anything, so I said, cheerfully "OK, well you two have fun riding". And I left for my walk.

The ending sounds really good. You said what you wanted to fairly briefly, and left cheerfully.

The only thing I'd say here is, in the future, wait for H to initiate the R convos. Show him the changes you're making instead of telling him about them.

I realized that in the past, when he comes in and asks me something, I just gave an indifferent answer and that was that. Also I remembered that when I would go out by myself or with friends and I as out all night, I would be careless about letting him know where I was and what I was doing. So I think he feels like he lost some of that control (knowing if I was safe and ok).

These are excellent insights! Keep on journaling and keep those insights coming, and it'll help you design your roadmap for what to change.

So now I am wondering if one of my 180s is to let him know exactly what I am doing, where I am and when I will be home, do you think?

That's an interesting thought. Normally the DB stuff says to do your own thing, stay a bit mysterious, etc, but if you've done that in the past and it's part of what came between you and H, I think it's a good idea. You don't have to go into too much detail: "I'm going to the drug store, then the drycleaners, then the post office...." but perhaps, "I'm running some errands and I'll be back by x" or "I'm going to dinner with some friends and will be back around x" might be something he'd appreciate. It'd be a 180 for you.

Also, I am now practicing being more responsive in our convos, being a reflective listener and showing him interest by explaining my days in more detail than I used to. Because thinking back a few years, I used to get so angry because he would call him mom or sister just to talk about his day, and I could NOT figure out why he wasn't telling me! But now I get it! D'oh!

Another excellent insight and 180 for you. Keep it up. What did you say H's LL is?

I am a sarcastic person by nature, but I have become aware that with his self esteem looming low, this just hits him hard, no that he tells me, but I can see it now. So I have been working on being a nice and proper lady when speaking

Sarcasm is poison to any relationship, be it with your H or your son or anyone else, so work hard on that one. Say what you mean clearly and directly. In the past I would've also said I'm sarcastic "by nature," but now I know it's not nature, it's mostly habit. Break it.

Oh, and don't give H any more books to read. You work on *you*, not him, and see what happens.

Take care.