Snodderly - that is so true. In every way [except perhaps the sex - from what I hear, the OW is verging on the nymphomaniac!]
But I actually no longer obsess about the OW - I did, but about six months ago I just stopped. I realised that she wasn't worth my head space. I know what she is like for a lot of reasons, but I think about her VERY seldom. I think about my h more, because I had a long and happy time with him, and am actually sad to see him like this, and sad for the damage he has caused to those who love him.
It is absolutely true that my h was HORRIFIED that I was able to truthfully say I was happy and fulfilled in my life! Not the script at all!
And, as I have posted elsewhere I absolutely know if it were not her it would be someone else. He was an affair waiting to happen, because of his insecurities and miseries.
I am cross in general with these emotiional leeches, but can see they are damaging and damaging to those around them, including their own children [who are probably the next generation of MLCers!]
I realise that I supported a very damaged man for a long time, and facilitated [I don't think I encouraged it] a co-dependency that was unhealthy. DUring that time I became in some way his mother/authority figure, and when my mother died it all fell apart for him . . and then his eldest son got engaged to a very lovely girl.
Something happened . . .he became the older generation and he wasn't ready for it. . . that together with career problems, and the health scare [predictably 18 months prior] just sent him off the rails. . .
Well, since Dr 6th Sense qualifies in his own category of "crazed" and not really MLC, I might chime in for kicks.
He is definately an extreme drop-out. I literally don't exist, and he will go to great lengths to avoid me and any contact with any part of our formerly joined lives.
Now, when pushed about his lack of contact, he points to my actions and says "Always cut me out of her life completely, went incognito, and never tried to contact me." I did that out of his request and his repeated rejection to my attempts to contact him. And, eventually, self-preservation kicked in.
The sudden and extreme abandonment was really hard at first, only partially. Partially, it was a relief b/c the prior 9 months of living with him had been a pure hell since the bomb dropped.
While the rejection hurt then, unbearably, I see now that ultimately he was (and still is) very toxic for me. Toxic b/c when I hear his voice or see him, it still yanks me back to thinking he is the same person I once knew. And, to take what he says/does now at that level is dangerous and crazy. It was like going cold turkey from some horrible drug that deluded you. Considering this, I am grateful for the extreme nature of his drop-out. Also, it protected me from witnessing or experiencing his actions and out-of-control life now.
I think I can safely say that I will never hear from, speak to, nor see this man ever again in my life.
Snodderly, this post that you wrote to Angelica is so well said. It should be in the resources thread.
Quote:
having fun is what they are looking for in the "married" spouse that they are w/at that time.
This is true. From what I have heard, my H and her act like two teenagers when they are together. It's all about having fun. My H even said this to my boys, that having fun is the most important thing.
Quote:
The mlcers are looking for a pal, someone to pal around w/to have fun, spend money and lash out at the world.
Yes, yes, and yes!
What concerns me is the fact that my H and her do so many hobbies together. He has said that they have a lot in common. What if they always feed off each other's needs? Do you think that can happen with my H and ow?
Mrs. H, Eventually the feeding frenzy will cease. They will need to come back to the real world and business as usual has to go on. When they are together, the outside world ceases to exist, i.e., they are in another world, responsibilities, cares, bills, etc. are put on the back burner. Eventually reality will set in.
It's very true that the less you say about the ow to him or anyone else, the sooner the rose colored glasses will be removed. Remember, the more you talk about her to him, the more he's apt to defend her and be there as her best bud. They are in the rescue mode and want to be their all to these other people.
Annoying habits will come to light, for they can not remain the a-one perfect person for a long time. Their flaws will come to the surface the warts and moles and cracks in the personality will begin to show. For some, it takes a short time, others a long time, but it will happen. Their house can not withstand the sand of lies that it is built on for a very long time. We just have to be patient and allow nature to take its course.
Jeanette, I have done this, and he runs very fast and very far. I have told him that I love him, and that drives him away. he seems to want assurance that I don't want him back.
he says things like 'I want us to meet as friends' I have no objection to seeing you as long as I don'thave to sleep with you. ' Does this answer your question.
