very true, sara. he said straight out he doesn't like having all these obligations. they are killing him. nice, huh? but really, makes sense if you look at how he grew up. all of this does.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
very good question, neph. ow does have a son, one about 6 months older than our eldest. I'm not sure how being a stepparent will simplify things for him. she has split custody with her x, so she only has him every other week...maybe that helps? I didn't even think to ask. its funny, though, he still wouldn't admit to living with her...just said he was living out of a bag. I don't know why? trust me, it would have been among the least hurtful things he spewed at me.
or maybe its not really the kids at all, maybe its more about me. he still wants to spend time with the kids and such, I think really it all comes down (obgligation talk included) to me...he just doesn't want me. if I would just disappear, not the kids, just me, and he could insert ow in my place, I think he'd be pretty happy. for now.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Don't take his 'spew' to heart. He is looking for a means to justify what he is doing. I know what he has said about the children really hurts. It sounds to me like your H doesn't like not being the centre of attention. OW's child is not his responsibility even when it's around so he probably can try to ignore the child as much as possible.
At some point he is going to wake up and see what he has done. I just hope it's before he has alienated you and his children too far.
(((((((((HUS))))))))))
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Morgan. It seems another day that you dreaded has passed. Each time we brave these obstacles and triblations we get stronger and wiser. I am very proud of the way you handled it. Amazing.
Just look back on one of your threads. There was a lot of anxiety but mixed with a lot of other feelings. I hate that limbo feeling but at least it means we can have some hope. I am not sure if there is any hope left in one department so we will have to find hope in another place. Maybe it is true that our H's have become so comfortable in their new sick place that they can not see any way back. I started thinking it is as if they just turned gay. We really would not even try to compete with anyone for their choices after a bomb like that. It absolutely feels the same way, pretty hopeless when they are that far gone into depravity. Our H's are depraved. They are dead beats who are choosing to be children rather rthan to be real men because they have no idea how to be real men. They are choosing disgusting women who would have them because good women could not deal with how depraved they have become and they know it.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
thanks saffie. he does want to be the center of attention, and doesn't like being held accountable for anything. he grew up without a dad, without even knowing his dad (met him for the first/last time 11 years ago). he has no foundation at all of marriage, or even stability. he has a lot of things stemming from his childhood that make a lot of his behavior now uderstandable (not forgiveable, but understandable). the thing is, he always seemed to crave stability, he ran for what I offered, grabbed it, seemed genuinely happy about it for a very long time.
I suppose you always go back to what you know, unless you figure out a way to fix whatever deep-down demons you have.
just woke up from a dream. not a lot of sleep tonight, just a little here or there. in this one, I woke as if it were now, today, after yesterday, to find him in bed with me. we were in out old apt, though, the one we lived in when we were first married. I thought it was a dream, so we started to have sex. he actually tried to stop it a couple of times, but since I thought it was a dream (a dream within a dream), I went with it. then I realized it wasn't a dream (withing a dream), that he was really there. then suddenly it was over, the sex anyway, and i realized there were things out of drawers/all over the place. I got up and went into the kitchen and 2 giggling 20 year old girls came in the back door. I asked who they were, they looked stunned to see me, and said they were here to help H finish moving.
turns out, he had it planned all along, to just finish moving the rest of his stuff out, and he had never told me. the girls ran down the stairs (it was a second floor apt) and I realized one looked a lot like ow, but wasn't her, so i started hollering about how we were having sex and such, how we had been all along. H was upset. next thing I know i find myself out on our apt.'s deck to put something out there, but really to see what is going on. he's trying to explain to ow what I meant by sex and such. then I realize my parents are there. and some other people i know. and I realize that its really an intervention, to get me to finally let him go.
and that is why I shouldn't have gone back to sleep after my last waking.
sigh.
what a mess.
did i tell you that he said a man doesn't know what he truly wants in this world until he hits 35, and he was far too young at 27 to even think about getting married, to know what he wanted. (in real life, not in the dream)
my favorite gem of the night, though, was when he told me that this isn't fun at all. I looked at him like he was nuts and said I didn't think it was supposed to be fun. he said it could/should be, at least a little bit. (yes, he meant the breakup of our marriage, I made sure i understood wtf he was talking about).
oh, and when I mentioned out kids being from a broken home, he sneered at me because he thought the term broken home was a bit much, inaccurate. I told him that I wasn't up on the terms, but that's all I've ever heard it being referred to.
if I thought for one minute that this was making him happier, making him a better person, I don't know, maybe it would be easier to just let him go. he is just such a mess. he was looking worse and worse at one point last night, and he actually told me to stop looking at him with pity in my eyes. I do pity him...didn't know it was coming across, although I guess I do have a pretty expressive face. but funny, because I hate when he looks on me with pity.
and honestly, I am letting him go to an extent. but I haven't stopped loving him, and that is what he says he needs me to do.
or at least wanted me to do.
will see how fast the mediation appt gets made. I have a feeling now that the horse it out of the barn, it will happen rather quickly.
I'm scared for him, in a way. I think he's such a mess and I'm worried that he thinks divorcing me/being with ow will solve all his problems. but they won't. maybe they will be together for life, but everything he's done since being with her has been so unhealthy. its like he's a runaway train, going faster and faster. I wonder if he will ever realize what he is giving up here. as for alienating me, I'm almost there now. I am. I'm beginning to see him not as H, but as the alien, most days.
going to crawl back under the covers for a bit.
can I say, btw, I am completely irritated...I have a big old zit now. I never break out. I'm talking, I was the kid in high school who used moisturizer, not zit cream. sigh.
Last edited by morgan; 10/28/0710:44 AM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
Have you looked at the MLC forum and resources at all?
Some of the ladies over there are real strong and have loads of good advice. Brandnewday and some of the others has H's similar to yours and even worse and they came back.
I don't know how long you want to go with this but it might be worth chatting to some of them.
Your H seems to be doing and saying some typical MLC stuff. Rewriting history etc.
saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
mk, yeah, maybe you are right...they are so far gone, they can't even envision a path back, even with a beacon of light showing them the way.
its funny, at one point h was asking about one of the guys in my phone, the one he thinks I'm seeing (even though I did end up telling him I wasn't dating him). he asked if he was married. I did my best to keep things even keeled, was calm, not judgemental (gag) and said that I didn't want him to take this as a shot, but that I would never consider seeing a married man. its not an option for me. he, then told me that of course it wasn't an option for ow, either....she would never do something like that, it was just one of those things, he's her first married man (first ones free!) and all that crap. I smiled and nodded and kept the conversation safe, but oh how my mind went elsewhere. ass.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
saffie, oh yeah, typical mlc in a lot of ways. I get that, I really do. he doesn't see it at all. I think I'm at the point that he is going to have to figure it out for himself.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
