There and Back #11

[mkultra]

I found another article in my Marriage archives on dating. It is not Homer , It is Dr. Huzienga of Break Free of the Affair. This is one of the Twelve Mistakes Left Behind Spouses Make To Prolong the Affair. This may also shed some light on your H's behavior and possessiveness. I do not believe he would be OK with you dating another. I think he is spewing a lot of crap. IMHO.

7) Give up opposite sex relationships
If your partner is involved in an affair, you most likely have the tendency to shun people of the opposite sex. There are a number of reasons for this.
First, you probably do not feel very attractive or desirable. As I’ve noted in other writings, being on the receiving end of an affair dumps self-esteem down the toilet.
Even if you had an interest in pursuing a relationship, this would get in the way.
An interesting phenomenon I observe very frequently is that the spouse having the affair sends a subtle or not so subtle message that only he/she is allowed to have an extramarital relationship. It is his/her domain.
If the offended partner begins a relationship with a person of the opposite sex, the person having the affair may become jealous and disturbed, sometimes extremely so. Make sense? No, but then again, not much about affairs makes sense.
You may hold back from having an opposite sex relationship because you believe it will only give permission to your partner to continue the affair and provide further ammunition for him/her to actually leave. This does occur, but only in particular kinds of affairs and, I believe, only in a minority of situations. It will NOT be a major factor in his/her decision to truly end the marriage.
Holding back from developing an opposite sex relationship typically indicates you are doggedly determined to focus on what your partner and what he/she is doing or not doing. You are riveted on this painful elusive relationship. It occupies your every moment and breath. To think of having a life of your own seems terribly foreign.
When I talk about having a relationship with someone of the opposite sex, I’m NOT talking about dating or sleeping around. Don’t jump off the bridge. But, there is such a thing as a healthy relationship with those of different gender. Actually, it’s fairly important to have those relationships without sexualizing them, or at least trusting yourself and the other person well enough to have a friendship that energizes.
You can learn a great deal. Your life will be enriched. You will have a life. And, it will be important to have this life in the future, with or without your partner present.
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