Just getting started peicing it back together 2

[jersting]

Not really any foward steps as far as the marriage goes. We do get together and talk a few times a week. We have gone out once or twice. She is still somewhat selfish in the way she is dealing with all of this. What I mean is that she expects me to set things up for us to get together always. She never calls me to ask me to come over but on the flip of the coin she says she agrees we need to take it slow but then she says this is rediculas that we don't get together more often. She did say to me that she was ready to put her house up for sale and move back in with me and then realized that she needed to slow down as far as she and I. I try to make things convienant for her for us to get together, but I don't push it at all. I am living for myself right now and it seems to be good for me. I am content with the way things are and I would like for us to stay together but I feel as though I have made it to a point to where if we don't stay together I will be as well off either way. She has alot of debt now and this has her upset but like I told her there isn't much I can do to help her at this point, my hands have been tied by her when it comes to that. I have given her a little money but I have had her sign a paper stateing that is goes toward the seperation of marital property. I asked her the other day if she would want to go ahead and get the divorce over with so that she would get her part of the money and get herself out of debt and she said she did not want that. I told her at this point I often wonder if she wants to keep this mariage just so she would have financial stabbilty and she said she did not want me for the money. She then replied she wondered if I didn't want the divorce because she somehow has it in her mind that I would have more money if we didn't. At this point we have blown a lot of money with lawyers and 2 seprate houses and all the bills that go with that but I am not worried about the money either way. I just don't want to rush in to any thing one way or the other. I want to make sure that how ever this turns out it turns out the way it should and there is no more backing up but moving foward one way or the other.

By the way we have made an agreement... no sex outside our relationship until we both agree there is no way we are staying together. I know I will stick to this agreement and the way she acted she will too. I feel this agreement at this point in time was a good idea. Other than what I have mentioned, my life is pretty much a normal one as far as dating her. If we had never been married I would call where we are now as kinda like boyfriend girlfriend.

[jersting]

What, does no one want to tell me to be careful or anything?

[jersting]

Well if so you are too late. My wife says one thing and acts another. At least now I am not so much in love that I am blind. For instance... She only wants to see me when she is in the mood for sex. She only calls to tell me to pick up the kids from school because she won't be home in time. She took today off work to go shopping with her sister but could not take off monday because she was too busy and that is my day off. I gave her some more money because she was crying to me how broke she was and had bills and could not even pay for the kids school lunch. I gave her money monday night and she is shopping today. BBBBBSSSSS!!!

[OldFool]

...she expects me to set things up for us to get together always. She never calls me to ask me to come over but on the flip of the coin she says she agrees we need to take it slow but then she says this is ridiculous that we don't get together more often.

She needs to start learning to turn her words into actions. Next time, consider letting it ride until she contacts you. Then be very gracious and willing to do whatever she suggests...but let her initiate. If she won't, then I'd wonder why.

She did say to me that she was ready to put her house up for sale and move back in with me and then realized that she needed to slow down as far as she and I.

She's right. Turning the corner is not the same as reaching the finish line. I can't remember, are you both in counseling (either together or apart)? If not, this is probably a good time to start considering it. As others here can attest, getting back together is full of pitfalls and land mines. A third party with some training would likely be of considerable value.

I try to make things convenient for her for us to get together, but I don't push it at all.

Good. Shoot for "easy", rather than "convenient". She needs to do just a tiny bit of the work here.

I am content with the way things are and I would like for us to stay together but I feel as though I have made it to a point to where if we don't stay together I will be as well off either way.

An excellent place to be. Good for you!

She has alot of debt now and this has her upset but like I told her there isn't much I can do to help her at this point, my hands have been tied by her when it comes to that. I have given her a little money but I have had her sign a paper stateing that is goes toward the seperation of marital property.

Life lessons are often painful. As long as you are not adding to it, a little financial pain can be a good way to learn the value of what a spouse brings to the table. Be sympathetic, but don't bail her out. If you split for good, she needs to know how to live within her means and if you get back together, she needs to learn how to support the M financially rather than simply be a drain on it.

I asked her the other day if she would want to go ahead and get the divorce over with so that she would get her part of the money and get herself out of debt and she said she did not want that. I told her at this point I often wonder if she wants to keep this marriage just so she would have financial stability and she said she did not want me for the money.

Wow! You can't ask for better than that! There are so many here who would give their dominant arm (notice how I cleverly dodged excluding lefties? ) to have their WAS say they don't want a D. Now that you know this, drop it. Ban the "D" word from your vocabulary.

She then replied she wondered if I didn't want the divorce because she somehow has it in her mind that I would have more money if we didn't. At this point we have blown a lot of money with lawyers and 2 separate houses and all the bills that go with that but I am not worried about the money either way.

