well, he just left. I'm having a good cry now, so if I don't make a lot of sense or am all over the place, that's why. I want to say first off that for the first time in my life in a confrontation/crucial conversation I did not 1)run from it, 2) become sarcastic, 3) become emotional. in fact, at first the talk was really good...a really good exchange on both sides.
he got here about 10 minutes late, and I was ready on the couch with my notebook, water bottle, pillow, throw (little props for me to fiddle with if necessary, a good thing, all of them).
I know I'm shilling this book like crazy, but I have to say, had I not read it, or at least the half I got thru, and really thought about it/processed it, I would not have done half as good tonight. not even close, in fact. I almost wish I had it all on video. this was a huge night for me...I kept my focus, only twice did I get caught up a bit and start to shift from it, to follow the bait he was throwing, but both times I was able to get back on track.
I let him talk mostly. that again is huge for me. and I asked questions back at him instead of answering a lot of them. it was a really good dialogue at first...actually, a really good one. he is a wreck, he is so obviously messed up. but he is very clear, at least in his mind, on these points:
he can't imagine life without her in it
he doesn't want this life...home/family
he can't imagine ever getting to a place of wanting to come back.
he is bullsh!t that I won't let him go.
he wants to be left alone in general
the reality (he said) is that he just wants to be left alone by me.
he thinks I'm a f-ing loser for still wanting him
the only reason he wants to know if I'm dating is not because of safety, but because he wants to relieve his own guilt...if I'm with someone, all is fine in his world. btw, I did end up telling him I wasn't dating anyone. didn't answer who the guys in my phone are, said they were friends that I met. he asked if I met them online, I acted appalled. lol.
he's sick of living in limbo, and its my fault he is. probably doesn't matter because he's either going to have a heart attack or put a bullet in his brain.
he said many times, asked when I would be able to just let him go. at one point I said I was wondering why it was necessary for me to let him go.
he basically said he doesn't have the balls to ask for the divorce, is pissed that I won't, he started ranting at me at one point about it, in fact, and at least that time I was able to steer him back to dialogue.
I don't even know what else to say. he was here for over 2 hours, about an hours worth of good, productive dialogue. and then it all went to pot because he is mad because even though he won't say what he wants, its not going how he wants it to go...I have to be the one to do it.
finally, toward the end, he found his balls a bit and blurted out that he wanted us to meet with a mediator to find out the process. I told him my canned response, "this is not what I want, but I understand you feel the need to do this." he went off on me about that a bit, then I said that I wouldn't hinder him in any way if he wants a divorce (the only time that word came up) but I do not have to want it. I agreed to go to the mediator.
he lost it a bit around this part of the conversation...really, emotional, swearing at me, wtf was it going to take for me to let him go, etc, etc.
he wants me to put together a budget for me to live on. I told him I'd need to give it some thought and would get back to him. he was affronted that I didn't have that info at my fingertips. I told him I would have been happy to, if I had known he had wanted it for this meeting.
he was mad I didn't have more to contribute. I pointed out that he called the meeting, not me.
at the end he became verbally abusive and I walked away. he started to taunt me about my old habits of walking away, and I turned around and told him calmly but firmly that one thing I have learned is that it is okay to walk away from abusive conversations, which this was turning into. he did NOT like the use of that word, but it is what it is.
he left, pissed.
Last edited by morgan; 10/27/0711:54 PM.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