I am guarded, because if I let my guard down he gets really frightened.
Yes A, it answers my question, however it makes no sense. Not that I expected an sensible answering considering.....
He seems to go out of his way to make you miserable and tell stories to friends/neighbors/garbage collectors, so in my eyes he is very much interested in you.
Just pondering the different actions they seem to take in order to get away from us.....yet they still keep contact even if it's in the form of an angry email, VM or via someone else. This is a very strange way of wanting assurance that you don't want him. It's as if he's attempting to show you how deeply miserable he is.....
So, your tidying the bedroom.....I'm doing the bathroom and linen closets. It's boring, yet peacfully rewarding.
Change the Policy. Allow PM's Free all of us.
Also some new and improved emoticons would be nice!
My dear Jeanette - I KNOW it makes no sense, no sense at all. At some deep level he cannot access he loves me deeply, but he is terrified of the strength of that emotion. I think [and this is only a theory] that he is afraid of emotional abadnonment, so that rather than leave himself open to the possibility that I might leave him, he has left me. That way he won't have to live in permanent fear of my going . . . The worst has happened. If he lets me back into his life he re-opens himself to the fear of abandonment.
So he wants me in his life, but as A friend - a force that HE can control. The love and passion tha he felt for me he can't control. Wha he feels for the OW is disposable, and he isn't too hooked. Except that it became an addiction at some point .. . .
Look I don't KNOW all this, it is just what sems to be going on. He has to hurt me, I know that; he doesn't seem able to leave the OW alone. He is lost and guilty and ashamed, and spinning. . . . ..
I have really tried the tender and loving, but it terrifies him. Goodness this is weird. I have let out more on this thread than in the last two years.
I haven't had time to read anything 'cept your first post but my h still wants to have sex with me. He says he still wants to have another baby with me. We just can't live together becuase we p1ss each other off too much.
He has said that he is addicted to sex _with me_ and that just being near me makes him horny. That makes me uncomfortable and I can't explain why. At least I can't explain it to him in a manner that he will understand.
My dear Jeanette - I KNOW it makes no sense, no sense at all. At some deep level he cannot access he loves me deeply, but he is terrified of the strength of that emotion. I think [and this is only a theory] that he is afraid of emotional abadnonment, so that rather than leave himself open to the possibility that I might leave him, he has left me. That way he won't have to live in permanent fear of my going . . . The worst has happened. If he lets me back into his life he re-opens himself to the fear of abandonment.
So he wants me in his life, but as A friend - a force that HE can control. The love and passion tha he felt for me he can't control. Wha he feels for the OW is disposable, and he isn't too hooked. Except that it became an addiction at some point .. . .
Look I don't KNOW all this, it is just what sems to be going on. He has to hurt me, I know that; he doesn't seem able to leave the OW alone. He is lost and guilty and ashamed, and spinning. . . . ..
I have really tried the tender and loving, but it terrifies him. Goodness this is weird. I have let out more on this thread than in the last two years.
Hugs, A
Well good for YOU! This is what this place is about..letting it out, pondering over these weird situations we face day to day. So.....LOL, forgive me but I am picking away your brain here...but he wants you as a friend, but his actions are not even friendly! So it looks to me as he is flailing around and doesn't know WHAT the hell we wants....even as a friend he cannot control you.
I noticed that you've spoken to BND about the "intellectual" ones. So have I. I've noticed some patterns in the more "analitical" spouses. Seems as if your H chose a well known easy lay...as IT is something that yes, is easily disposed of as apparently she's been "disposed" many times. I too think he is ashamed of his actions, but he very afraid of showing his true emotions so he lashes out in anger.
In a weird way, I'm starting to believe his "Pushing" you is perhaps a (I'm going out on a weak limb here" is a cry for help?
Hehehe....oneday all those pieces of the puzzle will fit together enough to make a "theory" of what the hell happened!
Cheers!
Change the Policy. Allow PM's Free all of us.
Also some new and improved emoticons would be nice!
