Now I've done it...again #5

[SallyM]

its gloomy here, too, neph.

hope you like c.c.

totally get that itch...wow, did you nail your pattern the other day, btw.

don't think too much about the private caller...sometimes a hangup is just a wrong number.

[nephartiti]

Thank you, Morgan. With everything you are going through today, You still came to see me? That says a lot about what a caring wonderful person you are. Thank you.

Yes, I am thinking the hang up was a wrong number. It was just weird at 2 AM. That is not H's style.

I'm keeping myself busy today, then plan on journaling if the itch gets to strong in the quiet hours of the night. Going to write those letters that you don't send, just to get it out somewhere.

[mkultra]

Weird to get a hang up after the bars close? Probably a wrong number but still....Hmmm. I still think the ball is in both of your courts. It does sound like a classic affair when you spell it out. My H went through the same exact lies and time line and then slowly and confirmed the affair little by little. I even told him I knew that is what he would from whatI already knew about affairs! And he just went ahead and did it little by little with sprinkles of lies. So idiotic.

Neph, It pains me to hear how bittersweet your time with your newborn has been. I hope you can look back on this timea as a time where youwere the most wonderful mother in the world because you did everything in your power to give your children a wonderful life. I always thought women who raised children on their own as brave and strong. I never saw them in a negative light but secretly was glad that was not me. Now that I am pretty much a single mom I see how everything is intensified butI am much more grateful. I see all those ungrateful moms and wives out there complaining about something petty and I think never again. I will appreciate all I got. I bet you feel that way too. Don't give up. It is not over until it is over and even then it may not be over.

[nephartiti]

Oh boy do I hear you about the petty stuff. That used to be me. Never again.

I'm not giving up, but I don't feel there is anything left I can actively do while there is no contact. I just feel it's over. It's just a feeling I can't seem to shake.

[nephartiti]

The house is quiet. S2 is asleep. I just burned an entire pot of beans. I have tons to do, but can't seem to get motivated to do any of it.

Starting to feel the resentment bubbling. I'm going to try writing a letter. I wil not call. I will mot text. NO CONTACT. I AM DARK. I AM DARK. I AM DARK. I MUST BREAK THE CYCLE. I WILL BREAK THIS CYCLE.

S2 is waking up. My hero

[nephartiti]

Ok, he went back to sleep. So, I have been dark since Tuesday when I sent a text regarding depositing some money into the acct. I did send a couple of kid pics yesterday morning. Nothing today. He is going longer and longer without contact. I think it is getting easier for him. I never thought he'd be able to walk away from his children like this. I really didn't.

Going to write that letter now.

[SallyM]

write the letter...just no sending the letter.

[nephartiti]

I was in the middle of writing that letter (with the intention of burning it) when my SIL, Bro and nephew stopped by. We ate dinner and are now carving Jack-O-Lanterns. Thank goodness for family! You know, they would have never hung out like this when H was here. This is a silver lining.

OK, back to the pumpkins.

[nephartiti]

I woke up at 3:4? AM from a night full of H dreams. The images are vivid, but I can't seem to remember any real details. I just see his face. I know, in the dream, it was pretty much the same as my reality except we were speaking it, living it in each other's presence instead of separately. He was saying he wanted to work things out, but then I would find out he was still with OW. Then I would confront him and he would say he was trying to fix things with me. Then I would find him with OW. What a mess!

Going to try to go back to bed. The kids will be awake soon.

[SallyM]

oh neph, I'm so sorry. its a full moon, maybe there is something in that.

hope you get a bit of sleep.

(in spite of it, glad you had a nice evening!)