There and Back #11

[SallyM]

thanks saffie. he does want to be the center of attention, and doesn't like being held accountable for anything. he grew up without a dad, without even knowing his dad (met him for the first/last time 11 years ago). he has no foundation at all of marriage, or even stability. he has a lot of things stemming from his childhood that make a lot of his behavior now uderstandable (not forgiveable, but understandable). the thing is, he always seemed to crave stability, he ran for what I offered, grabbed it, seemed genuinely happy about it for a very long time.

I suppose you always go back to what you know, unless you figure out a way to fix whatever deep-down demons you have.

just woke up from a dream. not a lot of sleep tonight, just a little here or there. in this one, I woke as if it were now, today, after yesterday, to find him in bed with me. we were in out old apt, though, the one we lived in when we were first married. I thought it was a dream, so we started to have sex. he actually tried to stop it a couple of times, but since I thought it was a dream (a dream within a dream), I went with it. then I realized it wasn't a dream (withing a dream), that he was really there. then suddenly it was over, the sex anyway, and i realized there were things out of drawers/all over the place. I got up and went into the kitchen and 2 giggling 20 year old girls came in the back door. I asked who they were, they looked stunned to see me, and said they were here to help H finish moving.

turns out, he had it planned all along, to just finish moving the rest of his stuff out, and he had never told me. the girls ran down the stairs (it was a second floor apt) and I realized one looked a lot like ow, but wasn't her, so i started hollering about how we were having sex and such, how we had been all along. H was upset. next thing I know i find myself out on our apt.'s deck to put something out there, but really to see what is going on. he's trying to explain to ow what I meant by sex and such. then I realize my parents are there. and some other people i know. and I realize that its really an intervention, to get me to finally let him go.

and that is why I shouldn't have gone back to sleep after my last waking.

sigh.

what a mess.

did i tell you that he said a man doesn't know what he truly wants in this world until he hits 35, and he was far too young at 27 to even think about getting married, to know what he wanted. (in real life, not in the dream)

my favorite gem of the night, though, was when he told me that this isn't fun at all. I looked at him like he was nuts and said I didn't think it was supposed to be fun. he said it could/should be, at least a little bit. (yes, he meant the breakup of our marriage, I made sure i understood wtf he was talking about).

oh, and when I mentioned out kids being from a broken home, he sneered at me because he thought the term broken home was a bit much, inaccurate. I told him that I wasn't up on the terms, but that's all I've ever heard it being referred to.

if I thought for one minute that this was making him happier, making him a better person, I don't know, maybe it would be easier to just let him go. he is just such a mess. he was looking worse and worse at one point last night, and he actually told me to stop looking at him with pity in my eyes. I do pity him...didn't know it was coming across, although I guess I do have a pretty expressive face. but funny, because I hate when he looks on me with pity.

and honestly, I am letting him go to an extent. but I haven't stopped loving him, and that is what he says he needs me to do.

or at least wanted me to do.

will see how fast the mediation appt gets made. I have a feeling now that the horse it out of the barn, it will happen rather quickly.

I'm scared for him, in a way. I think he's such a mess and I'm worried that he thinks divorcing me/being with ow will solve all his problems. but they won't. maybe they will be together for life, but everything he's done since being with her has been so unhealthy. its like he's a runaway train, going faster and faster. I wonder if he will ever realize what he is giving up here. as for alienating me, I'm almost there now. I am. I'm beginning to see him not as H, but as the alien, most days.

going to crawl back under the covers for a bit.

can I say, btw, I am completely irritated...I have a big old zit now. I never break out. I'm talking, I was the kid in high school who used moisturizer, not zit cream. sigh.