I've now had a couple of days now to reflect on the latest events on this wild ride. On Wednesday we (the W and I) had a counseling session with a psychologist at a (nationally recognized) center for childhood development. I sought this place out on a referral because of our S6, who has Aspergers. It turns out this organization does not really deal with Aspergers, or rather they are not equipped to focus on that condition, but they do help children and their families try to cope with behavioral problems.
W met for the first time with the therapist (T) last month, and until she found out that W and I were separated, she had reservations as to whether they could help us. Only once she realized that we were separated and the marriage was in jeopardy, were they interested in helping us.
Well, this week we met again with the objective of going over the issues that were leading to the familial strife impacting S6's day-to-day behaviors. The therapist explained again that her role was to not side with either parent, but to act as an advocate on behalf of our S6's interests.
My W leveled another set of accusations against me in front of another person. Again she took the opportunity to rake me over the coals in front of a stranger, and make me out to be the one who is impossible to live with. She did this with S6's teachers and briefly in the first session with this therapist. This time she again got to vent her dissatisfaction with me. The difference this time is that she was again on the tact of getting other people to try to admonish me for opening up to S6, just as she had done with S6's teacher a couple of weeks earlier. She was again berating me for effectively calling her a liar in front of our son and trying to get him to take sides in our argument. W again accused me of trying to put our 2 S's and our family between us, in a matter she considered to be "adult business."
Disturbingly, T agreed with W that the M was something that was coming to an end, and given the arguments between we parents, the separation was a necessity to reduce exposure to our S's. (This alarmed me because this was way too early in our conversation for T to come to this conclusion -- which leads me to question whether T is too much an advocate for divorce herself. That would not be helpful.)
The T agreed with W's basic complaint that what I did might be harmful to S6, not for the exact reason W felt, but because it did put S6 into the confusing predicament of having to decide whether one parent was truthful or not. T said "S6 needs his mother," as if I had to be told that. She said S6 is likely acting out because he feels now that his mother is not being truthful. I conceded the point because I would not want to do anything that would ultimately harm our S's. But I also said that this was trying to choose between the lesser of two evils or wrongs against our S.
Unlike before, I did not zip my lip this time when W tried to get the other person to take her side and gang up on me. I calmly stated my case that this was indeed a difference of opinion, and if I contradicted W's words to our S's, that is not my fault. I had not called W a liar -- I merely told my S, who was parroting her slant on the "facts", that they were just not true. If that led S6 to conclude that Mommy was lying, I was sorry.
But I stated that I also felt it important to not hide the full truth from our S's either, since when, not if, they find out the truth one day, S6 is not going to care that he was "only 6 1/2 years old" -- he's only going to care that his parents split up the family and hid the truth from him. I was not prepared to sacrifice my future relationship with my S just because W wants to play this off as some joint decision between the two of us when it most certainly is not.
I started to break down in tears at this point; it took me several moments to re-gather my composure to be able to continue. I feel that my relationship with my S's is all I have left. I don't want to jeopardize their trust in me -- just as my own father had done years ago -- but if it was in their best interest I would sacrifice that, and I would continue to be complicit in this cover-up if that was truly best for our 2 S's.
The T wanted to get to the bottom of why I felt this was a threat to my future relationship with my S's and their trust in me. Ultimately she got out of me that since I had been the one to actually sacrifice to leave our home to satisfy W's demand for a separation, I feared they would some day blame me for being the one who actually physically left. I also feel the truth is important, and my S's will feel that way too -- I am not the one who wants this separation or D. Despite what W pretends, the OM is a factor in this, in that W has no incentive to fix the M/R.
W kept trying to say to me -- and T -- that what I said to our S's was not true. That I had no way of knowing what the future would hold, so how could I make such "ridiculous" predictions. (On the other hand she also said that our arguments were proof to her that she could never live with me ever again.)
I replied that I was merely using W's own words and actions. W stated for me immediately after the bomb exactly how she expected things to go down: We would be separated for a year, we would then divorce and go our separate ways. She also had a chance to be happy with OM. That's what she said then. Since then, although I have tried what little I could on my behalf, she has done absolutely nothing herself to change this course, so how could she say it could turn out any differently?
In fact in her own dealings with our S's W has been sending mixed messages, which I stated to T. She has been introducing the concept of an older brother, a blended family and a new life out in the country, including a new tree house. W again tried to rebut this, saying I was mistaken and that S6 had gotten confused about their conversations, but I reminded her that she had said as much to me herself.
We ended our session about that point. The T left it up to me to decide how and when to proceed. She said that she did not feel she could help S6 directly at this time, not until this situation with his parents could settle down. But for now she felt she could best help S6 by trying to talk to the two of us. I am to schedule the next session with her when we are ready.
I am not sure I feel this is going to be helpful or not, not anymore. I am not too sure I want to have an avenue for W to beat me up over our failed R (with my insurance footing the bill, no less) when it won't have any positive effect on our M. On the other hand, if it would truly help S6, then I am willing to consider it. I just don't know at this point.
Later that afternoon, W had to call me at work. She mentioned some other business and then rather than let the conversation end she asked me, "So what did you think of our conversation with the T?"
I was silent for a moment, then said, "What do you mean?" W said, "You do understand what she was saying, that putting S6 and S2 between us is harmful, right?" She said this in a gloating, provocative, "Nyah, nyah, in your face" manner.
I got a bit upset that she was taking such delight in being able to deride me. I told her that I had already apologized over and over for any harm I might have caused, but her continuing to dredge up these ill feelings were just so very hurtful. She launched again into another R talk and history revision. She was saying at one point (again) that I killed the M and that she was done and that I could not/would not accept that our M was over. I stopped her and said, "No, that's where you're wrong. I agree with you that this M is over. That M is dead and I don't ever want to go back to that." I really wanted to tell her I would never go back into a M with this person she has become, because it's too d*mn painful.
I come away from this thinking that I am so much better off when I don't see or talk to her. I know that this is not proper detachment; in fact it's really withdrawal. And much of me wants to withdraw again -- only part of me realizes that that is what got me in this situation in the first place, withdrawing from my wife, my family, my life. I want to retire to my cave, hide in my shell, to lick my wounds. But for the sake of my S's, for the sake of my soul, I swore to God I would not. I have to endure this. Some how.
