There and Back #11

[nephartiti]

Morgan, (((HUGS))) I am soooooooo proud of you. I don't know what else to say except that you are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. You did everything right. I bet he's in a tail spin trying to figure you out.

It really gets me how he complains that you cannot let him go because he so obviously holds on to you in so many ways. It seems like you have him pegged though. He is a "messed up" "wreck".

I'm sorry that you find yourself here, but you can hold your head up high. You are a spectacular woman and you've given your marriage 110%. It still isn't necessarily "over", but, for your own sanity, it might be best to look at it that way.

I wish I could be there to give you a great big hug. Sharing a glass of wine and cookie dough might help too.

[Ohio_Mark]

Morgan-

I disagree that it's over. If it was "over," you would have been served by now.

You are in his head. The WAS textbook says that leaving is easy. The LBS begs and pleads, and is unattractively needy, and it's a cinch to leave.

That's not you.

I agree that it sucks. It's awful. But, believe me, you won the battle today. He is on his heels. Does that mean he is going to have a change of heart? Who knows. But, at the very least, you are making it very difficult for him to move forward.

Hey, we all want to be happy. And we all push away things that intrude on our enjoyment of life. Your husband is no different, so if he really believed that he can't imagine life without her in it and he doesn't want this life (with you...home/family)... he would have visited the courthouse already, and you would be posting in the "surviving" forum.

Although it may indeed be over, you owe it to yourself and to your children to be able to say that you did your very best to save your family.

Some things are just outside of our control.

[Trixi]

(((((((((((((((((((Morgan))))))))))))))))))))))))

That's all I can really say right now. You know my sitch, so my frame of mind is not good AT ALL.

I am soooooo sorry you are going thru this. This sucks.

[SallyM]

thanks. but I don't see the hope...this was a man who was finding his balls finally. when he blurted out about the mediator, he was really relieved with himself. i could tell it hurts him to do it, frustrates him that I am making this hard for him, adding to his guilt and all that, but wow, he is a man on a mission.

I'm going to stay the course. I am. but I know its over.

not sure what to do about the budget. that is not something I want to rush thru, of course. will give it some thought this week. lots to consider. especially since this might influence whatever settlement I get. jackw, if you are out there, curious as to how you think I should handle this since you are in the same state and dealing with this. do you think I should do a budget, or flat our ask for a certain %? (anyone else, feel free to chime in, too, please)

my other question is, I have the names of 2 mediators that were recommended to me. I'm automatically more comfortable with them, I'm sure he will use ow's mediator to set the meeting up with. unless, of course, I say, "I want him." but at the same time, shouldn't I just sit back, not say anything until he makes the appt.???

god this sucks. it does.

but nope, no begging or pleading. no tears. just hope. he told me to choke on that, btw. nice, huh?

[SallyM]

btw, I did ask why the sex. if he wants me to let him go, why the sex? he said he just likes sex. I said, well, why with me then? if he wants me to let go (and he was very verbal) he had to know that would keep me attached. and why ask me to look at him during it? why that connection? he said he would never have sex with me again, and didn't remember the "look at me" stuff.

[nephartiti]

ouch on the sex, thing, but I don't belive him. That is BS.

I don't know anything about your state, but I would set a budget. Even if you end up asking for a percetage, it should be based on financial need. Either way, a budget would be good to have on hand. You always exaggerate your expenses. Ask for more than you actually need. Remenber, the COL will keep going up. Your children will cost more as they get older. Ask for more because he is bound to try to negotiate less.

This is so ugly. I know it's not what you want.

Your H, if he keeps with his pattern will probably drag his feet some more, so take your time on the budget. Then hold onto it until he asks for it again.

As for the mediator... if you want him to do the work, then see what you think of the one he chooses. If you don't like that one, suggest another.

[Ohio_Mark]

Morgan -
Before you do anything with respect to a budget, I suggest that you speak to a lawyer. Tell the lawyer you are going to use a mediator, but you need to protect yourself.

I need to say this: Morgan, I am not trying to give you false hope. Perhaps my downfall here is my career - I am in sales, so I always see hope that I can "get the deal." I am sorry if it comes across that I am a "ray of sunshine in a downpour."

But, at this point, I think you need to see a lawyer. It will be money well spent.

[saffie]

Morgan,

I am so sorry you are in this place.

Once again you have taken the high road and acted fantastically.

Honey, this may or may not be over, but one things for sure, you don't need the man he is at the moment. Let him go and see what he becomes; with any luck he will wake up and return to the man you love and want. He is someone else at the moment.

((((((((HUGS)))))))

Saffie

[care]

Hey there, As 5pm approached I was thinking about you sending good mojo your way.

You did AWESOME. You put things back on him but not in a defensive way or deflective way, but you made him think.

You don't know if he just doesn't have the cojones to actually file or if there is some doubt left where he doesn't want to despite what he says. This is where he is now. You cannot solve this for him in any way. He has to do this all on his own.
In fact, I'd check things out first about giving him what your expectations are for monetary support. What would it hurt for you to ask him to first draw something up that you'll then review? This way, you are putting the ball back in his court.

Just a thought.

You know you can call if you need to talk... I'm just hanging watching the Sox.

[SallyM]

thanks all.

I did talk to 2 different lawyers last spring, and know pretty much what I would get if we went with a standard divorce. if I'm going to go thur mediation, i want a better deal, simple as that.

going to give it a lot of thought, that's for sure.

mark, my h is in sales, too, and boy, he's a crappy deal closer, isn't he? who knows, maybe this will sharpen his skills. but he sure wanted the sale made for him, he doesn't want to do it, certainly not without a lot of resentment. he actually yelled at me that once again he's the one making the tough choice.

f-er

care, too tired to talk, just talked myself out to my friend and my therapist. I'm exhausted, but I appreciate the offer. I really do. I may still give you a call tomorrow if you are around, or this week if that is better.

thanks to all of you for thinking of me. I swear I pictured you all in my corner. It helped.