Make sure you don't just tell us this...tell her too.

I just don't want to rush in to any thing one way or the other. I want to make sure that how ever this turns out it turns out the way it should and there is no more backing up but moving forward one way or the other.

Good. Maintain that as a goal. Slow and steady wins the race.

By the way we have made an agreement... no sex outside our relationship until we both agree there is no way we are staying together. I know I will stick to this agreement and the way she acted she will too. I feel this agreement at this point in time was a good idea.

Good, again. I hope she sticks to it (and I expect you to). See StupidRomeo2's thread for what can occur when this doesn't happen.

Well if so you are too late.

What did you expect us to warn you about?

My wife says one thing and acts another.

This is why you have to look both at what is said and what is done.

She only wants to see me when she is in the mood for sex. She only calls to tell me to pick up the kids from school because she won't be home in time.

So, don't be so available. The purpose of DB is to provide an easy path back home, not to play the role of enabler for destructive behaviors. Of course, when it comes to your kids, you'll just have to suck it up (for their sake). Just remember to document the situations. In the event you do split up, you might need such "proof" in support of your parental rights.

I gave her some more money because she was crying to me how broke she was and had bills and could not even pay for the kids school lunch. I gave her money monday night and she is shopping today.

Look for alternatives to just giving her cash. If she needs help with the bills, most utilities will allow you to pay them directly for application to someone else's bill. If your kids need lunch money, see if you can pay the school directly in advance or use gift certificates from food places in place of cash. That way you are helping, but insuring that your money is spent on what it's supposed to go to.

Again, as I mentioned before, are you seeing a professional? If you are both stating that you don't want a D, then if you're not, it is probably time to start. But that's a conversation for another time.

Peace and wisdom to you.

[jersting]

Thank you OF. I will try and talk to her about counseling when the time seems right. We have tried counseling a couple times in the past but I think at that time that is when she wanted out. She is supposed to be coming over tomorrow for a "talk" because I told her it seemed as though she had changed her mind about us. She said again in a cold way that she wanted us to stay together but we needed to talk. I really feel like we need a serious talk but I don't know if maybe I pushed the envelope a little too soon on that. Well I guess maybe I'll find out the answer to that if she shows up tomorrow.

Talk to you soon, thanks again.

[OldFool]

Is there a reason you feel the need to move things along right now? If there isn't a good one, let it ride for just a bit. It can't hurt you.

As for counseling, bring it up only if it seems appropriate and in context (otherwise it'll seem like you're pushing). If it does come up, just say you want to have someone with some training help make sure the two of you discuss matters and address issues in a productive way. If you do not have a counselor that meets Michele's criteria of being marriage-minded and solutions-oriented, then take any intervening time as an opportunity to find one that is. The Divorce Remedy has a couple sections on what to look for and avoid in a counselor. Making sure you have a good one is worth every bit of effort.

Good luck. You keep getting the "I want us to stay together" thing, which is good. Just don't fall into the trap of pushing it too fast. Bask in the glow for a bit and let her get used to the idea.

[Soxfan2008]

How's it going today J??

I second the counselor. Even if it's alone at first ( I can't remember if you have started yet or not). It helped me a whole lot and H too.

Put off on the talk. My rule of thumb is I have a thought and I wait about 36 hours before doing anything about it. Then I reevaluate and see if I really really need to do anything about it or if I can let it go.

I forgot, did your D like the crystal piano????????? (hint, hint, smile )

Chocolate

[jersting]

Hey chocolatelover, I was hoping I would hear from you more after your huge change. How is it going with you? I pray for the best for you. I took w and kids out for dinner tonight because it is her birthday today. It was ok but not real good for my heart because now she is in a different place again than she was a few weeks back. What I mean is she is questioning whether or not we can make this work and she is being a bit cold. I try to act as if and it is quite difficult in this sitch but I think I am doing ok with it.

[jersting]

I realize I need profesional help and I am going to call the counselor the 2 of us started with this spring and make an appointment to see her.

[Soxfan2008]

Yup, big change!

What I mean is she is questioning whether or not we can make this work and she is being a bit cold. I try to act as if and it is quite difficult in this sitch but I think I am doing ok with it.

Remember, my H did the same thing. He said 2x he was ready to move in or thinking about it. He kept wavering too. So did I. Think about what W needs to trust that it will work and begin trying those things. For example, H needed to see that I could relax a bit if things got stressed and not blow a gasket. I had to continue to remain calm under pressure and not blow so he could see the changes in me.

What does W need to see? Is it time with the kids? Is it doing yard work? Paying the bills on time? Taking her to the movies? Cleaning the house? Cooking dinner?....

It's time for a brainstorming session my friend.