NikkiB #21

[NikB]

Ahhh yes.. it's 3 AM and I am posting.. concert has me totally wired so I can't sleep!

So first to answer the latest posts:

ST
Yeah, no more dinners!! There is only one place I know of we can go for dinner that isn't awkward. It's a good dinner place but they have paper "tablecloths" and give you crayons, so we end up drawing, playing hangman or tic-tac-toe, etc. If we're going out to dinner anytime soon it'll be there.

On the texting.. I dunno.. that's a hard one for me. It makes me SO angry. I realize my reaction is (mostly) under my control... but at some point forcing myself to smile and be fake and ignore it is just NOT working for me. Does that make sense? I can't (so far) figure out how to stop the rush of emotions when I see it happening. He KNOWS I don't like it and it's why he mostly hides it... the consequence? I shouldn't spend time w/him when he's doing it, I guess. I dunno, it's a confusing point for me. I have seriously contemplated throwing the phone in the pool... or maybe the dishwasher.

I honestly can't even imagine dating a guy who is into the whole "texting" thing. Once in awhile maybe, but the nonstop, can't even brush my teeth without "texting" - eww.

You're probably right that it's a "drug" thing a bit, too. He's a pretty addictive guy. My mom brought up something tonight that I hadn't thought about. From high school to very early 20's, H was heavy into drugs. He hadn't touched them in years before I met him and says he never would again, he saw how it destroyed people and it's why he quit. Far as I know he hasn't touched them since I've been with him... but she wondered, if he's "revisiting his youth" is he also possibly "revisiting" the drugs??? Eek. But with his odd personality changes lately.. well, it's not entirely out of the realm of possibility.

Yeah, was great talking to my dad! He's more an emotional guy and honestly more "woman-like" when it comes to talking about feelings and such. so not so much the "macho guy" perspective, but great to talk to him about it more.

On the room.. I am sure going back and forth. More comments in a minute when I reply to f21.

f21
Thanks so much!

Losing the detachment.. yep, I definitely see that. I guess the "problem" I am having is I can't seem to be both detached and spend any quality time with H. I'm great at it when I have nothing to do w/him... . I COMPLETELY agree that I need to build on that feeling I had last weekend. Am I strong enough to do it while living with H? I don't know.

Hmm.. interesting thought on staying away from the house more while technically still living here. I'm not sure I can do it (mentally/emotionally), but I will give that some thought.

It just keeps hitting me that when I'm away from H I'm happy and feel strong, when I'm around him it slowly (or somewhat slowly) erodes into me feeling weak and second rate. You've noticed it here, and my parents both noticed it as well. Now... is that my fault for allowing H to effect me, or does it mean I need to be away from him? I dunno.

Mini reality checks, I like that. I already know what the great big reality check looks like based on my meeting with the attorney... the "mini" ones are probably better right now! Trying to be cautious not to spark a big antagonistic reaction from H. I am honestly afraid if he knew the extent of the financial side he would just disappear. He's never acted like he'd do it but he's sure talked about just running away.

Thanks for your reply on my not so nice comment! I guess maybe it wasn't so bad, in retrospect. The best thing to say? Probably not... but at least for my own mental health probably a lot better than walking on eggshells, smiling, thinking it, and saying nothing.

you come across as still having some fight left in ya. Are you wanting to be detached and setting healthy boundaries? What does that look like? Maybe.... When you feel icky, or ticked off, disrespected, etc, you gracefully back out and leave the door open by saying "maybe next time"?

I'm curious - what do you mean by the "fight left in ya"? I DO feel like I have it, but right now it feels like fighting for my life more so than fighting for my M. Does that make sense?

Yeah, I want to be detached, absolutely. I am starting to doubt my ability to be detached and live in the same house... but will at least try (if nothing else I need time to pack my stuff and find a place!). Thanks for the ideas.

Thanks for your comments on living in the same house while "separated." You're right, it will take a LOT of determination. Can I do it? Remains to be seen, I guess. I agree with you that if I slide I need to get out. The MC even told me this - stay unless/until my self esteem and self respect are being eroded. If it gets to that point, get out before the "hole" I have to dig out of gets even deeper. We're pretty much already living like we are separate, other than sharing the bed and the bathroom... so I guess I kinda know what it looks like. (other than my sensitivity on the texting thing).
---------------------------

And on to happier subjects - the concert was SO MUCH FUN!!! I had a blast.

Springsteen is awesome... he can play for 3 hours and you're going "No way, it's over??" The energy of the shows is amazing. He always said he wants his audience to go home as tired as he does.. ... wonder if he's still up at 3 (or is it now 3:30??).. hehe. Some really amazing moments. I was sooo happy that I was able to lose myself in the music. A few times I found my mind wandering to my sitch and I quickly said "Heck NO! Enjoy the moment." So that was really cool.

