There and Back #11

[mkultra]

Hmmm, I do not know about that. My H grew up with a great Dad and basicaly speaks to me the same way. I think he is just a classic WAS, MLC, cheat. Remember those stages of infidelity? First there was demonizing. How they do that to the spouse. Then rewriting history. They base the history on their current feelings. Then Pushing Away. They can use finances or even cruelty to get us to stop loving them or waiting. Horrible Stage Four is Seeking Approval. This can even be by reaching out to family, Acting As If, even sex. Last Stage is Rebuilding. The let's get all the kids together and sing kumbaya.

[mkultra]

I found another article in my Marriage archives on dating. It is not Homer , It is Dr. Huzienga of Break Free of the Affair. This is one of the Twelve Mistakes Left Behind Spouses Make To Prolong the Affair. This may also shed some light on your H's behavior and possessiveness. I do not believe he would be OK with you dating another. I think he is spewing a lot of crap. IMHO.

7) Give up opposite sex relationships
If your partner is involved in an affair, you most likely have the tendency to shun people of the opposite sex. There are a number of reasons for this.
First, you probably do not feel very attractive or desirable. As I’ve noted in other writings, being on the receiving end of an affair dumps self-esteem down the toilet.
Even if you had an interest in pursuing a relationship, this would get in the way.
An interesting phenomenon I observe very frequently is that the spouse having the affair sends a subtle or not so subtle message that only he/she is allowed to have an extramarital relationship. It is his/her domain.
If the offended partner begins a relationship with a person of the opposite sex, the person having the affair may become jealous and disturbed, sometimes extremely so. Make sense? No, but then again, not much about affairs makes sense.
You may hold back from having an opposite sex relationship because you believe it will only give permission to your partner to continue the affair and provide further ammunition for him/her to actually leave. This does occur, but only in particular kinds of affairs and, I believe, only in a minority of situations. It will NOT be a major factor in his/her decision to truly end the marriage.
Holding back from developing an opposite sex relationship typically indicates you are doggedly determined to focus on what your partner and what he/she is doing or not doing. You are riveted on this painful elusive relationship. It occupies your every moment and breath. To think of having a life of your own seems terribly foreign.
When I talk about having a relationship with someone of the opposite sex, I’m NOT talking about dating or sleeping around. Don’t jump off the bridge. But, there is such a thing as a healthy relationship with those of different gender. Actually, it’s fairly important to have those relationships without sexualizing them, or at least trusting yourself and the other person well enough to have a friendship that energizes.
You can learn a great deal. Your life will be enriched. You will have a life. And, it will be important to have this life in the future, with or without your partner present.
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[SallyM]

mk, interesting article. I do have some male friends, not ones I would date (well, some are married, after all). if having a relationship with them is good for me, well, then I'll keep chatting with them. in fact, I need to call chris, think I'll go ahead and do that.

[mkultra]

You are kind of already doing that bying going to the GAL event remember? There were men there you did not sexualize, unless you are hiding something from us! Just kidding. But I think it was best you told the truth. I actually feel proud that I am home alone on my off nights making popcorn and hanging out with my brother and our kids. His loss.

I agree with Neph, that even thouh that convo took place nothing has changed. It is just as if the first bomb happened again. You were strong enough to pick up DB from the get go. You can continue with DBing. Nothing has changed. He is under pressure. That is good. There should be pressure put upon an affair.

You will be happy again with or without him. It can go either way. He leaves for a long time and you move on with your integrity knowing you did everything for a brighter future. Or he comes home quietly sooner than later because he misses you and the kids. Either way, we both need to get out there, IMHO. We can double date. I am scared too but we will get there.

[SallyM]

things are different now, mk, they feel different. then, it felt like there was a chance. now, honestly and truly it feels like he is moving on. he's done. thinking on it, he actually looked like he had a weight lifted off of his shoulders while he was here today.

he's going thru with it, all I can do is try to get the best deal I can. am going to e-mail him the names of the two mediators tomorrow. then the ball is in his court. it sucks, but looks like he is getting his way. but I'll be okay...just need to carve out a new way for myself.

and yeah, you are right, I met lots of great guys, as friends, at the db meet. no, nothing sexual about that night. nothing sexual in my life, other than frustration and an occasional lack of judgement when it comes to H.

what a difference from last weekend. seriously. I was all ready to ask how he is, to see if I could crack that window. we had unexpected sex. I felt that window seriously crack just a little and thought things might even get better. when wham, he slammed it shut and made sure the rest of the house was shut up tight. if anything, it feels like he spent the week digging a moat.

I'm very curious as to the trigger. wonder if he even knows it himself.

ahh, well, so it goes. another thing he said last night is that what he did was wrong (the affair) but its not a bad thing to divorce, tons of people do it after all.

and no, I didn't say, if they all jumped off a bridge, would you? pre-crucial conversations, I probably would have snarked exactly that.

[saffie]

I don't think we can understand what effect the OP has on them. I think that the OP can push so far, ( and in your case I get the feeling that that is what is happening at the moment), and our S's will go along with it and then suudenly they realise they are being pushed and don't like it.

To have gone from being intimate last week to this now makes me think OW is very insecure and pushing hard for a resolution. I don't believe she knows about your H and you being intimate, or the strain your H would be under now would be directed in another way. If you can get to being the one that isn't putting pressure on I think you may see another change in your H.

To enable himself to get through that meeting yesterday he probably had to demonise your M. I expect he loaded himself up with all the bad memories to enable yesterday to happen. He may find temporary relief but once the dust settles he will go into a personal spin I have no doubt. He will find that he cannot make peace with himself eventually. I am sure that is why so many couples actually get to D and then reconnect. At some point he will not be able to hide his inner turmoil from OW. She will be expecting him to be sweetness and light now he has done this - does he look like he feels that way to you?

He is such an idiot!!

Saffie

[Sara]

I agree with Saffie. But I think OW does at least suspect the sex with you. that's why the push to get him to break it off with you. And he does what she tells him.

[SallyM]

thanks saffie and sara. saffie, interesting points about keeping things pressure free here. as for him being sweetness and light to her, yeah, I mean, my impression of him today was that a weight was lifted off of him, and his mind seemed to be making all sorts of future plans, filled with happy visions of he and ow going forward. finally the limbo, the horror of being stuck with me or in between things, is coming to a close. but again, that is speculation, I don't know.

sara, I wonder if she does suspect him...hmmm. I mean, really, if a guy cheated on his wife with you, you have to be a little concerned on that front. that's one thing she'll never have...I had a man who was loyal for 12.5 years, who didn't sleep around. she can't say even their first year was like that.

of course, they could be together for 40 or 50 years of complete fidelity going forward. who knows. I do know that h and I are done sex wise. wow, did he make that clear yesterday. I don't know what on earth he was thinking.

I have so many questions swimming around my brain right now, but none that I will ask, because I think he'll either lie or just not answer, or it will just turn into a fight. its all stuff that loses my focus, anyway. just majorly curious on my part.

I still don't understand why he won't tell me where he is living. I mean, what's the point of an evasion on that front now????

[Trixi]

I still don't understand why he won't tell me where he is living. I mean, what's the point of an evasion on that front now????

Yeah, that seems weird to me. Is he concerned that you'll start stalking him or go postal on her?

[SallyM]

I know her address, he knows i know it. I don't see the point, personally. he knows I know he is living there, he just won't admit it for some reason. really really weird.

trust me, I'm tempted to drive out there some night (getting a friend to stay here with the kids of course) and leave a late night note on his car, just saying hi! lol.