Let me start with this afternoon I was laying in the bed at my house forcing my wife to hold me. I was curled up in a ball crying like a man who was hurt.
"That which don't kill me only makes me stronger"
How do we loose sight of who and what we are. I am burried beneath an obstacle that seems immovable. I want to move it. I long to move it. I can't. I see that what I have been doing is not working. It feels so safe. It's gotta work. I have never felt so alone in my entire life. I have wanted to be left alone so much and now I am. And I hate it. I was looking for the old me. The old me does not exist anymore. Dig as deep as I could I could not find him. He has changed. Sometimes I think for the worse.
My friend that I have been pulling away from called me today and said "I found a pimp costume that is all you" I told him I did not have the money to buy it. He told me "I am making new memories" He spent over $90 on me and took me out. I appreciate it so much. He wants me to be me. He has watched me stop being me. I squandered what could have been a great night. This GAL is what it is all about. It is F'ing hard to GAL under all this stuff. I peek out at times. I just can't seem to hold on. It slips away.
My wife told me today that she has no emotion. They are gone. Just gone. She is not sad or happy or anything. Funny thing is I actually believe her. I see it in her.
I am my own worst enemy. People can see the hurt from a mile away. It is very unattractive. Scary guy. He is the guy that just comes up and says "Wanna Do It"
I am spinning this night like you would not believe. Somehow this is gonna make me stronger. It is gonna make a better me. I hope it comes soon. That is the selfish part of me coming thru. Hell at this point I just hope it happens.
So many random thoughts I have. I am F'ing crazy. LOL
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
