Morgan, I will be praying for you. May you be filled with inner peace and warm with loving strength during this time. May you know with every cell of your being that victory is yours, no matter what form it appears in.
Me29 H33 D9 months S2 S9(previous R) Sep 8-19-07 I file 11-5-07 H home (Retro) 2-15-08 "Today is the tomorrow of yesterday." -- S9
amazingly, I slept last night. not long enough, went to bed late/got up early, and what sleep I had was filled with intense/vivid dreams, but still, I slept.
its cold and rainy, going to read some of my book before heading to the gym. then going to get my notebook ready...yes, I will have one onhand for note-taking. I'm tempted to buy a new camcorder (ours is broken, I need a new one anyway) and set it up discreetly to us like they do in sports...to replay and figure where things went right/where they went wrong. hell, just to remember what was said, I'm sure a lot will be. but then again, do I really want a record of H asking me for a divorce? gee, there is one for the kiddies to look back on, hmmm? lol.
coolblueocean. that right there is my mantra for the day. sips of water, coolblueocean, be the lighthouse. your names will all be floating around my mind, too, because I know you are all in my corner.
actively listen, talk little. gather info, answer little or nothing. allow myself time to process what is said. keep the conversation safe for both of us. watch for signs it is becoming unsafe, because that's how things go wrong and end up misdirected. keep my goals centered...like above, when the conversation starts veering, remember my goals and steer it back. no either/or sucker-conversation. remember my "and" conversation. watch my tone of voice and body language. stop running/snarking. jump in that damned "pool of meaning" empathize, respect him and his position (even if I don't agree with it). listen listen listen answer nothing, turn it back on him.
I have a few canned responses, but not many, because I don't want to get caught up with it. this from Care is a definite, though:
"This is not what I want, but I understand you feel that this is something you need to do."
and one I thought of last night while waiting for the movie to start:
"I appreciate that you've put a lot of time and thought into this. I'd like to do the same, so why don't I get back to you this week."
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
wow. just ran to cvs to get a new notebook and some other stuff and a song came on that i haven't heard in forever. amazingly fitting. tempted to make a playlist to have on in the background for the big pow-wow. only half joking, btw. actually, not a bad idea...songs that make me feel reflective but strong, songs that empower me, songs that make me slow down. hmmm. well, I have a few hours. maybe. anyway, had to share.
Landslide
took my love, I took it down Climbed a mountain and I turned around I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills 'Till the landslide brought me down
Oh, mirror in the sky What is love Can the child within my heart rise above Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides Can I handle the seasons of my life
Well, I've been afraid of changing 'Cause I've built my life around you But time makes you bolder Even children get older And I'm getting older too
Oh, take my love, take it down Climb a mountain and turn around If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills Well the landslide will bring it down
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills Well the landslide will bring it down
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
You sound centered and very well-prepared. I hope the conversation will go well. We are all pulling for you. Good luck. I hope it is not as bad as you expect.
morgan-- I just jumped on and read the last page, so I got the gist. Dear, sweet morgan, remember to breathe and that we all care for you here.
You are strong. No matter which way this ends up, you will be wonderful and be happy, with yourself, your kids, your beautiful home, the changes of seasons, family and friends.
I also love the landslide song. I love Stevie Nicks and the Dixie Chicks both. I understand that Stevie Nicks went through a very difficult break up with her life partner in the band and yet had to continue being his best friend and life partner. She wrote the song about changing, growing up.
Quote:
Stevie has said that she wrote this song while she was contemplating going back to school or continuing on with Lindsey. She wrote this song while visiting Aspen, Colorado with her Goya guitar. She was sitting in someone's living room, overlooking the snow-covered mountains and thinking what to do with her life. She says that she "sat looking out at the Rocky Mountains pondering the avalanche of everything that had come crashing down on us...at that moment, my life truly felt like a landslide in many ways." These comments are in relation to Buckingham Nicks being dropped by the label and the fact that she and Lindsey were not getting along. She says she "wrote Landslide about whether or not [she] was going to give it all one more chance.[1]
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Sometimes these times with our spouses feel like avalanches but we can just let it ride. Know wherever we land we are better off for it. I do not think any person I know thinks Stevie Nicks needed Lindsey. She went on to make more beautiful music on her own and with other partners. She is truly an inspiration.
I know you will do great. Don't think it is over. Stay postive. You don't have to fight for anything anymore. Let fate take its hand and trust that everything will be as it should be. Don't think of him as the man you married. He is a different man now. That does not mean he will not become a better man after some slate cleaning but for now he is a different man that only deserves your polite conversation and attention. Think that it will make him feel better if it goes well. I know you have already sacraficed so much but you are here and so you are the one holding this family together. Stay strong and as he said, stay smiley. It is your best look afterall so let that image be burned into his brain for future reference. He will be thinking , My beautiful serene strong wife and mother of my children did not even get mad at me in what used to be our living room. She will always be the love of my life and how can I ever make myself good enough to get her back???
Last edited by mkultra; 10/27/0704:31 PM.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
I'm getting a little nervous, now that its getting close to game time. I talked to my friend a bit ago and already see myself slipping into "problem solving mode." she checked me on that, hopefully I'll be able to do that for myself when push comes to shove. I did write a list of things I wanted to remember in the notebook in case I need to refer to it. may or may not help. (the good news is, I may not be a doctor, but I write like one, so h wouldn't be able to read it even if he wanted to. lol)
calmblueocean
just took a hot shower and found myself slipping a bit...just starting to become a bit emotional. but I was able to use some of the tools i have learned in the book to re-focus me again, and I'm in a good (but nervous) place once more. I only made it to about a little more than halfway in the book...I was reading it too fast, not giving myself time to process what I was reading fully, so I stopped. a good decision I think. will pick it up again tomorrow. I'm sure this isn't the last crucial conversation I'll have in my life, let alone this relationship.
I love landslide, always have. I had forgotten the dixie chicks covered it, never knew tori did. I love the dixie chicks version, but wow do I love stevie nicks' version...you can hear the heart she put into it.
okay, calmblueocean
listen gather information don't judge don't flee or snark; watch my tone of voice and facial expressions. respect, even if I don't agree keep the dialogue safe, steer it back if it heads to unsafe territory keep my stories in check no problem solving keep my goals in mind, don't get suckered into forgetting them remember I am allowed time to process remember no matter what happens, I will be okay
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