I even cried during two different songs. Sounds cheesy maybe but I have buried so many emotions for so long.. I noticed on Springsteen's last tour I didn't really "feel" the songs like I used to. Tonight? I did. I honestly think it was the first time I've "felt" music and not just listened to it in years.

And as always for him, most of the concert was just incredibly fun. Big ol' 20,000 person party! He is incredible in how he "works" a crowd... how you can be at the back of a huge arena and feel like you're an important part of the night. I dunno, can't explain it really, but it was a wonderful night!!

I will be tired as heck tomorrow, but oh well.

When I was younger I was always super tired and depressed the day after a Bruce concert... because it was "over," because it might be years before he toured again (if ever). My parents and I dubbed it "PBDS" - "Post Bruce Depression Syndrome." To be honest, much as it's tough being kinda sad all day, I honestly hope I have it again tomorrow. It means I'm ME again.

[Dr LOve]

morning NikkiB

Husband

[S.T. _I Made It!]

no time to type now, but glad you had a great time at the concert and good job not letting those bad thoughts creep in while your having fun!

[oldtimer]

What happened to the work on boundaries you were doing?

[NikB]

What do you mean, OT? I am still reading the book and still trying to apply it...

[S.T. _I Made It!]

I think OT was talking about the texting thing.


I hope that you can continue to detach while being in the presence of H. I know you've done it before, and I know that you can do it again. It's not something you can just turn on and off. It takes practice. Doing things over and over until it becomes more natural. I also think that part of the problem is your expectation of H. If you haven't made texting in the house a boundary, then you need to expect nothing from H..and it's almost the opposite, we should actually expect H to BE texting so that when you do catch him, it is not a suprise and therefore the hurt would be less.

It is ironic how the H and their EA/PAs involve different forms of communication. Texting was what my H did with OW as well, and he started doing it more with me. I think a LOT of guys like texting. It makes it much easier on them. Do you have text capability on your phone? I think it might be interesting to text him next time instead of calling or whatever you normally do when you need to contact him.

I know I'm still giving you ideas for the option of trying to fix the M, but until your actually out and have decided to quit, I'm gonna still focus on you saving your M. Cause I haven't lost hope yet.

[oldtimer]

"I think OT was talking about the texting thing. "

Yep.

[LooseThread]

I guess the "problem" I am having is I can't seem to be both detached and spend any quality time with H. I'm great at it when I have nothing to do w/him... .

It just keeps hitting me that when I'm away from H I'm happy and feel strong, when I'm around him it slowly (or somewhat slowly) erodes into me feeling weak and second rate. You've noticed it here, and my parents both noticed it as well. Now... is that my fault for allowing H to effect me, or does it mean I need to be away from him? I dunno.

Hi Nikki, not sure if I've posted to you before but I have been reading your sitch on and off. This quote of yours got me. I know EXACTLY what you mean about this. I have been living for my h and not for me and I feel guilty and anxious if I have a thought of my own for me. However, I am so much more 'with it' when I am not around him or if I know I am not going to see him for however-long-it-is. I feel weak around him becuase I want to avoid making him angry/sad/hurt which means I end up putting my own needs (and also my daughters) on the back burner and that isn't right - particularly where my d is concerned.

[oldtimer]

"On the texting.. I dunno.. that's a hard one for me. It makes me SO angry. I realize my reaction is (mostly) under my control... but at some point forcing myself to smile and be fake and ignore it is just NOT working for me."

I promise you, it isn't fooling anyone else either.

"I can't (so far) figure out how to stop the rush of emotions when I see it happening. He KNOWS I don't like it and it's why he mostly hides it... the consequence? I shouldn't spend time w/him when he's doing it, I guess."

This is soo wishy-washy. Your H is having at least EAs with TWO women. You "guess" there should be some kind of consequence, like you won't eat with him while he is texting at the dinner table, maybe, sometimes, perhaps?

How about you don't spend time with him until he stops it and changes jobs and cell phone numbers?

You still seem so porous when it comes to H. You are doing things you don't want to do. It is sapping your energy.

For 24 hours, do only things you want to do. Change your mind when you want to. Say what you want to.

And maybe: Boundaries : Where You End and I Begin

[LooseThread]

oldtimer
You still seem so porous when it comes to H. You are doing things you don't want to do. It is sapping your energy.

Hey OT,

Would you mind waxing eloquent on your above quote? I think this is a problem for me also.

Tar