Help me thru this sitch

[Pudmuddle]

Hi Sandi!

So good to see you on my post, I love your insight.

Well here's the way I see the whole swinging thing. About a year and a half ago when this all started, I feared that he was doing this so that he could "find" someone else and not have to deal with me. (I wasn't purdy back then - low mental attitude). Then we he met the OW he actually "dated" her and did not treat it like a swinging thing - which to me is, excuse my subliminal french here, it is an F me society, not a come date me and love me forever society. I could tell right off from the start that he had a really hard time with this concept. I could also tell that he was NOT making our marriage a priority any longer, hence we sat down together and talked about making our marriage a priority and I asked him to stop seeing her for a short bit. In hindsight I think maybe it was not fair of me to do this after we agreed to swing but I was feeling left out. But he agreed and broke it off, but was VERY emotional about it afterwards so I knew there was more to it than he let on. And in the old days, the old me snooped into his email and found out that she was still sending him emails, but he was not responding. But she said things like "I know how your current situation is, but I would like to see you" which hit me like ton of bricks. Obviously he had been telling her everything about our marriage!! Which was another rule that we both agreed we would follow: Never talk about your marriage, spouse or problems we are having. Well, apparently he did not follow that and he needed someone to talk to and it wasn't me...:(

So Sandi I think you are right on with your concept of swinging, because that is how I see it too, no emotions just sex stuff. But I think he used it as a way to find happiness elsewhere. In addition, we also discovered that the swinging world is "a woman's world". What I mean by that is that women have most of the control in that world, because they are the ones who attract others, and have the decision in who they will be with. Most men in the lifestyle, (not to lump men in a category again, but) are ok with having sex with most any woman.

My husband told me that this just blew him away and every time we came back from a lifestyle bar or event, he would seem extremely down on his ego and cranky. I think he couldn't, at the time control his M or me, and now he could not have control in the swinger lifestyle. So he ran(many, many times) to the only person who wasn't rejecting him. I also have seen him going through a MLC which has added to him thinking he wants out of what he has...ie., used to complain about balding, starting trying to keep in shape more, bought a streetbike, a convertible, etc, etc, and now he has a young hottie on the side.

He thinks his ego and self-esteem are just fine, but I see the insecure person. He is very proud and doesn't show feelings much, so he would never admit this.

I DO want to stay married to him sandi, I just can't imagine him not in my life in that capacity. Having him as just a friend, would make me feel terrible too.

So for right now I WANT him to see the OW as much as possible, so that their "R" can run its course and things will start turning. Romps in the hay are hardly my idea of a relationship but whatever.

update: So, after he spent the night at OW and my S10 had spent the night at his cousin's house, it was 10:00 the next morning before they came home...I had texted him earlier asking if I need to pick up our S. He had my S call me back and say they were on the way. Then when my S said:"ok here's dad", I hung up because I honestly had nothing to say to him.

Then it took all the strength I had to hug him when he came in and I said "Glad your safe". And that was all I said. Before I would have cried and said where were you all night, how could you do that, blah blah blah. See even saying it now bores me, lol. Takes so much energy! I was shaking like a leaf, but I didn't let him see and I just continued folding laundry. I think that took him aback, because I didn't get much after that.

I went into my bedroom and continued doing my beading work. I showed my son a new piece I had made so we were laughing and talking. My H came in 5 minutes later to see.

Then my son left the room and my H said accusatorily, "so did your DATE pick you up or did you drive" He was asking because the gas gauge is on the same spot. (So he is monitoring my mileage and gas?) I said I drove and went to a Halloween party. I went as a Sexy little devil (LOL). The fact of the matter is I spent a wonderful evening by myself at home, doing things for me, all those girly things we love to do. It was AWESOME!

Then he and my son were loading up to go dirtbiking, and I was going to go for a walk. I pulled him aside and said "Can you talk". He said yes and we went down the driveway so my S was out of earshot. Idon't know if this was right, but I am trying to show him that I am changing, so I said "first of all, I am NOT dating anyone, I don't need another person to make me feel good, boost my ego or validate my feelings right now. I am working on me and I feel damn good. Second, I know we have made mistakes in the past, but I can change the future me, and I'm not being judgemental but we are still married and the new me would consider dating someone else cheating...unless we had both agreed on it together" He had kind of a stunned looked on his face and didn't say anything, so I said, cheerfully "OK, well you two have fun riding". And I left for my walk.

So I hope he is out there riding and having all this work through his head.